Humor Quotes

 A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 A child of five would understand this. Send somebody to fetch a child of five! 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is that there are not many job interviews where there's a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 A fanatic is one who sticks to his guns whether they're loaded or not. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 A few weeks after my surgery, I went out to play catch with my golden retriever. When I bent over to pick up the ball, my prosthesis fell out. The dog snatched it, and I found myself chasing him down the road yelling 'Hey, come back here with my breast! ' 
Author: Linda Ellerbee
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1944
  
 A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor's book. 
Author: Irish Proverb
Nationality: American   
 A hobby a day keeps the doldrums away. 
Author: Phyllis McGinley
Nationality: American
b. 21 March 1905  - d. 22 February 1978
  
 A horse may be coaxed to drink, but a pencil must be lead. 
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 A Hospital is no place to be sick. 
Author: Samuel Goldwyn
Nationality: American
b. 27 August 1884  - d. 31 January 1974
  
 A man is only as old as the woman he feels. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road. 
Author: Henry Ward Beecher
Nationality: American
b. 24 June 1813  - d. 8 March 1887
  
 A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it first. 
Author: Doug Larson
Nationality: American
b. December 1902  - d.  December 1981
  
 A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done. 
Author: Dwight D. Eisenhower
Nationality: American
b. 14 October 1890  - d. 28 March 1969
  
 A sense of humor is the lubricant of life's machinery. 
Author: Anonymous
Nationality: American   
 A ship is always referred to as 'she' because it costs so much to keep one in paint and powder. 
Author: Chester Nimitz
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1885  - d. 20 February 1966
  
 A taste for irony has kept more hearts from breaking than a sense of humor for it takes irony to appreciate the joke which is on oneself. 
Author: Jessamyn West
Nationality: American
b. 18 July 1902  - d. 23 February 1984
  
 A well-developed sense of humor is the pole that adds balance to your step as you walk the tightrope of life 
Author: William Arthur Ward
Nationality: American   
 A wife is essential to great longevity; she is the receptacle of half a man's cares, and two-thirds of his ill-humour. 
Author: Charles Reade
Nationality: English
b. 8 June 1814  - d. 11 April 1884
  
 A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad. 
Author: Christopher Case
Nationality: English   
 A wonderful bird is the pelican, His bill will hold more that his belican. He can take in his beak Food enough for a week, But I'm damned if I see how the hellican. 
Author: Dixon Lanier Merritt
Nationality: American
b. December 1879  - d.  December 1972
  
 About 20 years ago I rented a unit in Glenelg, Adelaide, which was invaded every summer by fearless, militant cockroaches which weren't big but they had attitude. Turn a light on on them and they formed phalanxes and battalions, facing me. 
Author: Michael Poben
Nationality: Australian   
 After listening to the Literature reading from David Copperfield: 'I was a good deal disappointed in Mr. Dickens' reading - I will go further and say, a great deal disappointed. The Herald and Tribune critics must have been carried away by their imaginations when they wrote their extravagant praises of it. Mr. Dickens' reading is rather monotonous, as a general thing; his voice is husky, his pathos is only the beautiful pathos of his language - there is no heart, no feeling in it - it is glittering frostwork; his rich humor cannot fail to tickle an audience into ecstasies save when he reads to himself.' 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Ah fleeting Spirit! wand'ring Fire, That long hast warm'd my tender breast, Must thou no more this Frame inspire? No more a pleasing, cheerful Guest? Whither, ah whither art thou flying! To what dark, undiscover'd Shore? Thou seem'st all trembling, shivr'ing, dying And Wit and Humour are no more! 
Author: Hadrian
Nationality: Roman
b. 24 January 76  - d. 10 July 138
  
 All God's children are not beautiful. Most of God's children are, in fact, barely presentable. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world was tranquil, without disease and violence, I'd be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover. 
Author: Lenny Bruce
Nationality: American
b. 13 October 1925  - d. 3 August 1966
  
 All my life, my blood has been a blend of mozzie chocolate and proboscis-attractant, a mozzie liqueur. I am the person whom people invite to outdoor barbecues to keep the mozzies from biting anybody else. 
Author: Michael Poben
Nationality: Australian   
 All the world is queer save thee and me, and even thou art a little queer. 
Author: Robert Owen
Nationality: Welsh
b. 14 May 1771  - d. 17 November 1858
  
 All women should know how to take care of children. Most of them will have a husband some day. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 America's one of the finest countries anyone ever stole. 
Author: Bobcat Goldthwaite
Nationality: American
b. 26 May 1962
  
 Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 An atheist is one who hopes the Lord will do nothing to disturb his disbelief. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 An autobiography usually reveals nothing bad about its writer except his memory. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 An extravagance is anything you buy that is of no earthly use to your wife. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 An ideal wife is one who remains faithful to you but tries to be just as charming as if she weren't. 
Author: Sacha Guitry
Nationality: French
b. 21 February 1885  - d. 24 July 1957
  
 An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 And of course, with the birth of the artist came the inevitable afterbirth - the critic. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 And when you musn't forget to mail your packages early, so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. 
Author: Johnny Carson
Nationality: American
b. 23 October 1925  - d. 23 January 2005
  
 Any discussion of the problems of being funny in America will not make sense unless we substitute the word wit for humor. Humor inspires sympathetic good-natured laughter and is favored by the ''healing-power'' gang. Wit goes for the jugular, not the jocular, and it's the opposite of football; instead of building character, it tears it down. 
Author: Florence King
Nationality: American
b. 05 January 1936
  
 Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin. 
Author: John von Neumann
Nationality: American
b. 28 December 1903  - d. 08 February 1957
  
 Anyone who doesn't watch rugby league is not a real person. He's a cow's hoof, an ethnic, senile or comes from Melbourne. 
Author: John Singleton
Nationality: Australian
b. 09 November 1941
  
 As an adolescent, I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted fof a meaningful vision of human life - so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls. 
Author: Matt Cartmill
Nationality: American
b. December 1943
  
 Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalised for too many players on the field. 
Author: Jim Bouton
Nationality: American
b. 08 March 1939
  
 Be modest! It is the kind of pride least likely to offend. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 Before he retired to his virtuous couch. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals. To actual women it is merely a good excuse not to play football. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Bessie Braddock: Winston, you are drunk! Churchill: And Madam, you are ugly. And tomorrow, I'll be sober, and you will still be ugly. 
Author: Sir Winston Churchill
Nationality: British
b. 30 November 1874  - d. 14 January 1965
  
 Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Black holes are where God divided by zero. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Breast Feeding should not be attempted by fathers with hairy chests, since they can make the baby sneeze and give it wind. 
Author: Mike Harding
Nationality: British
b. 23 October 1944
  
 By starving emotions we become humorless, rigid and stereotyped; by repressing them we become literal, reformatory and holier-than-thou; encouraged, they perfume life; discouraged, they poison it. 
Author: Joseph Collins
Nationality: British   
 Children are unpredictable. You never know what inconsistency they're going to catch you in next. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Come up and see me sometime. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Comedy, like sodomy, is an unnatural act. 
Author: Marty Feldman
Nationality: English
b. 08 July 1934  - d. 02 December 1982
  
 Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing. 
Author: Clive James
Nationality: Australian
b. 7 October 1939
  
 Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step - it is an old business procedure. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Cup of tea, cup a tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea. Demon monks. Shoulda gone to Vegas. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people. 
Author: Robert Charles Benchley
Nationality: American
b. 15 September 1889  - d. 21 November 1945
  
 Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes. 
Author: Brendan Hill
Nationality: American
b. 27 March 1970
  
 Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how many? 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Do me eyes deceive me earsight? Is it some dreams? 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Do not be fooled into believing that because a man is rich he is necessarily smart. There is ample proof to the contrary. 
Author: Julius Rosenwald
Nationality: American
b. 12 August 1862  - d. 06 February 1932
  
 Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won't feel like watching. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Don't bother discussing sex with small children. They rarely have anything to add. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Either he's dead or my watch has stopped. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections, children tend to be sticky. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Every minute dies a man, And one and one-sixteenth is born. 
Author: Charles Babbage
Nationality: British
b. 26 December 1791  - d. 18 October 1871
  
 Exercise ferments the humors, casts them into their proper channels, throws off redundancies, and helps nature in those secret distributions, without which the body cannot subsist in its vigor, nor the soul act with cheerfulness. 
Author: Joseph Addison
Nationality: English
b. 1 May 1672  - d. 17 June 1719
  
 Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Familiarity breeds contempt - and children. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Food is an important part of a balanced diet. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you. 
Author: Samuel Goldwyn
Nationality: American
b. 27 August 1884  - d. 31 January 1974
  
 Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is, however, a rather archaic usage of the word. Should one of you boys happen upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends. 
Author: Ethel Mumford
Nationality: American
b. December 1878  - d.  December 1940
  
 Good humor is a tonic for mind and body. It is the best antidote for anxiety and depression. It is a business asset. It attracts and keeps friends. It lightens human burdens. It is the direct route to serenity and contentment. 
Author: Grenville Kleiser
Nationality: American
b. December 1868  - d.  December 1953
  
 Good humor is one of the preservatives of our peace and tranquility. 
Author: Thomas Jefferson
Nationality: American
b. 13 April 1743  - d. 4 July 1826
  
 Good humor is the health of the soul, sadness is its poison. 
Author: King Stanislaus Leszczynski
Nationality: Polish
b. 20 October 1677  - d. 23 February 1766
  
 Good taste and humor are a contradiction in terms, like a chaste whore. 
Author: Malcolm Muggeridge
Nationality: British
b. 24 March 1903  - d. 14 November 1990
  
 Goodness, what beautiful diamonds! Goodness had nothing to do with it! 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 He (Brigham Young) is dreadfully married. He's the most married man I ever saw in my life. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 He is an old bore: even the grave yawns for him. 
Author: Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Nationality: English
b. December 1853  - d.  December 1917
  
 He was Australian in everything he said and did. If there is an Australian type he is the type. Long, lean, quiet, humorous, inarticulate, sagacious, easygoing, loyal to his own ethical code, standing on his own feet and facing the world with a good-humoured imperturbability, careless about economics - he does not grow rich. 
Author: Sir Walter Murdoch
Nationality: Australian
b. 17 September 1874  - d.  December 1970
  
 He was Australian in everything he said and did. If there is an Australian type he is the type. Long, lean, quiet, humorous, inarticulate, sagacious, easygoing, loyal to his own ethical code, standing on his own feet and facing the world with a good-humoured imperturbability, careless about economics - he does not grow rich. 
Author: Sir Walter Murdoch
Nationality: Australian
b. 17 September 1874  - d.  December 1970
  
 He who laughs last has no sense of humor. 
Author: Anonymous
Nationality: Australian   
 Honest good humor is the oil and wine of a merry meeting, and there is no jovial companionship equal to that where the jokes are rather small, and the laughter abundant. 
Author: Washington Irving
Nationality: American
b. 3 April 1783  - d. 28 November 1859
  
 If I get a hard audience they are not going to get away until they laugh. Those seven laughs a minute - I've got to have them. 
Author: Ken Arthur Dodd
Nationality: English
b. December 1927
  
 Humility is no substitute for a good personality. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Humor can be dissected as a frog can, but the thing dies in the process and the innards are discouraging to any but the pure scientific mind. 
Author: Elwyn Brooks White
Nationality: American
b. 11 July 1899  - d. 01 October 1985
  
 Humor distorts nothing, and only false gods are laughed off their pedestals. 
Author: Agnes Repplier
Nationality: American
b. 1 April 1855  - d. 15 November 1950
  
 Humor has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. 
Author: Thomas Carlyle
Nationality: Scottish
b. 4 December 1795  - d. 5 September 1881
  
 Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood. 
Author: Mary Hirsch
Nationality: Scottish   
 Humor is also a way of saying something serious. 
Author: T. S. Eliot
Nationality: British
b. 26 September 1888  - d. 4 January 1965
  
 Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law? 
Author: Dick Clark
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1929  - d. 18 April 2012
  
 Humor is an affirmation of dignity, a declaration of man's superiority to all that befalls him. 
Author: Romain Gary
Nationality: Lithuanian
b. 8 May 1914  - d. 2 December 1980
  
 Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. 
Author: Edward de Bono
Nationality: Maltese
b. 19 May 1933
  
 Humor is emotional chaos remembered in tranquility. 
Author: James Thurber
Nationality: American
b. 08 December 1894  - d. 02 November 1961
  
 Humor is just another defense against the universe. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Humor is merely tragedy standing on its head with its pants torn. 
Author: Irvin S. Cobb
Nationality: American
b. December 1876  - d.  December 1944
  
 Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth. 
Author: Victor Borge
Nationality: American
b. 3 January 1909  - d. 23 December 2000
  
 Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit. 
Author: Aristotle
Nationality: Greek
b. December 384  - d.  December 322
  
 Humor - Its essence is love; it issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper. 
Author: Thomas Carlyle
Nationality: Scottish
b. 4 December 1795  - d. 5 September 1881
  
 Humour - Its essence is love; it issues not in laughter, but in still smiles, which lie far deeper. 
Author: Thomas Carlyle
Nationality: Scottish
b. 4 December 1795  - d. 5 September 1881
  
 Humour has justly been regarded as the finest perfection of poetic genius. 
Author: Thomas Carlyle
Nationality: Scottish
b. 4 December 1795  - d. 5 September 1881
  
 Humour is the contemplation of the finite from the point of view of the infinite. 
Author: Christian Morgenstern
Nationality: German
b. 6 May 1871  - d. 31 March 1914
  
 Humour is the first of the gifts to perish in a foreign tongue. 
Author: Virginia Woolf
Nationality: English
b. 25 January 1882  - d. 28 March 1941
  
 Humour is wit and love. 
Author: William Makepeace Thackeray
Nationality: English
b. 18 July 1811  - d. 24 December 1863
  
 I base most of my fashion taste on what doesn't itch. 
Author: Gilda Radner
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1946  - d. 20 May 1989
  
 I believe in censorship. I made a fortune out of it. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I can imagine no more comfortable frame of mind for the conduct of life than a humorous resignation. 
Author: W. Somerset Maugham
Nationality: English
b. 25 January 1874  - d. 16 December 1965
  
 I can tell you in two words: im possible. 
Author: Samuel Goldwyn
Nationality: American
b. 27 August 1884  - d. 31 January 1974
  
 I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I could prove God statistically. Take the human body alone - the chances that all the functions of an individual would just happen is a statistical monstrosity. 
Author: George Horace Gallup
Nationality: American
b. 18 November 1901  - d. 26 September 1984
  
 I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead. 
Author: Samuel Goldwyn
Nationality: American
b. 27 August 1884  - d. 31 January 1974
  
 I feel like a million tonight - but one at a time. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I girdid up my Lions and fled the Seen. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I hate music, especially when it's played. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 I hate to advocate drugs, alcohol, violence, or insanity to anyone, but they've always worked for me. 
Author: Hunter Stockton Thompson
Nationality: American
b. 18 July 1937  - d. 20 February 2005
  
 I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to sacrifice my wife's brother. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I improve on misquotation. 
Author: Cary Grant
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1904  - d. 29 November 1986
  
 I live by squeezing from a stone The little nourishment I get. 
Author: Elinor Morton Wylie
Nationality: American
b. 7 September 1885  - d. 16 December 1928
  
 I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I love children - especially when they cry, for then someone takes them away. 
Author: Nancy Mitford
Nationality: British
b. December 1904  - d.  December 1973
  
 I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,' for it has been my invariable experience that the company of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after dark. 
Author: Dick Gregory
Nationality: African-American
b. 12 October 1932
  
 I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 I once buried my nose in a book, but forgot which book I buried it in! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 I prefer temperance hotels - although they sell worse kinds of liquor than any other kind of hotels. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I resign. I wouldn't want to belong to any club that would have me as a member. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I sometimes think that the saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities- a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. 
Author: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Nationality: American
b. 30 January 1882  - d. 12 April 1945
  
 I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I think every woman is entitled to a middle husband she can forget. 
Author: Adela Rogers St. John
Nationality: American
b. 20 May 1894  - d. 10 August 1988
  
 I think men are sex objects - because they're only good for sex and not much else. 
Author: Jacki Weaver
Nationality: Australian
b. 25 May 1947
  
 I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it. 
Author: J. Robert Oppenheimer
Nationality: American
b. 22 April 1904  - d. 18 February 1967
  
 I think we're losing our sense of humor instead of being able to relax and laugh at ourselves. I don't care whether it's ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, or whose ox is being gored. 
Author: Betty Marion White
Nationality: American
b. 17 January 1922
  
 I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 
Author: Emo Phillips
Nationality: American
b. 07 February 1956
  
 I wasn't kissing her, I was just whispering in her mouth. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I wouldn't mind paying taxes - if I knew they were going to a friendly country. 
Author: Dick Gregory
Nationality: African-American
b. 12 October 1932
  
 I wrote the story myself. It's about a girl who lost her reputation and never missed it. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 I'm a hero with coward's legs. I'm a hero from the waist up.  
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I'm not a politician and my other habits are good, too. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I'm walking backwards till Christmas. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I've been accused of vulgarity. I say that's bullshit. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 I've worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 If evolution really works how come mothers only have two hands? 
Author: Ed Dussault
Nationality: American   
 If I get big laughs, I'm a comedian. If I get little laughs, I'm a humorist. If I get no laughs, I'm a singer. 
Author: George Burns
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1896  - d. 9 March 1996
  
 If I had no sense of humor, I would long ago have committed suicide. 
Author: Mahatma Gandhi
Nationality: Indian
b. 2 October 1869  - d. 30 January 1948
  
 If I only had a little humility, I'd be perfect. 
Author: Ted Turner
Nationality: American
b. 19 November 1938
  
 If I was doing it over again I wouldn't have done it, but I can't shoot them now that they're here. 
Author: Ted Turner
Nationality: American
b. 19 November 1938
  
 If Kinsey is right, I have only done what comes naturally, what the average American does secretly, drenching himself in guilt fixations and phobias because of his sense of sinning. I have never felt myself a sinner or committed what I would call a sin. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 If the events of September 11 have proven anything, it's that the terrorists can attack us, but they can't take away what makes us Americans - our freedom, our liberty, our civil rights. No, only Attorney General John Ashcroft can do that. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear a sweater, suggest that he wear a tail. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 If you are not part of the solution, you are part of the precipitate. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature, do not forget that actions speak louder than words. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 If you can look into the mirror without laughter, you have no sense of humor. 
Author: Anonymous
Nationality: American   
 If you steal from one Literature, it's plagiarism. If you steal from two, it's research. 
Author: Wilson Mizner
Nationality: American
b. 19 May 1876  - d. 13 April 1933
  
 If you're going to America, bring your own food. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Imagination is a quality given a man to compensate him for what he is not, and a sense of humour was provided to console him for what he is. 
Author: Oscar Wilde
Nationality: English
b. 16 October 1854  - d. 30 November 1900
  
 Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he isn't. A sense of humor was provided to console him for what he is. 
Author: Horace Walpole
Nationality: English
b. December 1717  - d.  December 1797
  
