Comedy Quotes

 A bore is someone who opens his mouth and puts his feats in it. 
Author: Henry Ford
Nationality: American
b. 30 July 1863  - d. 7 April 1947
  
 A business absolutely devoted to service will have only one worry about profits. They will be embarrassingly large. 
Author: Henry Ford
Nationality: American
b. 30 July 1863  - d. 7 April 1947
  
 President Merkin Muffley: Hey, you can't fight in here! This is the war room! 
Movie: Dr. Strangelove
Nationality: English
Released: December 1964
  
 Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 Life is like a dogsled team. If you ain't the lead dog, the scenery never changes. 
Author: Lewis McDonald Grizzard
Nationality: American
b. 20 October 1946  - d. 20 March 1994
  
 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 We don't want the television script good. We want it Tuesday. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 You can make fun of everything. 
Author: Matt Richard Stone
Nationality: American
b. 26 May 1971
  
 I'm a one-man idiot. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 I just talk complete bullshit. The history, the politics, I noticed that no one was using history, so there's a lot of history lying about the place, and it's all free, and it's on Wikipedia! You know, I use Wikipedia like a crazy idiot, now. Then I take all this stuff, and I regurgitate it into a weird angle. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 It's the oral tradition. Human beings have been doing it for thousands of years. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 Cleverly, I did work out that if I got a degree it would be more difficult to stick at it. I'm 89-90 per cent certain that I wouldn't have fallen back on it because I've wanted to do this from the age of seven. But it would have been much more - it was accounting for God's sake, you can get a job with that no matter what the economy's doing. So I burnt my bridges with a flamethrower. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 I started out performing sketches, and that didn't get anywhere, so I tried street performing and I was awful at it. It came to the point I was performing in Covent Garden with a partner and I thought, everyone doesn't like this, I don't like doing it, we're getting no money, so ... I'll just carry on doing it. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 I take the shopping in, ladies and gentlemen... in one fucking go. [mimics weighing himself down with shopping] "Get the door! Get the door!" She's like, "Shoes off!" I'm like, "FUCK OFF!" 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 It's never enough to say you’re from London, people want to know exactly where you’re from. They see it as more of a test of their own geographical knowledge. You say "I’m from London" people go [high pitched excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts, where abouts exactly, where abouts?" "Uh... North London." If they know it they get more excited. [more excited voice] "Where abouts, where abouts, where abouts?" "Muswell Hill" [even more excited voice] "Where abouts? Where abouts?!" "Do you know Sainsbury’s?" "Yeeeeeeessssssssss!" 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 About public transport: It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train. 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 Please let the passengers off the train first. British people have an amazing ability to let people off a train whilst at all times, moving forwards. 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 And everyone's reading, you have to read, you can't be on the tube without reading, reading is very important. You get on on the morning and every single person is reading the Metro. Everyone, everyone. [imitates line of people reading newspaper] Why doesn't one person just read it to the carriage? 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 So hello! I'm good at hello, I'm not very good with goodbye, especially on the phone. I don't know what's happened, every time I say goodbye I sound like a fucking idiot. What is it? You sound like a child, you feel it coming when you're on the phone. It can be a very serious conversation "of course I'll be at the funeral, I loved your father deeply, I'll say a few words. [high pitched] Byeeeeee!" Why am I doing that? People still, old people, insist on picking up the phone and saying their home number, why are you doing that? What a complete waste of time. [imitating old person] "020767944!" [exasperated person on other end] "I know that, I've just dialled it! It's the last thing I did on earth was dial those numbers. Do you open the front door and say your address? It's the same principle."  
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 Imitating a terrorist: We must penetrate the west at their most vulnerable spot: Glasgow Airport!" [shakes head] I think the lesson was learned: don't... fuck... with Scottish people... who have a holiday booked, okay? [imitates Scottish tourist] "I'll get the trolley. You get the bags and stuff. We'll get the rest of the stuff at duty-free. You got our tickets and the passports? What gate are we? Twenty... two. Hold on while I punch this burning man in the face. Fuck off! Bastard! Majorca, here we come! Ten days, I couldn't afford two weeks! Hang on while I just get a light off his face! Hold still, you Al-Qaeda bastard! Where you from?" "Afghan.." "Whereabouts?" 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 My son's got two words: "car" and "map", that's all he can say. Baby voice: "Car, car, map, car!" Normal voice: I'm fairly worried he's trying to escape. So if the next word is "passport," we're in serious trouble. 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 Scottish accent: "We don't need your English bastard pounds! We're our own country, we'll have our own bloody money, eh?!" "Would you like your own currency?" "Ah, it's complicated mathematically. Let's just have yours with our photos, I think that's the best way!" 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 Imitating a Scottish person about Scottish money: I think you'll find pal, that's legal tender. 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 On Valentine's cards: Just last week I wrote "I still love you. See last year's card for full details." 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 I went "0-7..." and he actually went "Slow down!" So I went "0..." and he went "0-7-0..." "No! 0-7..." "0-7-0-0-7..." "No! 0...7..." "0-7-0-0-7-0-7" "Start again!" "How's Susan?" "Not the conversation, the number! That's not my number!" "Giving me a fake number?! Don't you want me to call?!" "No, no...!" Anyway, he hasn't called. 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 And traffic! Traffic's a nightmare! That's how people describe it, a nightmare. Has anyone had this nightmare? "AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!!" "What is it, darling? Are you all right?" "No, I'm not all right at all!" "What was it?" "TRAFFIC!!!" 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 See, you learn about humans when you have a baby. Like girls. Girls are so much more advanced than boys. I seriously think that girls are born in conversation. Like, they come out of the womb, talking: "Are you my mother? Lovely to put a name to a face." 
Author: Michael James McIntyre
Nationality: British
b. 15 February 1976
  