 In all thy humours, whether grave or mellow, Thou art such a touchy, testy, pleasant fellow; Hast so much wit, and mirth, and spleen about thee, That there's no living with thee, or without thee. 
Author: Marcus Valerius Martialis
Nationality: Latin
b. December 43  - d.  December 104
  
 In arguing one should meet serious pleading with humor, And humor with serious pleading. 
Author: Gorgias
Nationality: Greek
b. December 487  - d.  December 376
  
 In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 In my experience, cats and beds seem to be a natural combination. 
Author: Dr Louis J. Camuti
Nationality: American
b. December 1893  - d.  December 1981
  
 It ain't no sin to crack a few laws now and then, just so long as you don't break any. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 It ain't so much the things you don't know that get you in trouble. It's the things you know that just ain't so. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 It is better to be looked over than overlooked. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 It is well known that Beauty does not look with a good grace on the timid advances of Humor. 
Author: W. Somerset Maugham
Nationality: English
b. 25 January 1874  - d. 16 December 1965
  
 It was the saying of an ancient sage that humour was the only test of gravity, and gravity of humour. 
Author: Anthony Ashley-Cooper
Nationality: English
b. 26 February 1671  - d. 4 February 1713
  
 It's a strange world of language in which skating on thin ice can get you in hot water. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 It's not the men in my life that count, it's the life in my men. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Jerry Lewis has been married twenty times. He gets married on a Tuesday, they find his wife dead in a swimming pool on Thursday. Maybe if you married someone who's old enough to swin next time, OK Jerry? 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 Jews can't serve on juries because they insist they're guilty. 
Author: Cathy Ladman
Nationality: American
b. December 1955
  
 Keep a diary, and someday it'll keep you. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Keep your sense of humor.There's enough stress in the rest of your life to let bad shots ruin a game you're supposed to enjoy. 
Author: Amy Alcott
Nationality: American
b. 22 February 1956
  
 Kissing your hand may make you feel very very good but a diamond and sapphire bracelet lasts forever. 
Author: Anita Loos
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1888  - d. 18 August 1981
  
 Knowledge is power if you know it about the right person. 
Author: Ethel Mumford
Nationality: American
b. December 1878  - d.  December 1940
  
 Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 Laughter sets the spirit free to move through even the most tragic of circumstances. It helps us shake our heads clear, get our feet back under us, restoring our sense of balance and purpose. Humor is integral to our peace of mind and to our ability to go beyond survival. 
Author: Captain Gerald Coffee
Nationality: American   
 Let us all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to borrow the money to do it with. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Let's have the Union restored as it was, if we can; but if we can't, I'm in favor of the Union as it wasn't. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint you can on it. 
Author: Danny Kaye
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1913  - d. 3 March 1987
  
 Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you. 
Author: Langston Hughes
Nationality: American
b. 1 February 1902  - d. 22 May 1967
  
 Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love makes the ride worthwhile. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Loves conquers all things except poverty and toothache. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Mal Colston has avoided prosecution for various alleged offences, citing his impending demise as the reason for not facing charges. Don't you just hate it when politicians break their promises. 
Author: Russ Grigg
Nationality: Australian   
 Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches. 
Author: Jim Carey
Nationality: Canadian
b. 17 January 1962
  
 Men will confess to treason, murder, arson, false teeth, or a wig. How many of them will own up to a lack of humor? 
Author: Frank Moore Colby
Nationality: American
b. December 1865  - d.  December 1925
  
 Money can't buy friends, but it can get you a better class of enemy. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Money can't buy poverty. 
Author: Marty Feldman
Nationality: English
b. 08 July 1934  - d. 02 December 1982
  
 Money can't buy you happiness, but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Most of the humour here is from America. It is of the feeblest Kind. 
Author: John Shaw Nelson
Nationality: British   
 Most of us have been taught about the need to appropriate by faith what is already ours through grace. We all desire to have more joy in our Christian life. The keys to experiencing joy are available to all of us. We need to understand the gospel of the grace of God as revealed to the Apostle Paul. Then as we put Paul's instructions into practice, we will come to know God experientially. This will cause us to know Him better which will cause us to want to obey more, and on and on it goes. Then as we learn and obey God and become focused on spiritual things instead of earthly things, we will become thankful for everything that God has provided for us in Christ. Knowledge, obedience, and thankfulness will then lead to abundant joy in our everyday life! In the words of the old hymn: Trust and obey, For there's no other way, To be happy in Jesus, But to trust and obey. 
Author: Dai Stuart Havard
Nationality: Welsh
b. 07 February 1950
  
 Most people don't know what they are doing, and a lot of them are really good at it. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Most turkeys taste better the day after; my mother's tasted better the day before. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 MTV is the lava lamp of the 1980's. 
Author: Doug Ferrari
Nationality: American   
 My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I had the chance. 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 My favorite animal is steak. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 My favorite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 My parents only had one argument in forty-five years. It lasted forty-three years. 
Author: Cathy Ladman
Nationality: American
b. December 1955
  
 My poor fellow, why not carry a watch? 
Author: Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Nationality: English
b. December 1853  - d.  December 1917
  
 Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Never invest money in anything that eats or needs repairing. 
Author: Billy Rose
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1899  - d. 10 February 1966
  
 Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. 
Author: Red Buttons
Nationality: American
b. 05 February 1919  - d. 13 July 2006
  
 Ninety-eight percent of American homes have TV sets, which means the people in the other two percent have to generate their own sex and violence. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 No doubt, my wife's sister would make some paralysed deaf mute a good wife - but I'll say no more. After all, blood is thicker than water. But then so is soup, and even water is of some use when you can't get anything else - but still, I will say no more. Never let it be said that I ever said anything derogatory of that parrot-brained Gorgon. 
Author: Lennie Lower
Nationality: Australian
b. 24 September 1903  - d. 19 July 1947
  
 No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 No pain; No brain. 
Author: Greg Olson-Hyde
Nationality: Australian
b. 29 June 1949
  
 Not only to say the right thing in the right place, but far more difficult, to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. 
Author: George Augustas Sala
Nationality: English
b. 24 November 1828  - d. 08 December 1895
  
 Nothing changes your opinion of a friend so surely as success - yours or his. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Nothing is certain but death and taxes. Of the two, taxes happen annually. 
Author: Joel Fox
Nationality: American   
 Nothing makes you more tolerant of a neighbor's noisy party than being there. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Nothing produces such odd results as trying to get even. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Nothing succeeds like address. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Of Bureaucracy: To slowly go where they have already gone before. 
Author: Greg Olson-Hyde
Nationality: Australian
b. 29 June 1949
  
 Of women: A man of sense only trifles with them, plays with them, humours and flatters them, as he does with a sprightly and forward child; but he neither consults them about, nor trusts them with, serious matters. 
Author: Earl Philip Dormer Stanhope
Nationality: English
b. 22 September 1694  - d. 24 March 1773
  
 OK, so what's the speed of dark ? 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 Old age means realizing you will never own all the dogs you wanted to. 
Author: Joe Gores
Nationality: American
b. 25 December 1931  - d. 10 January 2011
  
 On a plane you can pick up more and better people than on any other public conveyance since the stagecoach. 
Author: Anita Loos
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1888  - d. 18 August 1981
  
 On his blue-collar patients: I lived among these people. I knew them and saw the essential qualities, courage, the humor, the basic tragedy of their lives, and the importance of it. 
Author: Dr. William Carlos Williams
Nationality: American
b. December 1883  - d.  December 1863
  
 One day of practice is like one day of clean living. It doesn't do you any good. 
Author: Abe Lemmons
Nationality: American
b. 21 November 1922  - d. 02 September 2002
  
 One day while Groucho Marx was working in his garden (dressed in well-worn gardening attire), a wealthy woman pulled up in a Cadillac and endeavored to persuade the gardener to come and work for her. How much does the lady of the house pay you? she asked. Oh, I don't get paid in dollars, Groucho replied, glancing up. The lady of the house just a lets me sleep with her. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you. 
Author: Larry Gelbart
Nationality: American
b. 25 February 1928  - d. 11 September 2009
  
 One of the things we must do in this world, is laugh. In Hell there will be nothing to laugh about, and in Heaven it just won't be proper. 
Author: Joannah Olson
Nationality: American
b. December 1888  - d.  December 1970
  
 Only as high as I reach can I grow Only as far as I seek can I go, Only as deep as I look can I see, Only as much as I dream can I be. 
Author: Karen Ravn
Nationality: American   
 Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings. 
Author: Ed Gardner
Nationality: American
b. 29 June 1901  - d. 17 August 1963
  
 Optimism and humor are the grease and glue of life. Without both of them we would never have survived our captivity. 
Author: Philip Butler
Nationality: American   
 Original thought is like original sin: both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Originality is the art of concealing your source. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Oscar Wilde: I wish I had said that. Whistler: You will, Oscar, you will. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Outside of a dog, a man's best friend is a book. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Beulah, Peel me a grape. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 People hate me because I am a multifaceted, talented, wealthy, internationally famous genius. 
Author: Jerry Lewis
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1926
  
 Perhaps nothing has changed in the course of history as much as historians. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Radio news is bearable. This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast the disc jockey is not allowed to talk. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Raiding an Englishman's fridge is like dating a nun: You're never gonna get the good stuff. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now, blue-green meat, that's REALLY BAD for you. 
Author: Tommy Bolin Smothers
Nationality: American
b. 02 February 1937
  
 Remember that as a teenager you are at the last stage in your life when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Replying to the question 'For two days' labour, you ask two hundred guineas? No, I ask it for the knowledge of a lifetime. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Say what you want about long dresses, but they cover a multitude of shins. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Scratch a dog and you'll find a permanent job. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 Sex is an emotion in motion. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Sex is two plus two making five, rather than four. Sex is the X ingredient that you can't define, and it's that X ingredient between two people that make both a man and a woman good in bed. It's all relative. There are no rules. 
Author: Marty Feldman
Nationality: English
b. 08 July 1934  - d. 02 December 1982
  
 She got her good looks from her father - he's a plastic surgeon. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 She's the kind of woman who climbed the ladder of success-wrong by wrong. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Sir, money, money, the most charming of all things; money, which will say more in one moment than the most elegant lover can in years. Perhaps you will say a man is not young; I answer he is rich. He is not genteel, handsome, witty, brave, good-humoured, but he is rich, rich, rich, rich, rich - that one word contradicts everything you can say against him. 
Author: Henry Fielding
Nationality: English
b. 22 April 1707  - d. 8 October 1754
  
 So (said the doctor), now vee may perhaps to begin. Yes? 
Author: Philip Milton Roth
Nationality: American
b. 19 March 1933
  
 Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps. 
Author: Emo Phillips
Nationality: American
b. 07 February 1956
  
 Some people are commended for a giddy kind of good humour, which is no more a virtue than drunkenness. 
Author: Alexander Pope
Nationality: English
b. 21 May 1688  - d. 30 May 1744
  
 Some people gain comfort believing there is a God, some by believing that his son died for us while others gain comfort from sitting on hard wooden pews in a very large building. 
Author: Greg Olson-Hyde
Nationality: Australian
b. 29 June 1949
  
 Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Spike had a little trip to the vet, and now he doesn't chase the other puppies anymore. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra. In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Surfs up: the water's warm: watch out for fins.  
Author: Headline
Nationality: Australian   
 Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it. 
Author: Moses Hadas
Nationality: American
b. 25 June 1900  - d. 17 August 1986
  
 That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you. 
Author: Alan Whitney Brown
Nationality: American
b. December 1952
  
 The art of taxation consists in so plucking the goose as to obtain the largest amount of feathers with the least amount of hissing. 
Author: Jean-Baptiste Colbert
Nationality: French
b. 29 August 1619  - d. 6 September 1683
  
 The conception of two people living together for twenty-five years without having a cross word suggests a lack of spirit only to be admired in sheep. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 The English gave Australia its laws, the Scots its money and the Irish its humour. 
Author: Edmund Campion
Nationality: English   
 The humorous man recognizes that absolute purity, absolute justice, absolute logic and perfection are beyond human achievement and that men have been able to live happily for thousands of years in a state of genial frailty. 
Author: Brooks Atkinson
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1894  - d. 14 January 1984
  
 The last person to achieve unambiguous victory in an air war was Zeus. 
Author: Tony Snow
Nationality: American
b. 01 June 1955  - d. 12 July 2008
  
 The moment at which two people, approaching from opposite ends of a long passageway, recognize each other and immediately pretend they haven't. This is to avoid the ghastly embarrassment of having to continue recognizing each other the whole length of the corridor. 
Author: Douglas Adams
Nationality: English
b. 11 March 1952  - d. 11 May 2001
  
 The most common error made in matters of appearance is the belief that one should disdain the superficial and let the true beauty of one's soul shine through. If there are places on your body where this is a possibility, you are not attractive - you are leaking. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 The one thing children wear out faster than shoes is parents. 
Author: John J. Plomp
Nationality: American   
 The opposite of talking is not listening. The opposite of talking is waiting. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 The purpose of life is to fight maturity. 
Author: Dick Werthimer
Nationality: American   
 The satirist shoots to kill while the humorist brings his prey back alive and eventually releases him again for another chance. 
Author: Peter de Vries
Nationality: American
b. 27 February 1910  - d. 28 September 1933
  
 The saving grace of America lies in the fact that the overwhelming majority of Americans are possessed of two great qualities, a sense of humor and a sense of proportion. 
Author: Franklin Delano Roosevelt
Nationality: American
b. 30 January 1882  - d. 12 April 1945
  
 The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 The secret source of Humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 The secret to humor is surprise. 
Author: Aristotle
Nationality: Greek
b. December 384  - d.  December 322
  
 The telephone is a good way to talk to people without having to offer the m a drink. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 The total absence of humour from the Bible is one of the most singular things in all literature. 
Author: Alfred North Whitehead
Nationality: English
b. 15 February 1861  - d. 30 December 1947
  
 The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 The trouble with jogging is that by the time you realize you're not in shape for it, it's too far to walk back. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself. 
Author: James Thurber
Nationality: American
b. 08 December 1894  - d. 02 November 1961
  
 The word Lady: Most often used to describe someone you wouldn't want to talk to for even five minutes. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 There are many humorous things in the world: among them the white man's notion that he is less savage than the other savages. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 There are none more abusive to others than they that lie most open to it themselves; but the humor goes round, and he that laughs at me today will have somebody to laugh at him tomorrow. 
Author: Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Nationality: Roman
b. December 4  - d.  December 65
  
 There are two insults no human being will endure: that he has no sense of humor, and that he has never known trouble. 
Author: Sinclair Lewis
Nationality: American
b. 7 February 1885  - d. 10 January 1951
  
 There are very few good judges of humor, and they don't agree. 
Author: Josh Billings
Nationality: American
b. 20 April 1818  - d. 14 October 1885
  
 There is no such thing as inner peace. There is only nervousness or death. Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you. 
Author: Will Rogers
Nationality: American
b. 04 November 1879  - d. 15 August 1935
  
 There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says yes, he's a crook. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 They say love is blind and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Time flies like an arrow; Fruit flies like a banana. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like bananas. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 To a lady who said the two greatest painters were Whistler and Velasquez: Why drag in Velasquez? 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 To attract men, I wear a perfume called 'New Car Interior.' 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 To err is human, but it feels divine. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady. 
Author: Wilson Mizner
Nationality: American
b. 19 May 1876  - d. 13 April 1933
  
 To spend too much Time in Studies, is Sloth; To use them too much for Ornament, is Affectation; To make Judgement wholly by their rules is the humour of a Scholar. 
Author: Sir Francis Bacon
Nationality: English
b. 22 January 1561  - d. 9 April 1626
  
 Tomorrow is a thief of pleasure. 
Author: Sir Rex Harrison
Nationality: English
b. 05 March 1908  - d. 02 June 1990
  
 Too much of a good thing can be wonderful. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Total absence of humor renders life impossible. 
Author: Colette
Nationality: French
b. 28 January 1873  - d. 03 August 1954
  
 Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Virtue has its own reward, but no box office. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 What makes resisting temptation difficult for many people is they don't want to discourage it completely. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 What's another word for thesaurus? 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 When all is done, human life is, at the greatest and the best, but like a forward child, that must be play'd with and humoured a little to keep it quiet till it falls asleep, and the care is over. 
Author: Sir William Temple
Nationality: English
b. 25 April 1628  - d. 27 January 1699
  
 When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?' 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 When I'm good I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 When it comes to finances, remember that there are no withholding taxes on the wages of sin. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 When women go wrong, men go right after them. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Whenever I'm caught between two evils, I take the one I've never tried. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 Whenever you find Humor, you find Pathos close by its side. 
Author: Edwin Whipple
Nationality: American
b. 08 March 1819  - d. 16 June 1886
  
 Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will. 
Author: J. K. Galbraith
Nationality: American
b. December 1908
  
 Which brand is best? Which faith is true? The Gospel according to me ...? Or you ...? 
Author: Bastian Sleffur
Nationality: Australian   
 Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy - the mother. 
Author: Claudette Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 September 1903  - d. 30 July 1996
  
 Why is this thus? What is the reason of this thusness? 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Work - other people's work - is an intolerable idea to a cat. Can you picture cats herding sheep or agreeing to pull a cart? They will not inconvenience themselves to the slightest degree. 
Author: Dr Louis J. Camuti
Nationality: American
b. December 1893  - d.  December 1981
  
 You are not angry with people when you laugh at them. Humor teaches tolerance. 
Author: W. Somerset Maugham
Nationality: English
b. 25 January 1874  - d. 16 December 1965
  
 You can learn many things from children. How much patience you have, for instance. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 You can turn painful situations around through laughter. If you can find humor in anything - even poverty - you can survive it. 
Author: Bill Cosby
Nationality: American
b. December 1937
  
 You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters. The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 You can't have everything. Where would you put it? 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 You know children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers. 
Author: John J. Plomp
Nationality: American   
 You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 You'd better beat it. You can leave in a taxi. If you can't get a taxi, you can leave in a huff. If that's too soon, you can leave in a minute and a huff. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 You're an old-timer if you can remember when setting the world on fire was a figure of speech. 
Author: Franklin P. Jones
Nationality: American
b. December 1881  - d.  December 1960
  
 You're never too old to become younger. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 You've got to pity the poor Democrats in Congress. Most of them are on record against capital punishment, since they naturally donít want to diminish their constituent base. 
Author: Wes Pruden
Nationality: American   
 Your life story would not make a good book. Don't even try. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Your responsibility as a parent is not as great as you might imagine. You need not supply the world with the next conqueror of disease or major motion-picture star. If your child simply grows up to be someone who does not use the word ''collectible'' as a noun, you can consider yourself an unqualified success. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 Every time I decide to take the bull by the horns; the bull moves to another paddock. 
Author: Greg Olson-Hyde
Nationality: Australian
b. 29 June 1949
  
 Everything that used to be a sin, is now a disease. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 An optimist is a driver who thinks that empty space at the curb won't have a hydrant beside it.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 Man who waits for roast duck to fly into mouth must wait very, very long time.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 There are moments when everything goes well, but don't be frightened.  
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 We are so happy to advise others that occasionally we even do it in their interest. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 Miss Jex Blake, a classics don, who was thoroughly robust and rather like a horse; this is not unkindly meant, for I liked and respected her. She had a great sense of humour.  
Author: Dora Russell
Nationality: English
b. 3 April 1894  - d. 31 May 1986
  
 Good humor isn't a trait of character, it is an art which requires practice. 
Author: David Seabury
Nationality: American   
 A car is useless in New York, essential everywhere else. The same with good manners. 
Author: Mignon McLaughlin
Nationality: American
b. 6 June 1913  - d. 20 December 1983
  
 A sense of humor is a major defense against minor troubles.  
Author: Mignon McLaughlin
Nationality: American
b. 6 June 1913  - d. 20 December 1983
  
 There are people who can talk sensibly about a controversial issue; they're called humorists. 
Author: Cullen Hightower
Nationality: American   
 There is so little difference between husbands you might as well keep the first. 
Author: Adela Rogers St. John
Nationality: American
b. 20 May 1894  - d. 10 August 1988
  
 You can make fun of everything. 
Author: Matt Richard Stone
Nationality: American
b. 26 May 1971
  
 Ladies, just a little more virginity, if you don't mind. 
Author: Herbert Beerbohm Tree
Nationality: English
b. December 1853  - d.  December 1917
  
 Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it. 
Author: Elwyn Brooks White
Nationality: American
b. 11 July 1899  - d. 01 October 1985
  
 This I conceive to be the chemical function of humor: to change the character of our thought 
Author: Lin Yutang
Nationality: Chinese
b. 10 October 1895  - d. 26 March 1976
  
 I regard the writing of humor as a supreme artistic challenge. 
Author: Herman Wouk
Nationality: American
b. 27 May 1915
  
 Did you ever notice they never take any fat hostages? You never see a guy coming out of Lebanon going: I was held hostage for seven months and I lost 175 pounds, I feel good and I look good and I learned self-discipline. That's the important thing. 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 I will not bond. I will not share. I refuse to nuture. 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with. 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 I would never do crack. I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay? 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 The best pitch I ever heard about cocaine was back in the early eighties when a street dealer followed me down the sidewalk going 'I got some great blow man. I got the stuff that killed Belushi.' 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid. 
Author: Denis Leary
Nationality: American
b. 18 August 1957
  
 Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with the other men. There is a three year waiting list. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 In Russia, if a male athelete loses he becomes a female athelete. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 Reading employment announcements of "Part-Time Woman: Wanted": "What a country! Even transvestites can get work. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 There is also this benefit in brag, that the speaker is unconsciously expressing his own ideal. Humor him by all means, draw it all out, and hold him to it. 
Author: Miguel de Cervantes
Nationality: Spanish
b. 29 September 1547  - d. 23 April 1616
  
 Humor will follow the way of thinking of the times. 
Author: Shel Silverstein
Nationality: American
b. 25 September 1930  - d. 10 May 1999
  
 Just to be a deep cartoonist I don't think is enough. The humor hast to be there. And you can make a living just being humorous, but I doubt that people would have too much use for you. 
Author: Shel Silverstein
Nationality: American
b. 25 September 1930  - d. 10 May 1999
  
 Stand-up comics reflect less of a visual humor and more of a commentary. 
Author: Shel Silverstein
Nationality: American
b. 25 September 1930  - d. 10 May 1999
  
 A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials. 
Author: Ronald Knox
Nationality: English
b. December 1888  - d.  December 1957
  
 At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Electricity is really just organized lightning. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Think off-center. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Weather forecast for tonight: dark. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they? 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on? 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that." 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 The most important thing in the kitchen is the waste paper basket and it needs to be centrally located. 
Author: Donald Knuth
Nationality: American
b. 10 January 1938
  
 A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are. 
Author: Chauncey Mitchell Depew
Nationality: American
b. 23 April 1834  - d. 05 April 1928
  
 A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want! 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 There is no such thing as fun for the whole family. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end. 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out." 
Author: Jerry Seinfeld
Nationality: American
b. 29 April 1954
  
 I have always felt that laughter in the face of reality is probably the finest sound there is and will last until the day when the game is called on account of darkness. In this world, a good time to laugh is any time you can. 
Author: Linda Ellerbee
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1944
  
 If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?  
Author: Linda Ellerbee
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1944
  
 The new national campfire - radio. 
Author: Linda Ellerbee
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1944
  
 Time doesn't go. Time stays. We go. 
Author: Linda Ellerbee
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1944
  
 Another fine mess you're gotten me into. 
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 Babe would understand.  
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 I had a dream that I was awake and I woke up to find myself asleep. 
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 If anyone at my funeral has a long face, I'll never speak to him again. 
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 If you had a face like mine, you'd punch me right on the nose, and I'm just the fella to do it. 
Author: Stan Laurel
Nationality: English
b. 16 June 1890  - d. 23 February 1965
  
 A wise parent humors the desire for independent action, so as to become the friend and advisor when his absolute rule shall cease. 
Author: Elizabeth Cleghorn Gaskell
Nationality: English
b. 29 September 1810  - d. 12 November 1865
  
 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far. 
T.V. Series: The Simpsons
Nationality: American   
 We do not take humor seriously enough. 
Author: Konrad Lorenz
Nationality: Austrian
b. 7 November 1903  - d. 27 February 1989
  
 I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. 
Author: Peter Ustinov
Nationality: English
b. 16 April 1921  - d. 28 March 2004
  
 Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Humor must not professedly teach and it must not professedly preach, but it must do both if it would live forever. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Humor is mankind's greatest blessing. 
Author: Mark Twain
Nationality: American
b. 30 November 1835  - d. 21 April 1910
  
 Wit is a weapon. Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority. But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin, usually in solitude. 
Author: Frank Muir
Nationality: British
b. 5 February 1920  - d. 2 February 1998
  
 In some sort of crude sense, which no vulgarity, no humor, no overstatement can quite extinguish, the physicists have known sin; and this is a knowledge which they cannot lose. 
Author: J. Robert Oppenheimer
Nationality: American
b. 22 April 1904  - d. 18 February 1967
  
 Women like silent men. They think they're listening. 
Author: Marcel Archard
Nationality: American   
 Among all kinds of Writing, there is none in which Literatures are more apt to miscarry than in Works of Humour, as there is none in which they are more ambitious to excel. 
Author: Joseph Addison
Nationality: English
b. 1 May 1672  - d. 17 June 1719
  
 A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well. 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 "My wife said to me, 'For our anniversary I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen!'" 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 "Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!" 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 "Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"  
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 "What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!" 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off! 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!" 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 "My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him." 
Author: Henny Youngman
Nationality: American
b. 16 March 1906  - d. 24 February 1998
  
 I have a fine sense of the ridiculous, but no sense of humor. 
Author: Edward Albee
Nationality: American
b. 12 March 1928
  
 Maybe there's a chance to get back to grown-up films. Anything that uses humor and dramatic values to deal with human emotions and gets down to what people are to people. 
Author: Robert Altman
Nationality: American
b. 20 February 1925  - d. 20 November 2006
  
 I am better able to imagine hell than heaven; it is my inheritance, I suppose. 
Author: Elinor Morton Wylie
Nationality: American
b. 7 September 1885  - d. 16 December 1928
  
 I found out I was adopted when I was 45. It was a great relief to both of us. 
Author: Michael G. Olson
Nationality: Australian
b. 7 December 1956
  
 I've always slightly worried the kids who play football around my house. They know I'm an actor, but felt sorry for me because they'd never seen anything I've done. 
Author: Bill Nighy
Nationality: English
b. 12 December 1949
  
 I wanted to be a journalist, I thought it was glamorous and that I'd meet beautiful women in the rain. 
Author: Bill Nighy
Nationality: English
b. 12 December 1949
  
 Humor does not rescue us from unhappiness, but enables us to move back from it a little. 
Author: Mason Cooley
Nationality: American
b. December 1927  - d. 25 July 2002
  
 Our subconscious minds have no sense of humor, play no jokes and cannot tell the difference between reality and an imagined thought or image. What we continually think about eventually will manifest in our lives. 
Author: Robert Joseph Collier
Nationality: American
b. 17 June 1876  - d. 9 November 1918
  
 I lost interest in firearms because we had a dog that was scared to death of the sound of a rifle shot. 
Author: James Todd Spader
Nationality: American
b. 7 February 1960
  
 Humor is very very risky, particularly for a candidate, unless he's been in so long that it just doesn't matter, and he's not running for president. But it's just that people are so sensitive and so touchy, and you're just going to upset somebody without ever realizing it. 
Author: Mark Russell
Nationality: American
b. 23 August 1932
  
 Vodka gets you drunker quicker. 
Author: Fay Weldon
Nationality: English
b. 22 September 1931
  
 Imagination was given to man to compensate him for what he is not; a sense of humor to console him for what he is. 
Author: Francis Bacon
Nationality: English
b. 22 January 1561  - d. 9 April 1626
  
 If you can get humor and seriousness at the same time, you've created a special little thing, and that's what I'm looking for, because if you get pompous, you lose everything. 
Author: Paul Simon
Nationality: American
b. 13 October 1941
  
 In prehistoric times, mankind often had only two choices in crisis situations: fight or flee. In modern times, humor offers us a third alternative; fight, flee - or laugh. 
Author: Robert Orben
Nationality: American
b. 4 March 1927
  
 The humor is essentially dark for a cartoon and sophisticated. But at the same time, being a cartoon gives the writers more freedom than in a normal sitcom. It always pushes the line that, despite human failings, the Simpsons are really decent people. 
Author: Dan Louis Castellaneta
Nationality: American
b. 29 October 1957
  
 Humor has bailed me out of more tight situations than I can think of. If you go with your instincts and keep your humor, creativity follows. With luck, success comes, too. 
Author: Jimmy Buffett
Nationality: American
b. 25 December 1946
  
 Our virtues are most frequently but vices in disguise. 
Author: François de La Rochefoucauld
Nationality: French
b. 15 September 1613  - d. 17 March 1680
  
 At first I was surprised that anyone should think that I would want to run for office, or that I was fitted to hold office. Then I realized that some people felt that I must have learned something from my husband in all the years that he was in public life! They also knew that I had stressed the fact that women should accept responsibility as citizens. I heard that I was being offered the nomination for governor or for the United States Senate in my own state, and even for Vice President. And some particularly humorous souls wrote in and suggested that I run as the first woman President of the United States! The simple truth is that I have had my fill of public life of the more or less stereotyped kind. 
Author: Eleanor Roosevelt
Nationality: American
b. 10 October 1884  - d. 7 November 1962
  
 Gags die, humor doesn't. 
Author: Jack Benny
Nationality: American
b. 14 February 1894  - d. 26 December 1974
  
 I wasn't born a fool. It took work to get this way. 
Author: Danny Kaye
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1913  - d. 3 March 1987
  
 To travel is to take a journey into yourself. 
Author: Danny Kaye
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1913  - d. 3 March 1987
  
 You bet I arrived overnight. Over a few hundred nights in the Catskills, in vaudeville, in clubs and on Broadway. 
Author: Danny Kaye
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1913  - d. 3 March 1987
  
 When humor goes, there goes civilization. 
Author: Erma Bombeck
Nationality: American
b. 21 February 1927  - d. 22 April 1996
  
 I wouldn't keep him around long if I didn't feed him well. 
Author: Julia Child
Nationality: American
b. 15 August 1912  - d. 13 August 2004
  
 I'm a classic example of all humorists - only funny when I'm working. 
Author: Peter Sellers
Nationality: British
b. 8 September 1925  - d. 24 July 1980
  
 Men don't get smarter when they grow older. They just lose their hair. 
Author: Claudette Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 September 1903  - d. 30 July 1996
  
 I bet you think an egg is something you casually order for breakfast when you can't think of anything else. Well, so did I once, but that was before the egg and I. 
Author: Claudette Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 September 1903  - d. 30 July 1996
  
 If I couldn't laugh, I'd rather die. 
Author: Claudette Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 September 1903  - d. 30 July 1996
  
 I married a wonderful doctor, and I was very happy - period. 
Author: Claudette Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 September 1903  - d. 30 July 1996
  
 It's not true I had nothing on, I had the radio on. 
Author: Marilyn Monroe
Nationality: American
b. 1 June 1926  - d. 5 August 1962
  
 What do I wear in bed? Why, Chanel No. 5, of course. 
Author: Marilyn Monroe
Nationality: American
b. 1 June 1926  - d. 5 August 1962
  
 Humor has been the balm of my life, but it's been reserved for those close to me, not part of the public Lana. 
Author: Lana Turner
Nationality: American
b. 8 February 1920  - d. 29 June 1995
  
 Charles, I remember our date and have the splinters to prove it. 
Author: Mae West
Nationality: American
b. 17 August 1892  - d. 22 November 1980
  
 The view from my apartment, was the World Trade Center, and now it's gone, and they attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity, and strength, and labor, and imagination and commerce, and it is gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the South of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 The seven marvels that best represent man's achievements over the last 2,000 years will be determined by Internet vote - so look for Howard Stern's Private Parts to come in No. 1. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 President Bush remained undeterred by the massive display of American opposition, even though much of it came from the hundreds of thousands of voters who supported him by voting for Nader.  
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 If you watch the news and don't like it, then this is your counter program to the news. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 Many of our soldiers are stationed at Camp Coyote just south of the Iraqi border. This is how you know we have a strong army, when you can actually tell your enemy exactly where your camp is and what its name is. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 More than 150 heads of state attended the UN Summit, giving New Yorkers a chance to get in touch with prejudices they didn't even know they had. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 McVeigh's lawyer got him the death penalty, which, quite frankly, I could have done. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 Ahh, Earth Day, the only day of the year where being able to hacky-sack will get you laid. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 Here's the point - you're looking at affirmative action, and you're looking at marijuana. You legalize marijuana, no need for quotas, because really, who's gonna wanna work?  
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 The Supreme Court ruled that disabled golfer Casey Martin has a legal right to ride in a golf cart between shots at PGA Tour events. Man, the next thing you know, they're going to have some guy carry his clubs around for him. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president... and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.' 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I'm not just a boy toy. I have feelings and dreams like anybody else. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 You just have to keep trying to do good work, and hope that it leads to more good work. I want to look back on my career and be proud of the work, and be proud that I tried everything. Yes, I want to look back and know that I was terrible at a variety of things. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it! 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 There is no such thing as an impartial jury because there are no impartial people. There are people that argue on the web for hours about who their favorite character on "Friends" is. 
Author: Jon Stewart
Nationality: American
b. 28 November 1962
  
 I don't know how many sacred cows there are today. I think there's a little confusion between humor and gross passing for humor. That's kind of regrettable. 
Author: Bob Newhart
Nationality: American
b. 5 September 1929
  
 What we're doing is fun - if you have any sense of humor at all! 
Author: Calvin Klein
Nationality: American
b. 12 November 1942
  
 It is also not seasonable, or civil, to be jocund in this way with those who desire to be serious, and like not the humour. 
Author: Isaac Barrow
Nationality: English
b. October 1630  - d. 4 May 1677
  
 It is quite true, as some poets said, that the God who created man must have had a sinister sense of humor, creating him a reasonable being, yet forcing him to take this ridiculous posture, and driving him with blind craving for this ridiculous performance. 
Author: D. H. Lawrence
Nationality: English
b. 11 September 1885  - d. 2 March 1930
  
 Humor is not a mood but a way of looking at the world. So if it is correct to say that humor was stamped out in Nazi Germany, that does not mean that people were not in good spirits, or anything of that sort, but something much deeper and more important. 
Author: Ludwig Wittgenstein
Nationality: Austrian
b. 26 April 1889  - d. 29 April 1951
  
 I go in for what is known in the trade as 'light writing' and those who do that - humorists they are sometimes called - are looked down upon by the intelligentsia and sneered at. 
Author: P. G. Wodehouse
Nationality: American
b. 15 October 1881  - d. 14 February 1975
  
 Get well cards have become so humorous that if you don't get sick you're missing half the fun. 
Author: Flip Wilson
Nationality: American
b. 8 December 1933  - d. 25 November 1988
  
 People come up to me as I leave the stage after a performance and tell me tey saw my mother onstage with me every time I sing. I keep a sense of humor about it. 
Author: Lorna Luft
Nationality: American
b. 21 November 1957
  
 I like my coffee like I like my women. In a plastic cup. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 Never put a sock in a toaster. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 They tend to come out a colour called 'Pants left in wash'. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 I have been accused of being a joker. But the most successful art to me involves humor. 
Author: Man Ray
Nationality: American
b. 27 August 1890  - d. 18 November 1976
  
 I have hated the church way before anyone else. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 A lot of good has come from drugs. I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids. Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album, so it evens out. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 The reason I love my dog so much is because when I come home, he's the only one in the world who treats me like I'm The Beatles. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 The cable TV sex channels don't expand our horizons, don't make us better people and don't come in clearly enough. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 According as the man is, so must you humour him. 
Author: Jean Racine
Nationality: French
b. 22 December 1639  - d. 21 April 1699
  
 Because of Mozart, it's all over after the age of seven. 
Author: Wendy Wasserstein
Nationality: American
b. 18 October 1950  - d. 30 January 2006
  
 Being a grownup means assuming responsibility for yourself, for your children, and - here's the big curve - for your parents. 
Author: Wendy Wasserstein
Nationality: American
b. 18 October 1950  - d. 30 January 2006
  
 The real reason for comedy is to hide the pain.  
Author: Wendy Wasserstein
Nationality: American
b. 18 October 1950  - d. 30 January 2006
  
 I have often been downcast, but never in despair; I regard our hiding as a dangerous adventure, romantic and interesting at the same time. In my diary I treat all the privations as amusing. I have made up my mind now to lead a different life from other girls and, later on, different from ordinary housewives. My start has been so very full of interest, and that is the sole reason why I have to laugh at the humorous side of the most dangerous moments. 
Author: Anne Frank
Nationality: German
b. 12 June 1929  - d.  March 1945
  
 Women, as they grow older, rely more and more on cosmetics. Men, as they grow older, rely more and more on a sense of humor. 
Author: George Jean Nathan
Nationality: American
b. 14 February 1882  - d. 8 April 1958
  
 I was a modest, good-humoured boy. It is Oxford that has made me insufferable. 
Author: Sir Max Beerbohm
Nationality: English
b. 24 August 1872  - d. 20 May 1956
  
 A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke? 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with? 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?  
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 The time you spend grieving over a man should never exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Special Prosecutor Patrick Fitzgerald has informed my attorneys that, after two and one-half years, his investigation of the CIA leak case concerning matters directly relating to me has been concluded. That frees me to reveal my role in the federal inquiry that, at the request of Fitzgerald, I have kept secret. I have cooperated in the investigation while trying to protect journalistic privileges under the First Amendment and shield sources who have not revealed themselves. I have been subpoenaed by and testified to a federal grand jury. Published reports that I took the Fifth Amendment, made a plea bargain with the prosecutors or was a prosecutorial target were all untrue. 
Author: Robert Novak
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1930
  