 And if you can offer an explanation as to why it doesn't work then you've got to the whole root of comedy.  
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 And when you're on your own there is that terrifying possibility that you may be the only person on the planet who thinks it's funny - and you have no way of finding out. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 Everyone who appears in a scene gets paid. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 Frank liked administrative work and was good at it. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 I defy anyone to get a decision that quickly these days. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 I used to like writing for comedians - I enjoyed the challenge of making other people funny. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 If the laughter of the audience was malicious we wouldn't show it. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 It's like your children talking about holidays, you find they have a quite different memory of it from you. Perhaps everything is not how it is, but how it's remembered. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 The comedians all finished their acts with a song. They would get a certain amount of money from the song publishers and would use that money to pay the writers. None of them paid very much for their comedy material, but it all added up. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 Then after that came word processors and it's hard to make those laugh. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 There's an unseen force which lets birds know when you've just washed your car. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 He had the kind of handshake that ought never to be used except as a tourniquet. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 What is a harp but an over-sized cheese-slicer with cutlural pretensions? 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 A counter tenor is anyone who can count to ten. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 Smetana certainly knew which side his bride was bartered. 
Author: Denis Norden
Nationality: English
b. 06 February 1922
  
 How sweet it is! 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 I only made $200 a week and I had to buy my own bullets. 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 If you have it and you know you have it, then you have it. If you have it and don't know you have it, you don't have it. If you don't have it but you think you have it, then you have it. 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 Our dreams are firsthand creations, rather than residues of waking life. We have the capacity for infinite creativity; at least while dreaming, we partake of the power of the Spirit, the infinite Godhead that creates the cosmos. 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it. 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 Thin people are beautiful, but fat people are adorable. 
Author: Jackie Gleason
Nationality: American
b. 26 February 1916  - d. 24 June 1987
  
 Today's audience knows more about what's on television than what's in life. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 Most jokes state a bitter truth. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 It was like electronic euthanasia. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 Television is a weapon of mass distraction. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 In a world that operates at least 50 percent on fear, he was very confident. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 A lot of people credit him with being terribly influential in their careers. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 Talk about fulfilling a campaign promise, ... M*A*S*H. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 It was a series of performances when we started out as a duet in Aspen. I did all the introductions. I'd just make up stuff for every song. And Dickie said, "Why don't you try repeating some of that stuff?" I said, "I don't know." I didn't know that you could repeat the stuff. And I started repeating it and Dickie would say, "That's wrong." And pretty soon he'd say, "That's wrong, you're stupid." It sort of became an argument. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 I lost perspective, my sense of humour. I became a poster boy for the First Amendment, freedom of speech, and I started buying into it. It was about three years when I was deadly serious about everything....I'm still politically active, I'm still angry, but I've got it in the right position now. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 At the time I was very volatile, and thought everyone should take a stand. I guess I said something that really pissed him off. For a couple years after that, I'd say, 'Hiya Bill, how ya doing?' and he wouldn't shake hands with me - you know, like, 'Fuck off. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 The only valid censorship of ideas is the right of people not to listen. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 The ultimate censorship is the flick of the dial. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 When you don't know what you're talking about, it's hard to know when you're finished. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 As I always say - if they can't get our famous husbands, they'll take us, ... But at least it's a chance to wear my tiara. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 With so many courses being developed, I think it's very encouraging for individual golf course owners. Those 4 million rounds have to go somewhere. I don't think that 4 million will drop, and individual courses will reap those benefits. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 Frank Sinatra taught me how to do him. It took me seven years to master him. He would tell me, tap your foot, Rich, and don't forget to grasp your sleeve. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 I'm not really a political satirist. I don't kid myself. I'm more interested in doing the mannerisms and the personality. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 If I have a rough day, and I'm angry, I'll just go into Kirk Douglas and throw over a table. And when I need to lift my spirits, Kermit can always do the trick. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 If you become president, you're guaranteed to develop some nervous habit. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 Not too many people are - were as good as Bob Hope. George Burns was great at thinking, you know, on the spot. Steve Allen was marvelous, and so was George Burns. But Bob may be the king of them all, you know. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  
 Ross Perot. I could have had a ball with him. 
Author: Rich Little
Nationality: Canadian
b. 26 November 1938
  




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