 Hugh Laurie: So lets talk instead about flexibility of language - erm, linguistic elasticity, if you'd like. Stephen Fry:: Yes, I think that I've said earlier that our language, English - L: As spoken by us. F: As we speak it, yes, certainly-, defines it. We are defined by our language, if you will. L (to screen): Hello. We're talking about language. F: Perhaps I can illustrate my point. Let me at least try. Here is a question: (hun...) L: What is it? F: Oh! Hun...my question is this: is our language - English - capable... is English capable of sustaining demagoguery? L: Demagoguery? F: Demagoguery. L: And by "demagoguery" you mean... F: By "demagoguery" I mean demagoguery... L: I thought so. F: I mean highly charged oratory persuasive whipping-up rhetoric. Listen to me, listen to me. If Hitler had been British, would we, under similar circumstances, have been moved, charged up, fired up by his inflammatory speeches or would we simply have laughed? Is English too ironic to sustain Hitlerian styles? Would his language simply have rung false in our ears? L (to screen): We are talking about things ringing false in our ears. F: May I compartmentalize - I hate to, but may I, may I: is our language a function of our British cynicism, tolerance, resistance to false emotion, humour and so on, or do those qualities come extrinsically - extrinsically] - from the language itself? It's a chicken and egg problem. L (to screen): We're talking about chickens, we're talking about eggs. F: Hun...let me start a leveret here: There's language and there's speech. Erm, there's chess and there's a game of chess. Mark the difference for me. Mark it please. L (to screen): We've moved on to chess. F: Imagine a piano keyboard, eh, 88 keys, only 88 and yet, and yet, hundreds of new melodies, new tunes, new harmonies are being composed by hundreds of different keyboards every day in Dorset alone. Our language, tiger, our language: hundreds of thousands of available words, trillions of legitimate new ideas, so that I can say the following sentence and be utterly sure that nobody has ever said it before in the history of human communication: "Hold the newsreader's nose squarely, waiter, or friendly milk will countermand my trousers." Perfectly ordinary words, but never before put in that precise order. A unique child delivered of a unique mother. L (to screen): ... F: And yet, oh, and yet, we, all of us, spend all our days saying to each other the same things time after weary time: "I love you", "Don't go in there", "Get out", "You have no right to say that", "Stop it, "Why should I", "That hurt", "Help", "Marjorie is dead". Hmn?. Surely, it's a thought to take out for cream tea on a rainy Sunday afternoon. L: So, to you, language is more than just a means of communication? F: Oh, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is, of course it is. Language is my mother, my father, my husband, my brother, my sister, my whore, my mistress, my check-out girl... language is a complimentary moist lemon-scented cleansing square or handy freshen-up wipette. Language is the breath of God. Language is the dew on a fresh apple, it's the soft rain of dust that falls into a shaft of morning light as you pluck from a old bookshelf a half-forgotten book of erotic memoirs. Language is the creak on a stair, it's a spluttering match held to a frosted pane, it's a half-remembered childhood birthday party, it's the warm, wet, trusting touch of a leaking nappy, the hulk of a charred Panzer, the underside of a granite boulder, the first downy growth on the upper lip of a Mediterranean girl. It's cobwebs long since overrun by an old Wellington boot. L (to screen): Night-night. 
T.V. Series: Fry and Laurie
Nationality: British   
 The road to hell is paved with works-in-progress. 
Author: Philip Milton Roth
Nationality: American
b. 19 March 1933
  
 Perhaps he would never have dared to raise his eyes, but that, though the piping was now hushed, the call and the summons seemed still dominant and imperious. He might not refuse, were Death himself waiting to strike him instantly, once he had looked with mortal eye on things rightly kept hidden. Trembling he obeyed, and raised his humble head; and then, in that utter clearness of the imminent dawn, while Nature, flushed with fullness of incredible colour, seemed to hold her breath for the event, he looked in the very eyes of the Friend and Helper; saw the backward sweep of the curved horns, gleaming in the growing daylight; saw the stern, hooked nose between the kindly eyes that were looking down on them humourously, while the bearded mouth broke into a half-smile at the corners; saw the rippling muscles on the arm that lay across the broad chest, the long supple hand still holding the pan-pipes only just fallen away from the parted lips; saw the splendid curves of the shaggy limbs disposed in majestic ease on the sward; saw, last of all, nestling between his very hooves, sleeping soundly in entire peace and contentment, the little, round, podgy, childish form of the baby otter. All this he saw, for one moment breathless and intense, vivid on the morning sky; and still, as he looked, he lived; and still, as he lived, he wondered. 
Author: Kenneth Graham
Nationality: Scottish
b. 20 July 1859  - d. 6 July 1932
  
 There are two insults no human will endure. The assertion that he has no sense of humor and the doubly impertinent assertion that he has never known trouble. 
Author: Sinclair Lewis
Nationality: American
b. 7 February 1885  - d. 10 January 1951
  
 The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual. 
Author: Walt Disney
Nationality: American
b. 5 December 1901  - d. 15 December 1966
  
 Children are people, and they should have to reach to learn about things, to understand things, just as adults have to reach if they want to grow in mental stature. Life is composed of lights and shadows, and we would be untruthful, insincere, and saccharine if we tried to pretend there were no shadows. Most things are good, and they are the strongest things; but there are evil things too, and you are not doing a child a favor by trying to shield him from reality. The important thing is to teach a child that good can always triumph over evil, and that is what our pictures attempt to do.The American child is a highly intelligent human being - characteristically sensitive, humorous, open-minded, eager to learn, and has a strong sense of excitement, energy, and healthy curiosity about the world in which he lives. Lucky indeed is the grown-up who manages to carry these same characteristics into adult life. It usually makes for a happy and successful individual. 
Author: Walt Disney
Nationality: American
b. 5 December 1901  - d. 15 December 1966
  
 Childishness? I think it's the equivalent of never losing your sense of humor. I mean, there's a certain something that you retain. It's the equivalent of not getting so stuffy that you can't laugh at others. 
Author: Walt Disney
Nationality: American
b. 5 December 1901  - d. 15 December 1966
  
 I always like to look on the optimistic side of life, but I am realistic enough to know that life is a complex matter. With the laugh comes the tears and in developing motion pictures or television shows, you must combine all the facts of life - drama, pathos and humor. 
Author: Walt Disney
Nationality: American
b. 5 December 1901  - d. 15 December 1966
  
 I imagine hell like this: Italian punctuality, German humour and English wine. 
Author: Peter Ustinov
Nationality: English
b. 16 April 1921  - d. 28 March 2004
  
 Humour is by far the most significant activity of the human brain. 
Author: Edward de Bono
Nationality: Maltese
b. 19 May 1933
  
 Humor is such a wonderful thing, helping you realize what a fool you are but how beautiful that is at the same time. 
Author: Lynda Barry
Nationality: American
b. 2 January 1956
  
 If I didn't try to eavesdrop on every bus ride I take or look for the humor when I go for a walk, I would just be depressed all the time. 
Author: Lynda Barry
Nationality: American
b. 2 January 1956
  
 A little humour goes a long way. Johnny Carson said it's the number one aphrodisiac, so I must be very sexy. 
Author: Jack Black
Nationality: American
b. 28 August 1969
  
 Where there's a will - there's a relative! 
Author: Ricky Dene Gervais
Nationality: English
b. 25 July 1961
  
 Why buy a book when you can join a library. 
Author: Ricky Dene Gervais
Nationality: English
b. 25 July 1961
  
 I told the Inland Revenue I didn't owe them a penny because I lived near the seaside. 
Author: Ken Arthur Dodd
Nationality: English
b. December 1927
  
 Goodnight Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are.  
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Inka dinka doo, a dinka dee, A dinka doo. Oh, what a tune for crooning. Inka dinka doo, a dinka dee A dinka doo. It's got the whole world spooning. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Everybody wants ta get inta da act! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Hotch-cha-cha-cha-cha! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 I don't know where it's going, but I'm sticking with it! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 I'd go home and cry. I made up my mind never to hurt anybody else, no matter what. I never made jokes about anybody's big ears, crossed eyes, or their stuttering. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Stop 'da music! Stop 'da music!! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 It's-a-castastrophe! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Politics is developing more comedians than radio ever did. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Surrounded by assassins! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 The bathroom is out of this world...which makes it a little inconvenient. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 When I got through with him, he was all covered wit' blood - my blood. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 When it comes to noses, you're a retailer. I'm a wholesaler! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 You know, last night, I was telling Umbriago about my latest composition, called "Tony's Pushcart". He said, "'Tony's Pushcart'"? How does that go?" I said, "It doesn't go, you hafta push it!" 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 What a revoltin' duh-velopmin dis is! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Dat note was given to me by Bing Crosby, an' boy, was he glad ta get rid of it! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 I gotta million of 'em, a million of 'em! 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 So I went to Hoboken to forget it and then I went to Hackensack to forget Hoboken. 
Author: Jimmy Durante
Nationality: American
b. 10 February 1893  - d. 29 January 1980
  
 Complete courage and absolute cowardice are extremes that very few men fall into. The vast middle space contains all the intermediate kinds and degrees of courage; and these differ as much from one another as men's faces or their humors do. 
Author: François de La Rochefoucauld
Nationality: French
b. 15 September 1613  - d. 17 March 1680
  
 There is hope, but not for us. 
Author: Franz Kafka
Nationality: Austrian
b. 03 July 1883  - d. 03 June 1924
  
 Outside every thin girl is a fat man, trying to get in. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 The trouble with so many born-again people is that you wish they hadn't been born the first time. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 When it comes to housework the one thing no book of household management can ever tell you is how to begin. Or maybe I mean why. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 I am all for people having their heart in the right place; but the right place for a heart is not inside the head. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 I am firm. You are obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 The best careers advice to give to the young is 'Find out what you like doing best and get someone to pay you for doing it. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 Hats divide generally into three classes: offensive hats, defensive hats, and shrapnel. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 Americans, indeed, often seem to be so overwhelmed by their children that they'll do anything for them except stay married to the co-producer. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 An office party is not, as is sometimes supposed, the Managing Director's chance to kiss the tea-girl. It is the tea-girl's chance to kiss the Managing Director - however bizarre an ambition this may seem to anyone who has seen the Managing Director face on. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 Bringing down the mighty from their seats is an agreeable and necessary pastime, but no one supposes that the mighty, having struggled so hard to get seated, will enjoy the dethronement. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 Men have four legs: food, food, sex and food. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 A good listener is not someone with nothing to say. A good listener is a good talker with a sore throat. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 The easiest way for your children to learn about money is for you not to have any. 
Author: Katharine Elizabeth Whitehorn
Nationality: British
b. December 1928
  
 A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Before I speak, I have something important to say. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Go, and never darken my towels again. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Humor is reason gone mad. 
Author: Groucho Marx
Nationality: American
b. 2 October 1890  - d. 19 July 1977
  
 Yet many human beings, resigned to sensuality and indolence, un-instructed and unimproved, have passed through life like travellers in a strange country. 
Author: Sallust
Nationality: Roman
b. December 86  - d.  December 34
  
 The Farmer will never be happy again; He carries his heart in his boots; For either the rain is destroying his grain Or the drought is destroying his roots. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 There's alcohol in plant and tree. It must be Nature's plan That there should be in fair degree Some alcohol in Man. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 It cannot be too clearly understood that this is not a free country, and it will be an evil day for the legal profession when it is. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 The critical period in matrimony is breakfast-time. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 Justice should be cheap but judges expensive. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 The whole Constitution has been erected upon the assumption that the King not only is capable of doing wrong but is more likely to do wrong than other men if he is given the chance. 
Author: Sir Alan Patrick Herbert
Nationality: English
b. 24 September 1890  - d. 11 November 1971
  
 Laughter is carbonated holiness. 
Author: Anne Lamott
Nationality: American
b. 10 April 1954
  
 You can safely assume that you've created God in your own image when it turns out that God hates all the same people you do. 
Author: Anne Lamott
Nationality: American
b. 10 April 1954
  
 Suzanne intimidates me all my life, Even though she refuses to become my wife, She makes me cower in fear you see, Because she believes in French supremacy. 
Author: Greg Olson-Hyde
Nationality: Australian
b. 29 June 1949
  
 Frazier is so ugly that he should donate his face to the US Bureau of Wildlife. 
Author: Muhammad Ali
Nationality: American
b. 17 January 1942
  
 It's just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up. 
Author: Muhammad Ali
Nationality: American
b. 17 January 1942
  
 We did long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we decided to buy a dog. Cheaper, and… get more feet. 
Author: Rita Rudner
Nationality: American
b. 17 September 1956
  
 Like a bloke puts on makeup and heels and goes out looking for a fight. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 I don't think I'm naturally brilliant at anything. But I can get reasonably good at things if I work at them. I couldn't do comedy, and then I did four Wembleys. With the dramatic work, I know if I keep pushing and pushing, I'll get it. 
Author: Eddie Izzard
Nationality: British
b. 7 February 1962
  
 If women are so bloody perfect at multi-tasking, how come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time. 
Author: Billy Connolly
Nationality: Scottish
b. 24 November 1942
  
 After marriage, a husband and wife become two sides of a coin: they just can't face each other, but still they stay together. 
Author: Sacha Guitry
Nationality: French
b. 21 February 1885  - d. 24 July 1957
  
 I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me. 
Author: Sigmund Freud
Nationality: Austrian
b. 6 May 1856  - d. 23 September 1939
  
 Question: "Have you got any kids?" Angus Young: "My wife says I'm the only one"  
Collaboration: AC/DC
Nationality: Austrian   
 A writer who presents men and women as creatures truncated below the waist is exposed as one who goes about without his trousers saying, 'see, I have had my testicles removed. 
Author: Norman Lindsay
Nationality: Australian
b. 22 February 1879  - d. 21 November 1969
  
 I get my exercise acting as pallbearer to my friends who exercise. 
Author: Chauncey Mitchell Depew
Nationality: American
b. 23 April 1834  - d. 05 April 1928
  
 Upon being offered work as a barman on a "graveyard shift," he remarks, “A bar in a cemetery! What a country! Last call? During Happy Hour the place must be dead. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 At the grocery store after finding "New Freedom" Maxi Pads: Freedom in a box! What a country! 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me 'How many in your party?' and I said 'Six hundred million' 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 In America, you catch a cold. In Russia, cold catches you. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 We have no gay people in Russia - there are homosexuals but they are not allowed to be gay about it. The punishment is seven years locked in prison with other men and there is a three-year waiting list for that. 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 You have such nice things in the U.S. - like warning shots! 
Author: Yakov Smirnoff
Nationality: American
b. 24 January 1951
  
 If money does not make you happy; give it back. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 Dying serves no purpose so die now. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 The horse is the only animal into which one can bang nails. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 I find when I do not think of myself I do not think at all. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 The only man who is really free is the one who can turn down an invitation to dinner without giving an excuse. 
Author: Jules Renard
Nationality: French
b. 22 February 1864  - d. 22 May 1910
  
 This thing is as tight as the rusted lugnuts on a '55 Ford. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 Clinton is off to a start, rolling like a big wheel through a Georgia cotton field." 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 This race is tight like a too-small bathing suit on a too-long ride home from the beach. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 He swept through the South like a tornado through a trailer park. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 Don't bet the trailer money on it yet. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 His chances are slim to none right now, and if he doesn't carry Florida, Slim will have left town. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 You would sooner find a tall talking broccoli stick to offer to mow your lawn for free. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 Turn the lights down, the party just got wilder. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 It's cardiac-arrest time in this presidential campaign. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 It's about as complicated as a wiring diagram to some dynamo. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 This election swings like one of those pendulum things. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 This will show you how tight it is - it's spandex tight. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 Al Gore has his back to the wall, shirt tails on fire with this race in Florida. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 Smelling salts for all Democrats please. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 She didn't go to school just to eat her lunch. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 There's an old saying that you should marry a girl from Texas because no matter how tough things get, she's tougher. 
Author: Dan Rather
Nationality: American
b. 31 October 1931
  
 A funny old bird is a pelican. His beak can hold more than his bellican. Food for a week He can hold in his beak, But I don't know how the hellican. 
Author: Dixon Lanier Merritt
Nationality: American
b. December 1879  - d.  December 1972
  
 Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to believe. 
Author: Dr. Laurence J. Peter
Nationality: Canadian
b. 16 September 1919  - d. 12 February 1990
  
 Asked if there was anything she wanted to do that she had not yet done? I just want to live long enough to see how it all turns out. 
Author: Adela Rogers St. John
Nationality: American
b. 20 May 1894  - d. 10 August 1988
  
 Rumored to have had Clark Gable's baby, St. Johns replied - Well who wouldn't have wanted to have Clark Gables baby. 
Author: Adela Rogers St. John
Nationality: American
b. 20 May 1894  - d. 10 August 1988
  
 OLD CARY GRANT FINE HOW YOU 
Author: Cary Grant
Nationality: American
b. 18 January 1904  - d. 29 November 1986
  
 Anybody can direct, but there are only eleven good writers. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Bad taste is simply saying the truth before it should be said. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Every human being has hundreds of separate people living under his skin. The talent of a writer is his ability to give them their separate names, identities, personalities and have them relate to other characters living with him. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Humor is just another defense against the universe. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 I don't believe in this business of being behind, better to be in front. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 I only direct in self-defense. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 I'm the only Jew that's made a nickel off of Hitler! 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Lady, it rose below vulgarity. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 If God wanted us to fly, He would have given us tickets. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Look, I really don't want to wax philosophic, but I will say that if you're alive, you got to flap your arms and legs, you got to jump around a lot, you got to make a lot of noise, because life is the very opposite of death. And therefore, as I see it, if you're quiet, you're not living. You've got to be noisy, or at least your thoughts should be noisy and colorful and lively. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Who's the dummy writing this show?!?! 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 You're always a little disappointing in person because you can't be the edited essence of yourself. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Wit is sharper than the sharpest dagger. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Good comedy is never frivolous. It’s based on human experience, on human adventure, on human feelings. So it has to be profound. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 You could never give your mother as much as she gave you. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 The iron test is: Do you laugh? If you laugh, you know they’re gonna laugh. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 It’s not like I’ve got these lines in a trunk that are waiting to come out in the next show. But when I’m writing a song that references body organs, you can bet genitalia will be at the top of my list. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Funny depends on coincidental circumstances. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Risk means guessing at the outcome, but never second-guessing.  
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Why should I indulge myself and do a David Lean-ish kind of film? I could do my little Jewish Brief Encounter and disguise it - shorten the noses. But it wouldn't be as much fun as delivering my dish of insanity.  
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Critics can't even make music by rubbing their back legs together. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Oh, I'm not a true genius. I'm a near genius. I would say I'm a short genius. I'd rather be tall and normal than a short genius. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 You're young forever when you write. Alfred Hitchcock directed until the day he died. As long as you don't have any dementia or Alzheimer's, if you have your All-Bran every day and clear yourself out, I think your brains are gonna be all right. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 My rule was not to eat with actors, but I enjoyed him so much that I begged him to eat with me. 
Author: Mel Brooks
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1926
  
 Most of my news, I get from the radio news stations. One of the stations' advertising lines is "Give us 22 minutes, we’ll give you the world." In 22 minutes, they just have time for the headlines, so they can only really tell you what happened - which, by the way, is the news. They tell you how many people were killed in Iraq today, but they don’t then bring on some Republican senator to explain to you how that’s good. Or, on the contrary, they don’t bring in a bunch of Democrats to tell you why it’s bad. They just tell you what happened. That’s the news. I am capable of analyzing my own news. What makes these people qualified to analyze my news for me? No matter what side they’re on, I never agree with them. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 I doubt there’s ever been a true thing said on Fox. Maybe the weather report, maybe not. 
Author: Fran Lebowitz
Nationality: American
b. 27 October 1950
  
 I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.  
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Talking with Gary Busey is kinda like sex. You want to do it, you just don't want to be alone when you do it. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 People always ask me, "Did you see Larry's latest movie?" I always say, "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I've seen it. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Country music is about new love and it's about old love. It's about gettin' drunk and gettin' sober. It's about leavin' and it's about comin' home. It's real music sung by real people for real people, the people that make up the backbone of this country. You can call us rednecks if you want. We're not offended, 'cause we know what we're all about. We get up and go to work, we get up and go to church, and we get up and go to war when necessary. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt? You put on something from the cleaners, they'll spit up just like that. My wardrobe looks like we have condors living in our yard. And if you play with 'em too hard, they'll spew like a can of beer. I like to shake my daughter up, then hand her to people I don't like. "Hold her just a minute, would you?" 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn. You wanna put a penny in a light socket? Try that out. OHH! Hurt like hell, didn't it? Don't do that no more. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 My mom thinks my new daughter is exceptionally bright, because now she will lie on the floor and talk to the ceiling fan. I said, "Mom, Uncle Harold does that and y'all call him an alcoholic. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Whatever cleaning goes on on the planet, women do 99% of it. But see, women are not as proud of their 99% as men are of our one! We clean something up, we're gonna talk about it all year long. It might be on the news, you don't know. A woman could be out re-paving the driveway. Men actually have enough gall to walk out onto the porch and go "Hey baby? Man, it's hot as hell out here! Look, don't worry about emptyin' that ashtray in the den, I done got it, all right? Did it for you, sweet pea. I'm gonna take a nap now. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Hell, when I was in high school, a "drive-by shooting" meant somebody had their rear end hanging out a car window! 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, "You know what? We're all right. We're dang near royalty 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 You know you're in trouble when at the control tower, there's a note taped to the door that says "Back in five minutes. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 On life's list of fun things to do, visiting my in-laws comes in somewhere below sitting in a tub full of scissors. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 On why criminals rob nice-looking houses - Because criminals know that when they see a house with 2 foot tall grass, a dog on a chain, and an engine hanging from a tree, a gun lives in that house. And if you want to know what kind, just break in at 2 in the morning. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 You break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Men like beer and something naked. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 A few weeks ago, sitting in traffic - bumper-to-bumper traffic in Atlanta - the car in front of me has got a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you love Jesus". I toot the horn a couple times, and the guy flipped me off. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 To his wife - You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have "testiculars"! 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 If you can't remember the last time you had sex with a woman, you're either gay, or married. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 If you've ever been antique shopping during a big football game, you're either gay, or married. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Do you know why it's so hard to solve a Redneck murder? 'Cause there's no dental records and all the DNA is the same. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 I've said before that working with Larry is kind of like watching the Jerry Springer Show. After about five minutes, you will feel better about your own family. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot! 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 About rental car employees who ask if he wants the additional insurance: I say "Yes, I would. 'Cause you've got a Ford Fiesta that's about to see more airtime than a skateboard at the X-Games. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 About a clerk, after recounting a story he read in which someone presented a store clerk with a million dollar bill and asked for change: She goes "I'll bet it was a counterfeit million dollar bill." Kinda like your high school diploma, huh?. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 It's not my dreams that get me in trouble, it's what my wife dreams I did. My wife punched me in the middle of the night; I woke up and went "Oww! What was that for?", and she goes "I dreamt you were making out with Faith Hill." I said "I wasn't dreaming anything! Send her over to my dreams, and we'll both be happy." 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers. I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that! 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 About his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys: When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child. 
Author: Jeff Foxworthy
Nationality: American
b. 06 September 1958
  
 Catchphrase - Thanks. Said at the beginning of every show in response to the audience cheering and clapping. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me, and I didn't hear a thing. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 When I first read the dictionary, I thought it was a long poem about everything. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I wish the first word I ever said was the word "quote," so right before I die I could say "unquote." 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 Lots of my friends have babies, but I don't have any babies. But I have lots of friends; babies don't have any friends. They all have those baby-monitors so they can hear the baby from the other room, which I consider a form of wiretapping. One day there's gonna be a really smart baby who makes a fake recording of some fake baby noises...gonna crawl out of the window and go to Italy. I need one of those baby-monitors for my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about. Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with, just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 They say you're not supposed put metal in a microwave oven. They're right. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. It's a start. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing. 
Author: Steven Alexander Wright
Nationality: American
b. 6 December 1955
  
 It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea. It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles. It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself." 
Author: Johnny Carson
Nationality: American
b. 23 October 1925  - d. 23 January 2005
  
 I did not know that. 
Author: Johnny Carson
Nationality: American
b. 23 October 1925  - d. 23 January 2005
  
 The prevailin' weakness of most public men is to Slop over. G. Washington never slopt over. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I can't sing. As a singist I am not a success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those who hear me. They are sadder even than I am. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 The Puritans nobly fled from a land of despotism to a land of freedim, where they could not only enjoy their own religion, but could prevent everybody else from enjoyin his. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 They cherish his mem'ry, and them as sell picturs of his birthplace, etc., make it prof'tible cherishin' it. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 I now bid you a welcome adoo. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 Their eyes sparkled like diminds, their cheeks was like roses, and they was charmin enuff to make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 The fack can't be no longer disgised that a Krysis is onto us. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 N.B. This is rote sarcastikul. 
Author: Artemus Ward
Nationality: American
b. 26 April 1834  - d. 06 March 1867
  
 In my next life I want to live backwards. You start out dead and get that out of the way. Then you wake up in an old people's home feeling better every day. You get kicked out for being too healthy, Go collect your pension, and then when you start work, You get a gold watch and a party on your first day. You work for 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You then go to primary school, you become a kid, you play. You have no responsibilities, you become a baby until you are born. And then you spend your last 9 months floating in luxuirious spa like conditions with central heating and room service on tap, larger quarters every day and, Voila! You finish off as an orgasm! 
Author: Woody Allen
Nationality: American
b. 1 December 1935
  
 I'd much rather be a woman than a man. Women can cry, they can wear cute clothes, and they're the first to be rescued off sinking ships. 
Author: Gilda Radner
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1946  - d. 20 May 1989
  
 Adopted kids are such a pain - you have to teach them how to look like you. 
Author: Gilda Radner
Nationality: American
b. 28 June 1946  - d. 20 May 1989
  
 Always do whatever's next.  
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?  
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.  
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 When someone is impatient and says, "I haven't got all day," I always wonder, How can that be? How can you not have all day?  
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 When you step on the brakes your life is in your foot's hands. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 When you're born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 If we could just find out who's in charge, we could kill him. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 This is a lttle prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight's last gleaming. Amen and Awomen. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Jesus was a cross dresser. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 Trillions and trillions of prayers every day asking and begging and pleading for favors. 'Do this' 'Gimme that' 'I want a new car' 'I want a better job'. And most of this praying takes place on Sunday. And I say fine, pray for anything you want. Pray for anything. But...what about the divine plan? Remember that? The divine plan. Long time ago god made a divine plan. Gave it a lot of thought. Decided it was a good plan. Put it into practice. And for billion and billions of years the divine plan has been doing just fine. Now you come along and pray for something. Well, suppose the thing you want isn't in god's divine plan. What do you want him to do? Change his plan? Just for you? Doesn't it seem a little arrogant? It's a divine plan. What's the use of being god if every run-down schmuck with a two dollar prayer book can come along and fuck up your plan? And here's something else, another problem you might have; suppose your prayers aren't answered. What do you say? 'Well it's god's will. God's will be done.' Fine, but if it's gods will and he's going to do whatever he wants to anyway; why the fuck bother praying in the first place? Seems like a big waste of time to me. Couldn't you just skip the praying part and get right to his will? 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Ok. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. Doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that god was having trouble with. For years I asked god to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that cock-sucker out with one visit. 
Author: George Carlin
Nationality: American
b. 12 May 1937  - d. 22 June 2008
  
 I remember one day I was coming home from kindergarten I - well, I thought it was kindergarten, it turned out later I'd been working in a factory for two years... I was wondering 'cause it was always really hot and everyone was older than me, but, um, what did I know? 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I think the hard thing about this job - I mean, I think this part is great — but that the traveling is y'know, 'cause - 'cause I'm gone a lot from home and this time I'm out for three-and-a-half weeks without going home, and that's hard, to be gone three-and-a-half weeks 'cause then I have to ask my friends, "Would you mind going to the house and watering the plants, and turn some lights on and make it look like somebody's home, and make sure that the mobile over the crib isn't tangled or the baby's gonna get bored..." 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 Don't you hate when people are late to work. And they always have the worst excuses. "Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, traffic." "Traffic, huh? How do you think I got here; helicoptered in!?" 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I'm a - I'm a, um, a godmother which is just, that's fun to be a godmother, she is so precious, she's the light of my life, she's two... or five or something, and she's, uh... I don't know, I've never seen her - the pictures are precious, she just seems so, y'know... She lives clear across town, I don't have that kind of time, but, um... Well, I send money and stuff, it's not like I don't have a connection.... 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I don't want to get the same looks I give people when they get on a plane holding a baby: "That's a cute baby, just keep walking, keep walking, keep going, keep going...." 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 If we don't want to define ourselves by things as superficial as our appearances, we're stuck with the revolting alternative of being judged by our actions, by what we do. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 We're told to go on living our lives as usual, because to do otherwise is to let the terrorists win, and really, what would upset the Taliban more than a gay woman wearing a suit in front of a room full of Jews? 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 Yes, we're lazy. Yet we also can't seem to sit still. So we've started making things like GO-GURT. That's yogurt for people on the go. Let me ask you, was there a big mobility problem with yogurt before? How time-consuming was it, really? [Pretending to be on the phone: "Hello?...Oh, hi, Tom...oh, I've been dying to see that movie...Umm, no...I just opened up some yogurt...Yeah, I'm in for the night...No, not even later-it's the kind with fruit on the bottom. Well, have fun. Thanks anyway." 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 Now we have hands-free phones, so you can focus on the thing you're really supposed to be doing ... chances are, if you need both of your hands to do something, your brain should be in on it too. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I have a terrible problem with procrastination... a friend told me, "Well, you should go to therapy. And I thought about it, but then I said, "Wait a minute. Why should I pay a stranger to listen to me talk when I can get strangers to pay to listen to me talk?" And that's when I got the idea of touring. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 With all of our differences, we [members of the audience] all have one thing in common, we’re all gay. Now there are people out there [in audience] going “Do they think we’re gay because we’re here? Do we look gay? I told you this would happen. We’re not going to understand a word of this.” Seriously, though, if you're here you're probably gay. I mean, you have tendencies, you've thought about it. Now there are people [in audience] going “I have thought about it. Does that mean I'm gay? I'm not gay. Is that how they get us?” 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 What could be going so wrong that they need to check on you that often....'My bra's in my ass!!'....'Rachel' (mouths pointing to her ass 'My bra's in my ass' and again 'My bra's in my ass' shakes head no and air spells out A-S-S and then motions her to come here). I'd like to see how far they'd go to help you when you tell them your bra's in your ass.' 'Oh my, it's in the ass...do you need a different size or color? I don't know what to do about the bra in the ass. I'll get the manager, I don't know. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 They say you just stand over there, he'll say thank you and you walk back off and that's what I thought was gonna happen, but in my head, I had for five or six years known that he was gonna call me over. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 You have to have funny faces and words, you can't just have words. It is a powerful thing, and I think that's why it's hard for people to imagine that women can do that, be that powerful. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 What Ellen DeGeneres Knows for Sure - She Thinks 1. My home address. But I'm not printing it here. Nice try, Oprah. 2. I know that "personality can open doors, but only character can keep them open." And I know that for sure because I read it on the sign at the dry cleaner's. 3. I forgot what number 3 is. 4. Sometimes I forget things. 5. I'm sure I'm good at making lists. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I knew if I came out, there was a possibility I would lose my career. But I didn't do it for my career, I did it for me to live my truth. I thought, 'I don't want to live and have any shame whatsoever.' I should be proud of who I am, and I don't care if people approve or not. It is who I am.' 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I think I'm healthier than I've ever been. I'm happier than I've ever been. I'm more myself. I can't stress that enough. I think kindness is the key to yourself and to other people. ... I think I found out who I was, and I think I really try to be a better person every single day. And Portia makes me better. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I just like observing people - it`s something I`ve done ever since I was a kid, and I got really good at it. That's a big part of why I became a comedian. My audience is filled with every kind of person you can imagine, and I love that. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I think one of the turning points in my life came a few years ago. I started going to sleep at night just talking to myself, saying, "You're perfect just the way you are," because I used to beat myself up about weight and working out, and no matter what I did I never felt good about myself. I decided to accept myself and know that I am good. Just those affirmations every night changed my belief in who I was because I had been told for so long, over and over, that I was something else. That brings us to another agreement: Don't make assumptions - because we assume that when people do something or say something to you, they mean just what we think they mean. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I wish that I wasn't seen differently. I wish that people looked at me and just saw that I was a good person with a good heart. And that wants to make people laugh. And that's who I am. I also happen to be gay. And I would love to have the same rights as everybody else. I would love, I don't care if it's called marriage. I don't care if it's called, you know, domestic partnership. I don't care what it's called. I mean, there are couples that have been together, 30 years, 40 years. And all of a sudden, they lose their house, you know, the taxes kill them, because it's different because they're not married. Everything is taken away, just because. You know, with Sept. 11, there are a lot of people that lost their partner and didn't get the same benefits. It's not fair. And at the same time I know there are people watching right now saying, you know, it's sick it's wrong, it's this. And it's like, I can't convince them that I'm not sick or wrong, that there's nothing wrong with me. You know, I can live my life and hope that things change, and hope that we're protected as any other couple. 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 My name is Ellen and I'm a vegetarian. Just to add another label to me : I am a lesbian, aquarian and vegetarian . I've said it... 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I love animals ...well not in that way...but I love animals and I watch Discovery Channel , I watch Animal Planet . That crocodile guy is insane , isn't he? Whew...that almost got me ...He holds it in front of his eye , what is he expecting? You learn fascinating things watching that , I'm always amazed of all the animals . I mean... penguins ...I like animals that are monogamous...to me that's an amazing thing . Penguins are monogamous , they mate for life , which doesn't surprise me that much because they look exactly alike. It's not that they're gonna meet a better-looking penguin someday , you know...Even if they were cheating , how would they know? 'Is that me? That looks like me ...I think that's me she's with . I love her.' 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I means animals are incredible , nature is amazing . Caterpillars: they spend half of their lives as a caterpillar and they turn into a butterfly for the second part of thei life, they become a whole different thing , that is just incredible . You name one person that can do that , that can transform in that way, besides Cher, and I will be ...amazed. I get a lot of people quoting the Bible , specifically to me , which I don't know why , but a lot of people quote the Bible to me. And a lot of people evidently are praying for me and I thank you for that . Extra prayers for me. Thank you. I would like those people to start praying for the animals, because I think the animals need all the prayers that they can get, and I think God would agree. I would like to quote something , I actually like some of the things in the Bible myself . I would like to quote Thou shall not kill and it doesn't say in fine print 'except for the animals ', it just says Thou shall not kill . And how about Do unto others as you would have them do unto you ? How about that ? Thank you very much ! 
Author: Ellen de Generes
Nationality: American
b. 26 January 1958
  
 I have only ever read one book in my life, and that is White Fang. It's so frightfully good I've never bothered to read another. 
Author: Nancy Mitford
Nationality: British
b. December 1904  - d.  December 1973
  
 Everything I do and say and the way I do and say it annoys me. 
Author: William Frank Buckley Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 24 November 1925  - d. 27 February 2008
  
 Exhilaration is that feeling you get just after a great idea hits you, and just before you realize what's wrong with it. 
Author: Sir Rex Harrison
Nationality: English
b. 05 March 1908  - d. 02 June 1990
  
 I'm at the age where I've got to prove that I'm just as good as I never was. 
Author: Sir Rex Harrison
Nationality: English
b. 05 March 1908  - d. 02 June 1990
  
 Robert Morley is a legend in his own lunchtime. 
Author: Sir Rex Harrison
Nationality: English
b. 05 March 1908  - d. 02 June 1990
  
 Claiming the more exotic St. Petersburg, Russia as his birthplace: I shall be born when and where I want, and I do not choose to be born in Lowell. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 I hope, dear father, you will not object to my choice. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 General upheaval!! I had to empty my house and purify it from cellar to eaves. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 I say I can’t thank you too much for the name ‘Nocturne’ as a title for my moonlights! You have no idea what an irritation it proves to the critics and consequent pleasure to me -besides it is really so charming and does so poetically say all that I want to say and no more than I wish! 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Whistler to Liverpool shipping magnate Frederick Leyland: Ah, I have made you famous. My work will live when you are forgotten. Still, per chance, in the dim ages to come you will be remembered as the proprietor of the Peacock Room. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 It is the most debased style of criticism I have had thrown at me yet. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 John Ruskin: "The labour of two days is that for which you ask two hundred guineas?" Whistler: "No. I ask it for the knowledge I have gained in the work of a lifetime." 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Two and two continue to make four, in spite of the whine of the amateur for three, or the cry of the critic for five. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 In response to a lady who said that a landscape reminded her of his work: Yes, madam, Nature is creeping up. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 A group from Glasgow sought in 1891 to purchase his portrait of Thomas Carlyle was shocked that Whistler's price was 1000 guineas. A spokesman countered that the portrait was not even life size. Whistler replied, "But, you know, few men are life size." 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 May I therefore acknowledge the tender glow of health induced by reading, as I sat here in the morning sun, the flattering attention paid me by your gentleman of ready wreath and quick biography! 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Art is a goddess of dainty thought,reticent of habit,abjuring all obthisiveness,purposing in no way to better others.She is ,withal selfishly occupied with her own perfection only- having no desire to teach. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Art is upon the Town! 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Listen! There was never an artistic period. There was never an art-loving nation. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Nature is usually wrong. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 The rare few, who, early in life, have rid themselves of the friendship of the many. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 To say of a picture, as is often said in its praise, that it shows great and earnest labor, is to say that it is incomplete and unfit for view. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Industry in art is a necessity - not a virtue - and any evidence of the same, in the production, is a blemish, not a quality; a proof, not of achievement, but of absolutely insufficient work, for work alone will efface the footsteps of work. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 The masterpiece should appear as the flower to the painter - perfect in its bud as in its bloom - with no reason to explain its presence - no mission to fulfill - a joy to the artist, a delusion to the philanthropist - a puzzle to the botanist - an accident of sentiment and alliteration to the literary man. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 It is for the artist...in portrait painting to put on canvas something more than the face the model wears for that one day; to paint the man, in short, as well as his features. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 One cannot continually disappoint a Continent. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 I am not arguing with you – I am telling you. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 I can't tell you if genius is hereditary, because heaven has granted me no offspring. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 If other people are going to talk, conversation becomes impossible. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 It takes a long time for a man to look like his portrait. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 It would have been called provincial and barbarous; it would have been cited as an incident of low civilization to confuse such art. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Just as music is the poetry of the ear,so painting is that of the eye. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 ou shouldn't say it is not good. You should say, you do not like it; and then, you know, you're perfectly safe. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Art should be independent of all claptrap - should stand alone and appeal to the artistic sense of eye or ear, without confounding this with emotions entirely foreign to it, as devotion, pity, love, patriotism and the like. 
Author: James McNeil Whistler
Nationality: American
b. 10 July 1834  - d. 17 July 1903
  
 Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 It's very sad how in the information age you cannot get information into people's heads. As long as you write something on the internet and do not add LOL - it is true. "I'm not sure he's a Christian" - I'm not sure he's a mammal, Jay. He could be a werewolf. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I want to thank some very special people without whom I would not be here today. George Bush, Sarah Palin and the Pope. When I came to Hollywood in 1983, I had one dream - to sleep with Jodie Foster. That didn't work out, but this is nice, too. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 Sex is too easy for women to get, and too hard for men. I mean, honestly, for a man to walk into someplace and have every woman ready to take him home, he'd have to rule the world. A woman would have to do her hair. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 We don't like mystery. You like mystery, 'cause it's not a mystery to you; you know when you're gonna get laid. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 The thing I don't understand about homosexuals is, how do they decide which one is the one who's supposed to pretend they don't want it? 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I am so tired of rearranging my life around what the stupidest people might do. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 We're so inconsistent about what we let kill ya. "Smoking? Must be eradicated. Marijuana? Zero tolerance." But there's lots of ways to kill yourself. You know what I think kills you? Stress, and being a workaholic, and never getting laid, and, uh, McDonalds, and staying mad at people, and lying for a living, and three-martini lunches, and the all-American breakfast, and whatever the fuck Elvis was doing. That's what kills you. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I would say that the feminine values are now the values of America; sensitivity is more important than truth; feelings are more important than facts; commitment is more important than individuality; children are more important than people; safety is more important than fun. I always hear women say, "Y'know, married men live longer." Uh, yes, and an indoor cat...also...lives longer. It's a fur-ball with a broken spirit that can only look out on a world it will never enjoy, but it does, technically, live longer. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I'd like to protect children, too, but is everything worth sacrificing to that? I mean, drugs have done a lot of good. They've midwived a lot of good ideas. A lot of great songs, you know? I think "Penny Lane" is worth 10 dead kids. I think Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids. There, I said it. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I wish someone would just start Fly At Your Own Risk Airlines. How 'bout that? You can have your hair gel, you can have your lighter, you can have a fucking gun, how bout that? You can show up at the gate five minutes before the plane leaves, and pay in cash, like in the good ol' 1980s. The ticket just says "shit happens" on the back, because that's the way it is anyway. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 It's so childish, "greatest country in the world." It's like saying, "I have the best wife in the world. Not just the one best suited for me, the best wife in the world. And if you could have my wife, you'd kill your wife." 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 I kid the Republicans, with love. I feel bad for them. They got nobody for next time. Who are they gonna run? Sara Palin, reading off her hand. Did you see that? You saw this? She wrote "tax cuts" on her hand. A Republican so stupid she has to be reminded of the one thing - tax cuts! This is like if you saw the coyote's paw and it said "Road Runner". 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 Hi, I'm Bill. I'm a birth survivor. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 It's all been satirized for your protection. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 Let's face it; God has a big ego problem. Why do we always have to worship him? 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake - you know, to send the right message to kids. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week, which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed. 
Author: Bill Maher, Jr.
Nationality: American
b. 20 January 1956
  
 In those days Caesar Augustus ordered a head count of the whole Roman world. (This was the first big tally, when Quirinius ran the Syrian branch of the Empire.) And everyone had to go back to the bit of country they were born in to fill in the forms. So Joe hiked up from Nazareth (in Galilee Shire) to Bethlehem (in Judea Shire), because this spot in the mulga was where King David came from, and Joe’s family tree had King David up in the top branches. He went there to fill in the forms and sign the register with his fiancee, Mary, who was pretty near nine months by this time. While they were there, she gave birth to a baby boy. She wrapped him in a bunny rug, and tucked him up in a feed trough in a back shed, because the pub was full to bursting. There were some drovers, camped out in a paddock nearby, keeping an eye on their mob of sheep that night. Their eyes shot out on stalks when an angel of the Lord zapped into view, and the glory of the Lord filled the air like a thousand volts of electricity. The angel said: “Stop looking like a bunch of stunned mullets. Let me give you the drum, the good oil, it’s top news for the whole crew—everyone, everywhere. Today in that little town on the hill a rescuer has been born: he is the Promised One, the King, the Lord. And here’s how you’ll find him: the little nipper is wrapped up in a bunny rug, and lying in a food trough.” And before you could say, “Well, I’ll be blowed!” the whole sky was filled with more angels than you could count, all singing away at the top of their lungs (if angels have got lungs, that is): “God is great! God is bonzer - and to everyone on this planet who’s on God’s side: peace and goodwill, and, by the way, Happy Christmas.” (Which rather confused the drovers because they’d never heard of Christmas before.) Suddenly the whole choir had nipped off in the blink of an eye. The drovers said to each other, “We’d better make tracks to Bethlehem and have a squiz at what’s happened—check out this message from God.” So the lot of them shot through like a Toorak tram to Bethlehem - and they found Mary, and Joe and the baby who was, sure enough, wrapped in a bunny rug and lying in a food trough. When they’d seen this they told every Tom, Dick and Harry about what had happened, and everyone who heard the story was blown away by it. But Mary just made a mental note of these things, and tucked them away in a corner of her heart. The drovers went back to the paddock, and their mob of sheep, as excited as a racehorse on Melbourne Cup Day, and saying what a bottler God was, because everything was spot on - just as they’d been told. 
Author: Kel Richards
Nationality: Australian
b. 08 February 1946
  
 The comic is the perception of the opposite; humor is the feeling of it. 
Author: Umberto Eco
Nationality: Italian
b. 05 January 1932
  
 Tasmania is famous for its shape, which is the same shape as the pubic hair region on a woman's body, which I personally don't identify with. Mine's more like a map of the former Soviet Union. Not to scale. 
Author: Hannah Gadsby
Nationality: Australian
b. 12 January 1978
  
 ...You shouldn't clap, that was a lie... I like to tell lies. According to Shakira, hips don't lie. Which makes me a bundle of contradictions. 
Author: Hannah Gadsby
Nationality: Australian
b. 12 January 1978
  
 My mother doesn't like sex. She doesn't like the word, she doesn't like act, and I'm not entirely sure she's too impressed with the results. Ah well, you get out what you put in. 
Author: Hannah Gadsby
Nationality: Australian
b. 12 January 1978
  
 Can you imagine some big bloke from Newcastle going [dons Geordie accent] I've got the baby reet 'ere. He's Dad's only a few metres away, If 'e comes any closer, I'll fucking twat 'im! 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 White Australians were sent to Australia as convicts on great big boats. The scum of the earth, sent to the arsehole of the planet. On the way they must have been going 'I can't believe I'm being sent to this shithole, all I did was steal a loaf of bread, and now I'm being sent to this shithole, it's gonna be horrible, I'm going to hate it', then the convicts docked at Bondi Beach. They all looked up and went 'OH YEAH!'...and a nation was born! 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 It doesn't quite work in an Aussie accent does it? 'Talk the hand...because the face has fucked off!' 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 On the Aussie Weakest Link it's not 'You are the weakest link, goodbye', it's more 'You are the weakest link...See ya later.' 'Cos from what I can tell, it sums up British people, because from what I can work out, English people are all a bunch of grumpy fucks. And nowhere does that get a bigger cheer than in England. Say that in London and all the audience will go 'YES! We're as miserable as shit! HURRAH!' 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 I've realised now that I am so gay. I love everything gay men love, except the whole ya'know, sex with men thing. I mean all the good stuffs gone, Abba: GAY, Wonderwoman: GAY, The Village People: GAY who woulda thought the Village People were gay? It's just like 20 years ago the Gay community got divorced from the Straight community and said 'We're leaving and we're having the good CD's. We're having Kylie, Duran Duran and Frankie Goes To Hollywood. You can have Bon Jovi. 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 On the Australian National Anthem: It's just not the most inspiring anthem in the world is it? I mean, the words are alright: 'Australians all let us rejoice, for we are young and free', except for that last line 'our home is girt by sea.' 'Cos 'girt' means surrounded. How many of you have ever used the word 'girt' in a sentence in your life? Seriously, you never see a policeman and 4 police cars outside your house saying : 'Come out of there with your hands up, we have you girt.' 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 Yeah, i was going through customs, just a few days after the September 11th attacks so security was really tight. As I went through the barriers, my leg set off the alarm, so I had this guy come and feel me and he felt my leg and went 'Right, right what's this going on here then?' 'Ah mate, it's a wooden leg' '...Ah mate, just go through, just go through' '...but I could have a knife or something...' 'No mate, just go through, I don't wanna offend a spastic!'  
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 On Australians: A people 'of boundless enthusiasm and utter stupidity' - (linked the 'OH YEAH' response to whatever outlandishly dangerous exploit is proposed). Seen and heard at Edinburgh Fringe (2001? 
Author: Adam Hills
Nationality: Australian
b. 10 July 1970
  
 If this is going to be a Christian nation that doesn't help the poor, either we have to pretend that Jesus was just as selfish as we are, or we've got to acknowledge that He commanded us to love the poor and serve the needy without condition and then admit that we just don't want to do it. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Agnostics are just atheists without balls. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Tomorrow you're all going to wake up in a brave new world, a world where the Constitution gets trampled by an army of terrorist clones, created in a stem-cell research lab run by homosexual doctors who sterilize their instruments over burning American flags. Where tax-and-spend Democrats take all your hard-earned money and use it to buy electric cars for National Public Radio, and teach evolution to illegal immigrants. Oh, and everybody's high! 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Equations are the devil's sentences. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 It is a well know fact that reality has liberal bias. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult:If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Baby carrots are making me gay. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 It's like watching a Disney movie about the news. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I am no fan of books. And chances are, if you're reading this, you and I share a healthy skepticisn about the printed word. Well, I want you to know that this is the first book I've ever written, and I hope it's the first book you've ever read. Don't make a habit of it. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God? 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Clearly, America has no shortage of metephorical opportunities for the poor. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day? 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt! 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Researchers from Britain's Keele University have found that swearing after an injury may help alleviate pain. Evidently, the pain that you feel is inversely proportional to the number of middle names you give Jesus. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns? 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum! 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Like O'Reilly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.' 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Here's how it works: The president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time - of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 President Bush, have a hot dog with me. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once! 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Rush are like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Take it from me, there's nothing like a job well done. Except the quiet enveloping darkness at the bottom of a bottle of Jim Beam after a job done any way at all. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I report, I decide. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Ghost of Bobby: No, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out  
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.' 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 NASA scientist have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Twenty-two astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth? 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I like talking about people who don’t have any power, and this seems like one of the least powerful people in the United States are migrant workers who come and do our work, but don't have any rights as a result. And yet we still invite them to come here and at the same time ask them to leave. And that's an interesting contradiction to me. And, you know, "Whatsoever you do for the least of my brothers," and these seem like the least of our brothers right now. Migrant workers suffer and have no rights. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 I dont't have any problems with Republicans, just Republican policies. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Kids can't understand irony or sarcasm, and I don't want them to perceive me as insincere. 
Author: Stephen Colbert
Nationality: American
b. 13 May 1964
  
 Did you know that in the last ten years, 31 Australians have died from watering the Christmas tree while the lights were still plugged in? And at least a couple of those were watering plastic trees. Now I don't want to seem callous, but to me that's not a tragedy - that's natural selection. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 Advertising is the world's biggest entertainment industry - there's more spent on it than Hollywood films - and it has not been looked at critically. The only time you ever see it talked about on TV is when Dermott Brereton presents a best-of clip-show about them. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 In fact, if I was a superhero I think I would be Procrastinator Man: 'What's that? Someone's in trouble? Okay, I'll be there... as soon as I make myself a cup of tea, read the papers, have another cuppa, sharpen some pencils, feed the cat, organise my CDs into alphabetical order, check my email, type my name into Google, and finally have just one more cup of tea. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 People often ask if my parents are proud of my career choice, to be perfectly honest they are just proud I'm not married to my own sister. Well we dated, but it didn't work out. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 I had always had two major requirements in any job I wanted, indoor work with no heavy lifting. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 I now need work. When my phone rings, I think, ‘Please be Celebrity Survivor 2!’ Or maybe I could be the black Wiggle - the one telling kids what life’s really like. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 Basically, I’ve been doing the sensible thing and making plans about what I’m going to steal from the ABC. I’ve got my eye on Kerry o’Brien’s green pen or one of the Bananas in Pyjamas. 
Author: Wil Anderson
Nationality: American
b. 31 January 1974
  
 A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs? 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I can speak Esperanto like a native. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Listen, someone's screaming in agony - fortunately I speak it fluently. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 And God said, Let the earth bring forth grass, and the earth brought forth grass and the Rastafarians smoked it. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 When she saw the sign `Members only' she thought of him. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Well, we can't stand around here doing nothing, people will think we're workmen. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Just when I had made my today secure with safe yesterdays I see tomorrow coming with it's pale glass star called hope. It shatters on impact and falls like splinters on cruel rain. And I see the red oil of life running from my wrists onto tomorrows hea. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 His vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 I told them I was ill. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 You silly twisted boy. 
Author: Spike Milligan
Nationality: British
b. December 1918  - d.  December 2002
  
 Women’s humor is part of the revolution. 
Author: Dale Spender
Nationality: Australian
b. December 1943
  
 Thank you for videotaping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some of my personal beliefs. I believe that everyone thinks they can write. This is not true. It is true, however, that everyone can direct. I believe that the Laws of Karma do not apply to show business, where good things happen to bad people on a fairly regular basis. I believe that what doesn't kill us makes us bitter. I believe that the obsessive worship of movie, TV and sports figures is less likely to produce spiritual gain than praying to Thor. I believe that Larry was a vastly underrated Stooge, without whom Moe and Curly could not conform to the comedy law of three (thanks, Lee). I believe my kids are secretly proud of me. I believe that if you can't find anything nice to say about people whom you've helped to make wildly successful and then they stabbed you in the back, then don't say anything at all. I believe I have a great dog, maybe the greatest dog in the whole wide world, yes, he is! I believe that beer is a gateway drug that leads, inevitably, to vodka and somebody oughta do something about it. I believe that when ABC reads this, I'm gonna be in biiiig trouble. I believe that Tina Turner's "River Deep, Mountain High", is the greatest rock song ever recorded. Once again, thanks for watching "Dharma & Greg". Please be sure to tune in again to this vanity card for more of my personal beliefs. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Once again, thank you for video-taping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. I'd like to take this opportunity to share with you some more of my beliefs. I believe that the guy who invented those speed bumps in the freeway that snap you back into consciousness when you're drifting into a nearby semi should be given a big hug. I believe that there are actually several cures for the summertime blues. I believe that in my earlier statement of beliefs, I erroneously believed that beer was a gateway drug that led to vodka. After intensive consultation with ABC executives, I now believe I was very, very wrong. Beer is good. Especially beer brewed by major manufacturers, and enjoyed in a responsible fashion. I believe I've spent my life expecting people to behave in a certain way. I believe that when they didn't behave according to my expectations, I became angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful. I believe these expectations are the reason I've been angry, sad, confused and occasionally fearful more than I care to admit. As a result, I now believe my expectations are the real problem. I believe that everyone has this very same problem, and they ought to start acting accordingly. Well, that's all for now. I hope you continue to watch "Dharma & Greg" and check in on my vanity card for more of my personal beliefs. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Once again, thanks for video-taping "Dharma & Greg," and freeze-framing on my vanity card. The following are a few more of my beliefs: I believe that El Niño is an international conspiracy perpetrated by evil roofing contractors. I believe it's high time The Beatles came clean on that whole "Paul is dead" thing. I believe that anyone who can read and speak clearly can be a network news anchorperson - but not necessarily a weatherman. I believe that if I rid myself of insatiable cravings, lusts, paranoia, deep-seated anger and ill-will towards others, I'll be a much better person. I believe that TV is the cause of all the violence and immorality in our society - ha! just kidding. I believe there's no business like show business, although if you're over-paid for feeding a big, scary monster, then that might be sort of like it. That's all for now, gotta go make a TV show. Once again, thanks for watching and keep checking for more of my beliefs real soon! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe I'm growing skeptical of cynicism. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that if you've read this far in my vanity plate you are an extraordinary person infused with great love and compassion. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. (thanks, Jeff) I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. I believe that all work and no play makes Chuck a dull boy. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Well, once again I'd like to thank you for not only watching, but videotaping "Dharma & Greg." I know you're busy, so this shows a wonderful commitment on your part and I want you to acknowledge that commitment with a big ol' Chuck Lorre vanity card hug. Okay, with that done let's get on with why you're here, to learn more of my personal beliefs. I believe that this episode, which on the surface deals with a funny Valentine's adventure, in fact grapples with the weighty issue of Weltschmerz. Weltschmerz is a German word which loosely means "world suffering deriving from the inevitability of reality to never match up with our expectations." Boy, only the Germans could come up with a word like that. Anyway, in this episode Greg is in Weltschmerz hell as he discovers that life is never quite like the brochure. Dharma, on the other hand, recognizes that life is a flowing river and happiness exists only when one embraces its ever-changing nature. From this dilemma we draw the comedic essence of our story. Finally, I believe that when I retire and teach sitcom writing at a community college, I'll use this theme for one of my classes to impress the kids. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Once again, thank you for videotaping "Dharma & Greg" and freeze-framing on my vanity card. For those of you who are new, this is my sporadic attempt to share my personal beliefs with millions of people (hence the term "vanity"). This attempt has led me into communicating many deep thoughts, and, I'm afraid to say, quite a few shallow ones as well. But what I've found most interesting is that after a few weeks, I've discovered myself scrounging for new beliefs. Things about which I could stand up and say with pride, "I believe in this, dammit!" Now that's not to say that I couldn't fill the card with a lot of mindless aphorisms. But do I waste my precious moment in the sun by proclaiming, "I believe that sex with multiple partners in a moving vehicle isn't all it's cracked up to be?" No, I do not. Do I squander this priceless opportunity to announce, "I believe we are better than the animals because we're capable of reading in the bathroom?" Once again, I do not. And so it is for this reason, I have no beliefs to share with you this week. No wait... actually I do believe that JFK had a much better understanding of the word "perks". 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that the very act of believing in something causes us to distance ourselves from that thing, thus a duality is created: oneself and the thing in which one believes. Now since we all know that in order to fully understand a thing one must be that thing - walk a mile in its shoes so to speak - it seems obvious that the state of believing in something inevitably causes us to not truly understand that thing in which we believe. This noncomprehension leads to all sorts of difficulties. "I believe in love" has a better than even chance of leading to divorce, while "I believe in God" seems to end in variations on the Spanish Inquisition. But - and it's a big but - if one were love, one couldn't help but be affectionate and caring towards oneself and others. If one were God, one would act toward all beings and all things as if they were one's own creations. And that, my friends, is the secret of life in a two-second vanity card. Of course, the secret could also be "Sit, Ubu, sit." We have to keep an open mind. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that words have power. Sticks and stones may hurt our bones, but bones heal in a relatively short time, while one critical parent can cripple you forever. With that in mind, let's try a little experiment. As you read the following words notice whether you feel the impulse to smile. Did it work? Did you smile immediately upon reading that? If not, that's okay. Don't get down on yourself. Remember, this is just an experiment. We can try it again. This time feel your lips curl up gently at the corners. You try to fight it, but your mouth seems to have taken on a life of its own. As you continue reading you can't help but notice that you are now smiling like the execs at Paramount after they realized they got a piece of Titanic for chump change. See? The power of words. In this case used for good. If you would like an example of words used for evil, call your mother and tell her you're really starting to make progress in therapy. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe I think too much. I believe I'm literally drowning in a thick swamp of thoughts. No, swamp's not right. It's more like being in the middle of a swarm of bees, all of them flying insanely about, occasionally stinging for no apparent reason. Yup, bees, definitely - thoughts are bees. In fact, I believe my entire understanding of the world is based on my thoughts, which are generated by my emotions, which are generated by ... well, I guess my reaction to stuff that happens. Anyway, I understand the world through the filter of my thoughts and emotions. If this is pretty much how you understand the world, it brings up an interesting concept. Probably since we were infants, none of us have directly perceived this world we live in. What does it mean to directly perceive something? Well, I suppose it would mean to be totally with that thing, as opposed to observing and thinking about it. It's a duality issue. Here's me, here's you. here's me, here's the sofa. Ya dig where this is going? We live on a planet dominated by a race of beings whose only connection to reality is constantly buzzing, mental bees. We're all walking through life in a dream state that is, at best, a funhouse mirror-image of what's really out there. It makes you think, doesn't it? Ouch! Dammit! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When I began writing these vanity cards, the premise was simple - it's a vanity card - be vain. And what could be more vain and self-serving than to use my two seconds of ABC's broadcast day to share my personal beliefs with millions of viewers? But as time passed I realized I was missing a major opportunity. Rather than just tell a few jokes, I could use the two seconds to unravel the mysteries of life and death and share my discoveries with those of you who can operate a VCR or log onto the Internet sites where my words are regularly posted (yes, I lurk). So, anyway, that's the new plan. The meaning of life, once a week, right here at the end of each Dharma & Greg show. HOW'S THAT FOR VAIN, BUCKO?! Okay, let's get started. The secret of life is we're all writing a vanity card. I'm not kidding, follow me on this. If we're in agreement with the concept "I think, therefore I am," then what are we in those rare moments when we're not thinking? Do we cease to be? No, of course not... unless we never "were" at all, unless our actual identity is a nothing that embraces everything, but an "everything" can't look at itself so we create the illusion of separate selves, which leads to the illusion of survival, which of course leads to all of our pain and suffering. Pride, i.e. vanity, goeth before the fall. And you thoughteth I was joking.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In February of '97, Dottie and I set out to create a series revolving around a woman whose personality is not a neurotic product of societal and parental conditioning, but of her own free-flowing, compassionate mind. In short, we tried to create a character we personally knew nothing about. Then the most astonishing thing happened: this fictional character began to teach us to think differently. For instance, while writing, we'd be forced to ask, "how would Dharma deal with the emotion of anger?" Oh sure, she'd feel it - feel it completely. But then she'd be just as likely to let it go like a cluster of ugly balloons. Okay, fine, she'd let it go. How did she let it go? Probably by recognizing that no matter what the circumstances, emotions are self-generated. No one reaches inside your brain and flips the "anger" switch. So what does that teach us? Well, for me it means that all the anger I feel toward Cybill is ultimately created by... me. Whoa, there goes an ugly balloon! Thanks, Dharma! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Richie didn't know he was beginning a journey into darkness when he made love to Kate. All he knew was bliss. For a few surreal hours his identity simply melted away. Of course, he tried to maintain his objectivity. Sex for Richie was traditionally an ego-ridden activity - an athletic event designed to win the "you're incredible" trophy. But something else happened that night with Kate. He actually made love. He kissed her with love. He touched her with love. And finally, he entered her with a sense of devotion that dissolved all the fear boundaries which had caused him to be so alone. Unfortunately, Kate was just drunk and horny. Nothing even remotely special was happening in her camp. Richie had his first nervous breakdown shortly thereafter, although he preferred to think of it as a learning experience. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dave really looked like he was paying attention. He smiled, pursed his lips and nodded as if he were giving their comments and criticisms much thought. And why wouldn't he? They were the Grand Pooh-Bahs who protected the simple folk from unnecessary art. But the truth is, Dave's mind was elsewhere. And that's not just a figure of speech. His mind was actually in one of those little butt bags that kids like to wear these days. Now, of course, Dave didn't start the meeting with his mind in a butt bag. When one of the muckamucks was summing up a vague thesis with a meandering generality, Dave's mind was very much in and around his head. But then, on its own volition, Dave's mind imagined all the attendees dancing around naked and squirting one another in their private parts with brightly-colored water pistols. And that was when it happened. That was when Dave's mind inexplicably slipped into a butt bag... right alongside his heart. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Some days Richie would wake up crying. His first thoughts would be of Kate and the emptiness he felt without her. Those were the darkest days. The days when the pain of her rejection reached back and formed an alliance with his earliest childhood memories. The woman who couldn't love him now and the woman who couldn't love him then, working together like a Sino-Soviet monolith lumbering toward total Richie domination. So, bright boy that he was, he worked hard, drank hard, and chased soft women. Anything to forget. Anything to kill the pain. Until his dream came true. Until that amazing day when Kate came to him and said she had been wrong, that Richie was indeed the man for her and she wanted them to be together always. Which is when Richie suddenly realized that Kate was nuttier than rat crap in a pistachio warehouse. Richie still wakes up crying. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dave was mildly disoriented when he realized he and Richie were the same person. This sort of cognitive moment tends to undermine a guy's sense of self. But it didn't stop there. When Dave looked around the room, he realized he was also Kate and Lorraine and Ted and Lenny. Heck, he was also the dying philodendran on the windowsill. Suddenly he felt enormous compassion for all these variations on himself, or rather "ourself", which he thought was a more appropriate label. The pain of loneliness and the fear of death were suddenly swept away by this one blinding flash of insight. It was so obvious! There are no separate forms of life. Life was life, just sort of wandering around looking at itself, loving itself, and unfortunately killing itself. Which is when Dave woke up, *#@+, showered and shaved, went to work, worried about nonsense, drove home, watched a supposedly funny show, had a stiff drink and went to sleep again. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Richie was excited about his upcoming death. He rented a medium-priced banquet hall and invited all of his friends, family and co-workers to the happy event. But when the big day arrived, many were confused. There was Richie, walking and talking, actually having quite a good time. What kind of death was this? What Richie had failed to explain in the invitations was that the death he was celebrating was that of his carefully constructed ego. From this day on, Richie would cease to be Richie (except for tax purposes). For all other purposes he would simply be a continuously unfolding manifestation of the universe - a process not a thing. He tried to explain how blissfully liberating this was, that this was the enlightenment sought by wise men throughout the ages, but no one really understood. Of course it didn't help matters much that he kept pestering several female guests to show the continuously unfolding manifestation their sweater puppies. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dave still had vivid memories of when his mind was a quiet, useful ally - a handy-dandy accessory that would discreetly remind him not to stick his little Dave fingers into light sockets. But that was long ago. Dave's mind was now in full revolt. One moment it would be idling nicely, waiting to notice, judge, critique or consider - then, without warning, like a spider monkey on metha-amphetamines, it would start thinking ugly, angry, snarling monstrosities. Dave didn't know what to do. It was the only mind he had. And then he realized, it was out of his control because it was never his mind. It was just some scanning mechanism generated by billions of years of evolution, genetics, and conditioning. That made Dave feel better. At least until #*&^ #&$^^# mEeP ^%$^&!#^grrrrr %^%_+ +*&^) &% MWHA-HA-HA!&*( &^ *&*&78=07 WHOOO-gaa !$^& )argeep++tynoop!&* 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Surrender is a powerful word. It runs directly counter to everything Dave was taught. Dave was taught to fight for dominance - to struggle to be the best. And after years of doing just that, Dave finally arrived at the mountaintop, the pinnacle, the hallowed place where eagles crap. But Dave was still unhappy, because no matter how hard he fought, winning was an illusion - a mirage. But then, Dave thought, what would happen if I just gave up? This universe isn't meant to be dominated. It's an incomprehensible vastness which created us and to which we'll all return. So Dave surrendered and discovered a happiness he never dreamed of. A sea of bliss in which he willingly drowned. But then, he met this guy who was even happier and more blissful. You can guess the rest. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The carotid artery. I think that's what it's called. The big blood vessel in the neck - maybe it's the jugular, I don't know. Whatever you call it, the damn thing was spouting blood, probably with each beat of his heart. It was late, I was coming back from a gig and saw his car wiped-out on the side of the road. I pulled over and tried to help. I knew the thing to do was to somehow stop the bleeding, but my hands were frozen. Instead, I told an unconscious teenager to hang in there, everything would be okay. A better Good Samaritan joined me eventually. He found an old shirt in the car and applied pressure to the kid's neck while I directed traffic. Then a cop arrived and told us that he would take over. I nodded, got in my Corolla and slowly drove home. That was twenty years ago. I still think about that kid and my frozen hands. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Richie was in perfect health when he began reviewing his life. His reasoning was simple: if your life passes before you moments before you die, why not do it when things are going good? That way, when you're coughing up blood and forgetting your childrens' names, you can just lay back and enjoy the morphine-drip carpet ride that takes you back to God. Richie's life review began with his teenage years because his actions during those years effectively blocked out all memory of the preceding years. He began slowly, looking for moments when he'd been kind and loving, generous and cheerful. Unfortunately, all he could remember was a bewildered, terrified, selfish, horny, angry, pimple-faced knucklehead. But that was okay. Part of the life review involved extending forgiveness. So Richie forgave that miserable teenager of long ago and began scanning his young adult years. Which is where he found a treasure trove of memories that caused him to cough up blood and forget his childrens' names. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 It was a novel thought for Dave: What if he's not someone who is perpetually in need of repair? What if the real grunt work of self-improvement is simply being aware of the things one thinks, feels, says and does? Dave decided to put his novel thought to the test by being aware of the first feeling that came along. As it turned out, his first brain guest was the feeling of horny. Dave was aware that he was horny. But, his awareness told him he was not so much horny as lonely. And the loneliness was really just a deep-seeded fear that he was unworthy of being loved......even by himself. Suddenly, Dave no longer felt horny. Now he felt hungry. But not so much hungry as sad. And the sadness was really just a deep-seeded fear that he was unworthy of being loved......even by himself. Which caused Dave to no longer feel hungry. Now he felt insane. But, that was okay because he was aware of it. And it wasn't so much insane as psychotically giddy. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 If he had pondered the problem for a hundred years, Hollywood agent Mort Tayback couldn't have dreamed of a better way to kill her. His plan was elegant and simple... he would make Carolyn famous - and not just Courtney Cox famous or David Schwimmer famous. For Mort's murder to work, he'd have to make Carolyn a legend, an international icon, a transcendent luminosity upon whom men, women and children from San Bernadino to Zimbabwe would dream about. He liked the sound of that - "San Bernadino to Zimbabwe!" Carolyn, of course, wouldn't feel like she deserved such adulation (and who does, really). At which point she'd quickly descend into a deadly spiral of drugs and miscellaneous self-destructive behavior, culminating in her untimely death. The world would mourn, but not Mort Tayback. For this was his perfect plan of revenge, based on a maniacally simple premise: "If you want to kill someone you hate, make them famous. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 My eulogy. I know I'm not dead, I just thought it would be kinda cool to write it myself, while I'm alive and well, and stick it on the end of a TV show. Okay, first, I meant well. Despite all the things for which I need to be forgiven, in my heart I know I meant well. I believe that my sins were driven by fear - fear of being unloved, fear of poverty, fear of death, fear, fear, fear. What can I say? I was deeply influenced by a frightened mother. I'm not casting blame here; God knows what she dealt with as a little kid. Second, I tried hard. When it came to taking care of my children, I allowed nothing to get in my way - even a closer relationship with them. I attribute that sin to "fear of being a bad provider." There's so much more to say but as you can see, space is limited. I'll continue eulogizing myself on future vanity cards. In the meantime, there's nothing to fear but fear itself... and lethal diseases, random violence, and tragic accidents. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 To pierce through the illusion of separateness, to realize that which lies beneath the tormenting wound of duality - that was a goal worthy of a lifetime. Richie, however, never really believed he could unravel this mystery which had baffled the greatest minds of humankind. He certainly didn't have anything resembling a great mind. Then it occurred to him... maybe a great mind was not what was needed to see behind the veil of illusion. Maybe true perception comes from a great heart. This realization troubled Richie, for he knew in his gut that he didn't have a great heart either. But then he thought, perhaps with some desperation, maybe the secret was in having a great gut. Or nice shoes. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I wanted to take this opportunity to wish all my faithful vanity card readers a Happy New Year. I also wanted to thank all those tireless people who transcribe the ol' card and upload it onto the Internet. I'm hoping '99 will be a great year for the vanity card, filled with fresh insights into the meaning of life and plenty of pithy zingers that bring a smile to one and all. I don't have anything insightful or pithy at the moment. Truth is, I'm vamping like crazy here. Just killing time, looking for a clever point of view, a sweepingly original articulation on the mystery of life, anything. Oh hell, who am I kidding? This has become a terrible burden -- week after week, exec produce D & G and write this freaky vanity card. No, "Sit, Ubu, sit" for me. Nooo, I had to create a monster -- a voracious little stinker that gnaws at my peace of mind like a slightly irregular freckle which could be melanoma... but I digress. HAPPY NEW YEAR, EVERYBODY! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A valued member of the D&G staff, Informio the Clown, has been encouraging me to use the vanity card to exercise the non-verbal, or right-side of my brain. Well, Informio, this hemisphere's for you. Thanks a lot, Informio. Now I have to go back into therapy. Stupid clown. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When Richie figured out that the universe truly was an illusion, he was quite dumbfounded at the simplicity of the insight. Unless some sort of awareness exists to perceive the whole shabang, the whole shabang effectively does not exist. It could be an infinite space filled with stars and planets, or a plaid snot rag wrapped around a bottle of pseudoephedrine hydrochloride. Or, to put it another way, when a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, there is no sound. For a sound to be a sound, there must be some sort of ear hooked to some sort of intelligence that says something like, "What was that?" Otherwise the sound might as well be a plaid snot rag wrapped around a bottle of pseudoephedrine hydrochloride. So now Richie understood that energy and mass only exist because of awareness, which means they have no inherent existence. Of course he had this insight while fighting a bad head cold, so that might have had something to do with it. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When I was a young man I got this guitar and sorta learned how to make it talk. Not as articulately as the guys I worshipped, but I did manage to get that old Strat to speak with a certain fluency and syntax. On good nights, I could make it scream with anger or cry like a baby. There were even times when my hands did things that would utterly surprise me - when the thousands of hours of practice exploded into music that seemed to come from someone else entirely. I couldn't imagine a life without three pickups and that cool setting between treble and midrange. But eventually I realized my teenage dream was turning into an adult nightmare. In order to provide for my family, I traded the six-string Fender for a four-camera sitcom. I guess in hindsight it was a good trade, although on good nights while writing and producing "Roseanne," "Grace Under Fire" and "Cybill," you could hear me screaming and crying like a baby. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As an experiment, I just set my computer's calendar to 1/1/00. So far so good. The system seems to be dealing with the 00 date without too much trouble. Although I did just notice that President McKinley is running for re-election, and Americans are certainly smelling better, now that one home in seven has a bathtub. On a sour note, bubonic plague has struck Honolulu and the entire city had to be set on fire to destroy the disease-carrying rats. I just read about a fellow named Harvey Firestone who claims to have a bright idea about attaching rubber tires to rims. Rubber tires? What good will those be on trolley cars? Finally, as I sit here on my porch, sipping lemonade, I feel comfortable in predicting that the 20th Century will be a peaceful one.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I feel that the alter-egos of Richie and Dave are beginning to wear out their welcome in my vanity cards. The spiritual searcher, "Richie," is named after my childhood friend, a gentle giant and bonafide genius. "Dave" is derived from the classic Cheech and Chong piece "Dave's not here." I used Richie and Dave to explore themes I was personally uncomfortable with. As fictional characters, I could send them charging into emotional, intellectual, moral, sexual and spiritual machine gun nests, while I sat safely behind the lines. This is literary cowardice. Beginning now, any vanity card musings will be written from my own point-of-view. "Wait one darn minute! I'm real, and so is Dave! This should actually be called The Richie and Dave Vanity Card!" "You're damn right, Richie. If anyone's fictional, it's Chuck Lorre." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 There's a wonderful story about a learned man who went to see a Zen master to debate the merits of Zen. The master poured him a cup of tea, and purposely kept pouring so the tea ran over the cup and spilled onto the table. The man was startled and asked the master what he was doing. The Zen master replied, "You are like this cup, too full of your own opinions to receive anything else." Now I'd like to ask everyone reading this vanity card to empty yourselves of all your opinions, beliefs, fears, hopes, resentments and desires for just one moment. Just let them all go... empty your cup. Good. Some call this emptiness nirvana - attained by years of meditation. I would suggest that there's another path to attain this state of emptiness: write and produce twenty-four sitcom episodes in thirty-five weeks. Which is the origin of another Zen riddle: if no one hears a comedy writer weeping inconsolably while curled in a fetal ball, is he still funny? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The secret of life: praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all. Did you get that? Okay, here it is again: praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all. Got it? No? All right, don't panic. Once again: praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all. Are you a great tree yet? ... Aw, geez. Okay, once again: praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a great tree in the midst of them all. Ya' happy?... Good. Unfortunately, that's not the secret of television, so tell all your friends to watch "Dharma & Greg" and while you're at it, see if you can get a Nielson box... get a Nielson box... get a Nielson box... get a Nielson box... 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I happen to believe that a life unexamined is a life not worth living. I also happen to believe that a life examined will cause an incredible amount of heartache. With that dilemma in mind, here's where my examination has gotten me so far. The only real progress I've made as a human being came at those times when my carefully constructed ego was completely shattered by people and/or events. Unfortunately, that progress was always short-lived because each and every incident of ego deflation was followed by years of building up a stronger, more resilient replacement. Son, friend, athlete, musician, rebel, space cadet, husband, daddy, TV writer-producer, divorced guy, jerk, smart guy, wiseguy, fool, seventeen handicap, success, failure are all false selves because they are fleeting processes with no real substance or permanence. So where does this leave Chuck Lorre? Egoless? I wish. But it does make one think, maybe Prince was on to something when he shed his name for a symbol. Hmmm... 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The more I investigate the non-realm that lies just beyond, beneath or throughout the non-realm I think we're in, the more I'm convinced that it will take the heart of a warrior to continue. I suppose part of the reason for that is it requires courage to not be seduced by the comfort level generated by this particular illusion. Isn't it easier to just lay back and slip-slide into the daily grind of unconsciousness? And then there's the cultural conditioning which proclaims, "This is it! What you see is what you get." Now, let's think about that for a moment. What we see is what we get. Hmmm... We can't see electrons. We can't see a virus. We can't see getting an honest profit participation in anything we write - and yet we still believe these things exist. Which brings me to God. Isn't it strange that we can look up at a night sky, at a majestic mountain, at the sculpted behind of a beautiful woman in spiked heels, and have trouble believing in God? But I digress. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dharma & Greg adopt a baby, they break into a diner and serve pie, their closet is haunted by devil dolls, Kitty sues Larry for a broken ass, Pete lets the bad air out, Dharma goes to the big dance, a dead friend sends D&G to the big trees, Greg falls asleep in a very bad place, Dharma goes into the nothing business, Edward comes out of retirement in a simple blue frock, Greg says "y'all," Dharma runs a button hook with Steve Young, D&G run from an angry bear, the in-laws are attacked by an angry sea lion, confused ducks attack a fund-raiser, a horse falls for Dharma, Greg is nibbled by a curious goat, Dharma tries out a Stradivarius, a coffin and a Ferrari, Good and Evil meet on a trampoline, politics gets ugly, Pete and Jane tie a bad knot, D&G peel potatoes, Santana bonds Greg and Larry, food fight with Kitty, Greg and Pete crash and burn, and marriage doesn't stop D&G from dating. You don't believe me? Watch the reruns, dude! Thanks to everyone who taped and paused. See you next year! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I recently mentioned to an engineer friend of mine that I get slightly crazed when things are less than perfect. To my surprise he looked at me with a crooked little smile and said, "Oh, but things are perfect." A few days later our conversation continued. This time he told me that the universe was expanding at exactly the right speed to keep it from flying apart or collapsing back into itself. He also noted that the subatomic makeup of our bodies was calibrated so magnificently that were it off by less than one percent, two human bodies approaching one another would release enough energy to blow the Earth out of its orbit. And consider this: if a plane loses its wings at thirty thousand feet, and DOESN'T fall to the ground, then we would be living in a world where fat people could stick rockets in their ass and fly to Miami for a three-day weekend. Now, if you're like me and don't find that to be an improvement on the laws of nature, then I think you have to agree with my friend - things are perfect. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I wanted to take this opportunity to welcome all my loyal vanity card readers back for year three of D&G. As you can see, I've changed the card to black print on a white background in the hope that this will facilitate reading while you "pause" your videotape. I also wanted to use this card to talk about what I did on my summer vacation. Rather than go to Europe, or some exotic locale, I chose to go on a spiritual journey. Among other things, my journey led to this stunning realization: For as long as I can remember, I've mistakenly felt that God, or some kind of higher power, had taken everyone aside and explained to them what this life was all about. And for some twisted, cosmic reason, it was decided that I alone would remain in the dark. Uncovering this self-centered misconception was an enormous breakthrough for me. For the first time in my life I didn't feel like an ignorant, frightened outsider. As a result, next summer, one more ignorant, frightened insider is going to Paris! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dear Dad, I want to apologize for being such a rotten son. I want to say how sorry I am for all the pain I brought into your life. For the years I humiliated you with my ridiculous hair, my moronic clothes and my stupid, stupid behavior. For all the times I ignored your heart-felt advice and hard-won wisdom. And finally, I want to apologize for despising you for reasons I still don't understand. Please know that my thoughts, words and actions were the best I had at the time. I also want to thank you for endowing me with a sense of humor. It has proven to be a priceless inheritance, and I don't use the word priceless loosely. You should see where I live. I also need to thank you for showing me what courage, strength and personal integrity looked like in action. I'm still trying to live up to that part of my inheritance. I miss you so much, Dad, and yet I feel your presence more and more with each passing year. Love, Chuck. P.S. You'll be happy to know that your grandchildren are a definite improvement on their father. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Inspiration. Noun. 1. Stimulation of the faculties to a high level of feeling or activity. 2. The condition of being so stimulated. 3. An agency, such as a person or a work of art, that moves the intellect or emotions. 4. Something that is inspired, as an idea or action. 5. Theology: Divine guidance or influence exerted directly upon the mind and soul of man. 6. The act of breathing in; inhalation. (From the Latin inspirare, to breath into) I'm under a lot of pressure to get one of these vanity cards written every week and to be perfectly honest, some weeks I've got squat. Like this week. Nothing of substance to say. Nothing even marginally amusing. Which is why I'm hoping for a little of #1 or perhaps even #5. I'm just sitting here waiting... just sitting here... Oh, well, at least I'm doing well with #6. Which, if you read the definition again, still counts as inspiration. How about that, I'm inspired... and expired... and inspired... and expired... inspired... 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Once upon a time there was a wave. The name of the wave was, no surprise, Dave. Dave the wave. Dave was a big, powerful wave. His massive blue body surged across the surface of the ocean with great majesty and deceptive speed. Oh yes, Dave was quite a wave. From the moment he rose up from the ocean he felt special. He felt invincible. Ferocious storms battered him with wind and rain, great ships sliced through his very heart, and yet he rolled on. It was not for him to stop and consider the other waves. To stop was to die. Waves have to keep moving... or else. But then one day Dave saw a strange darkness on the horizon and, for the first time in his life, felt fear. What could it be? Was it connected to the laughing creature sliding across his face on a piece of wood? But before he could make sense of it all, he crashed down into the darkness. For a brief moment he felt a weird, splashing feeling, then oblivion. Dave was no more. He was now a part of the sea. And as we all know, the sea loves to make waves. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In an earlier vanity card I made a joke that involved sticking rockets in the asses of fat people, thus enabling them to fly to Miami for a three-day weekend. At this time I am forced to admit that the joke was in bad taste and may have hurt the feelings of some of my readers who are calorically challenged. I especially regret the gaffe since frankly, I should know better. I spent two years on "Roseanne" where I was repeatedly beaten over the head with a simple truth: "fat" jokes are cheap jokes. I was also told that I was an incompetent hack intent on destroying the show, but that's another matter for another vanity card. The purpose here is to make amends to my corpulent compadres; my endomorphic, abdominous buds; my swag-bellied, moonfaced, roly-poly pals. This is not the place for any more thoughtless japes at the bloated, bulky or broad of beam. From this moment on, I solemnly vow to restrain from any and all juvenile badinage aimed at the jumbo dumplings who walk among us. Thank you, and good night. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Thirty thousand feet in the air. Strapped into a seat that doubles as a flotation device. Thinking about faith. Faith in airplanes. In jet engines. In pilots. Faith that the sullen, unshaven guy across the aisle isn't the mindless pawn of a master terrorist with a deep hatred for America, the Great Satan. Then, assuming a safe landing, faith that the cabbie didn't have a fight with his adulterous wife who hides her deceit behind sly jokes about his unremarkable sexual prowess forcing him to soothe his anguish with that fifth of Jim Beam he keeps stashed beneath the seat. And, of course, faith that the doorknob leading out of the public bathroom isn't tainted with a flesh-eating bacteria that came to Earth imbedded in a small, flat meteorite that some unsuspecting child picked up to skip across the surface of a lake. Yes, faith is a wonderful thing. Without it, this world would surely be a fearful place. Once again, thanks for reading my vanity card. Have a nice day. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 For many years I've been fascinated by the phenomenon known as automatic writing. If this strange occurrence could be made to work in television comedy, and I could harness it, my productivity would no doubt increase tenfold. I decided that there was only one way to find out. I would have to turn on the computer, close my eyes, and trust that some cosmic power would embrace my humble consciousness, causing my fingers to fly across the keyboard in an explosion of cutting-edge humor. Please keep in mind that I claim no authorship for what follows. Ally felt strangely powerful knowing that she was not wearing panties and by what she had just done in the bathroom. ALLY Your Honor, my client's injuries were clearly masturbated by the actions of the defendant. Oops! I meant exacerbated. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The concept of prayer, as I've always understood it, was that one beseeched God for what one wanted. Make me rich, famous, sexy, happy, married, single, whatever - just improve upon the status quo. In my humble opinion, this is a waste of time. That's not to say that I think prayer is a waste of time. In fact, I now believe that prayer is essential to a happy life - just not the kind of prayer that asks for stuff. What I now believe is that the true purpose of prayer is for us to get our actions and thoughts into alignment with the universe as it really is, as opposed to how we wish it to be. If we assume an omnipotent God, then God is everything. In other words, God is the universe as it really is. With that in mind, I've been praying a lot lately so that I might properly align myself. The two messages I've received thus far are: "be kind and loving" and "have fun while it lasts". While I find that comforting, it troubles me that the two ideas seem incompatible. Maybe I've been in L.A. too long. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dear Vanity Card Readers, I regret to inform you that I will not be writing a vanity card this week due to illness. Nothing serious, just your average, common cold versus aspirin, antihistamines, vaporubs, humidifiers, throat lozenges, vitamins, homeopathic remedies, buckets of chicken soup that I can't smell, and enough squeezably-soft facial tissue to exfoliate my nose down to the skull. But what I find most fascinating is that while nothing's worked, I persist in thinking I can "beat" a common cold. Why am I incapable of accepting my helplessness? Is the inability to accept helplessness a survival trait or the cause of suffering? I can't amaze my friends at cocktail parties by levitating the dip, but I accept that I'm powerless over gravity and thus do not suffer. Likewise, I can't sing like Joe Cocker, but I accept my inability to emulate Ray Charles and feel just fine about it. Anyway, there won't be a vanity card this week. Geez, I feel clammy, maybe I should take some more zinc. Yeah, zinc, that'll do it. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I recently found myself in a room with a group of complete strangers. As each one spoke, I noticed I was making a snap judgement about that person. Sometimes the judgement was warm and appreciative. But more often, it was of the "Geez, what a vacuum tube this guy is" variety. At first I was troubled by this ugly mental reflex. But then I was hit with a flash of insight. As I gazed around the room I realized that if each person was animated by the same energy - call it God, call it carbon-based, chemical doowhackies - then each person was essentially life doing the best that it can. Suddenly my judgements were replaced by a pervasive feeling of love. Emboldened by my epiphany, I meditated upon a TV executive with whom I'd recently had difficult relations. I visualized this person not as an arrogant prig, but as "life doing the best that it can." Which is when my insight grew deeper. I now believe that the ability to suspend judgement and flow love works really well with complete strangers. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Zen mind, beginner's mind. The phrase, popularized by Zen master Shunryu Suzuki, means exactly what it says - the Zen mind is a beginner's mind. It has no preconceptions or fixed ideas. It is open, questioning and delighted. When I began in television, I had a beginner's mind, but over the years I acquired a mind that was filled with so much stuff that my creativity became frozen. My joy became a dim memory. Obviously the answer was to re-cultivate the "beginner's mind." Less obvious was how to jettison this "acquired mind." Well, after many months of meditation, I've done just that. The rules and boundaries of the "acquired mind" have been replaced with the wonder and delight of a child-like beginner's mind. My writing once again flows effortlessly, and the result is a new sitcom entitled "Pooping!" or "Mr. Poopie" - whichever tests better. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 For the last two and a half years I've been amazed and delighted at the response my vanity cards have received from all the folks who watch and tape D & G. I've also been very appreciative of the many Internet sites where each week the cards are transcribed (sometimes accurately, sometimes not). Anyway, it seemed like a logical next step for me to make the cards even more available. Unfortunately, and for reasons I can't go into, I'm not allowed to tell you how this has been done. I can't even give you any hints. About all I can tell you is that all the cards are now out there for your easy perusal, but the only way to find them is to use your imagination. I would also like to mention that if you are clever enough to locate them, please pass it on. Thanks, ChuckLorre. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I was recently asked by a journalist why I write these vanity cards. It seemed like a simple enough question, but the truth is, I was stumped. Why do I write them? Not for money certainly, although I continue to hold out hope. Is it a creative exercise from which I derive great pleasure? Not really. I've always felt that the act of writing isn't nearly as enjoyable as the feeling that comes from "having written." So why do I do it? Well, after careful consideration I've come to believe that had I been even a moderately successful communicator in my formative years, I would feel little compulsion to communicate now. This leads me to wonder, would it have been appropriate to have told the journalist that I write these vanity cards because I was incapable of expressing myself as a youngster, a situation which caused me unbearable anguish and is only now beginning to dissipate? Maybe. But I didn't. I told him I write them because it's fun. And this leads me to a question: if he's writing about my writing, what kind of miserable childhood did he have? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I've never understood the phrase "God's will be done." It certainly wasn't bandied about while I was growing up on Long Island. Were it not for TV and the movies, I probably would never have heard it at all (prune-faced sodbusters in the Old West seemed to say it a lot). The American psyche of the Fifties and Sixties celebrated our will, not God's - and we believed our will was limitless. But thankfully, as I've gotten older, I've come to realize that my will is anything but limitless. I can will myself to knowledge, but not to wisdom. I can will myself to pleasure, but not to happiness. I can will myself to money, but not to a sense of security. I can will myself to veggies and aerobics, but not to good health. Hell, I can will myself to bed, but not to sleep. All of which leads me to conclude that my deepest desires were never attainable through the exercise of my will. There's a feeling of relief in that conclusion. And unless God has a Manhattan attitude towards people from Long Island, there's a small bit of hope. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In a recent New York Times article about the King of Jordan, the King discussed an episode of Dharma & Greg which explored some of the issues he faces in running his country. Can I just tell you... this makes me very happy. I mean, c'mon, the King of Jordan watches our show and finds wisdom in it! Not the King of Big Screen TV's, mind you - the King of Jordan! Now if Sting is right, and we live in a universe of synchronicity, it then follows that a single episode of Dharma & Greg could bring peace to the Middle East. It could even bring peace to Sting. Heck, as long as I'm chasing this pussycat, let me just ask, are there any more world leaders out there watching the show? If so, please feel free to contact me directly. I know you're busy and can't watch every week, so we'll discuss your problems and then determine which episode of D&G would be best for you to watch. Who needs think tanks and big shot consultants? The reason you guys are world leaders is that you know where the truth is: Dharma & Greg, the sitcom fit for a king! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I just got home from the Writers' Guild of America awards banquet. We lost. For the second year in a row, we lost. I'm not bitter we lost. We just lost. I expected we'd lose, and we did. Again. A few months ago we went to the Golden Globes. We lost there, too. For the second time. But that's okay. It's nice to see old friends at these show-biz shindigs. It's nice to be acknowledged by my peers and by members of the foreign press. And let's not forget, good work is its own reward. Knowing that I did my best and had fun doing it is really all I can ask for. But the most important thing is, three more awards shows - win or lose - and I'll have fully amortized my lousy tuxedo. Okay, maybe I'm a little bitter. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Miracle. The dictionary defines it as "an event that appears unexplainable by the laws of nature and so is held to be supernatural in origin or an act of God." When I reflect on the people and events that led me to this moment in time, this "place" in my life, I am forced to conclude that a miracle - no, a series of miracles - has occurred. How else can a devastating car accident and a terrible illness turn out to be, in the long run, blessings? But then my inner critic says, "Are you so self-obsessed as to believe that the hand of God moves through your puny life?" Well, if I postulate an infinite God, the answer is, why not? The dictionary definition of infinite is "having no boundaries or limits." With that in mind it seems self-obsessed to think that the influence of something infinite wouldn't extend to me, or anyone else for that matter. Of course I could also postulate that we're all chemical accidents in a dead and meaningless universe. It just doesn't make a very interesting vanity card. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Let's try a little experiment. Turn and look at someone near you - a loved one, a friend, a co-worker, a stranger - it doesn't really matter. Now, as you look at this person, consider this: he or she is a completely unique, never - before - in - the - history - of - the - universe - has - there - been - anyone - exactly - like - this - person... person. Reflect on the fact that you are gazing at an impossibly complex and totally original work of art which will never be duplicated. I'm sure you see where I'm going with this. We so easily lose sight of how truly magnificent we are. Which is something to keep in mind if you chose to look at a stranger for this exercise. Even though he's looking back at you with grinning, spittle-covered lips that are a miraculous construct of living tissue - even though perverse thoughts of what he'd like to do to you are racing through a meat-based computer that no Pentium chip will ever approximate, he is a masterpiece. If he were hanging in a museum, a security guard would most likely tell you, "Don't touch." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 One of the great blessings of getting older is realizing, without shame and remorse, what an idiot you've been at earlier stages of your life. I can think of nothing that breeds humility better than this on-going epiphany. The knowledge that with a few exceptions, I was the human version of the "don't pass" bet on a craps table, is oddly comforting. Let's take a look. In 1977 I tried to talk a friend out of investing all his money in stores that only sold running shoes. A few years later, I told anyone who would listen that the female singer of "Lucky Star" was a one-hit wonder, while the singer of "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" was here to stay. I saw no future in bottled water or fancy coffee shops. Cellular phones? What for? I already have a phone. And let's not forget that in 1988 I read William Gibson's "Neuromancer," logged onto the Internet, and STILL didn't see it coming. Shall I go on? Shall I share with you some of the moronic things I've done, thought and said in my personal life? Of course I won't. I'm not stupid. I'm just humble.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A friend of mine recently asked me if I was responsible for any of the countless jokes that are told in offices and homes throughout the country. His question certainly had a valid premise. One would assume that comedy writers write jokes. Following that line of reason he thought, well, Chuck's a comedy writer (remember, he's my friend), ergo Chuck must write some of these "a guy goes into a bar with a duck on his head" deals. Well, I had to tell him that nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I've sat in many rooms with many talented comedy writers and every one of them was as mystified as I was as to the origin of jokes. What wonderful madman writes "a pig this good you don't eat all at once?" What evil genius cooked up the comic recipe for "I feel good, but I look awful?" I don't know. But if you're out there and you dreamed up "You want me to numb that for you, Mrs. Johnson?", thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Well, some things never change. I've had four and a half months to write this season's first vanity card - four and a half months - and here I am, the morning the damn thing is due, writing like a madman. If nothing else, this exercise in blind panic causes me to reflect on how I crawled out of high school in June, 1970. And to reflect on how my son, following in his father's hand and kneeprints, executed the same escape maneuver in June, 2000. And finally, how thirty years from now, perhaps his son will be putting off for tomorrow what could have easily been done today. Procrastination. I'm good at it. Since I began writing this vanity card, I've managed to peruse both the L.A. and New York Times, drink yet another cup of coffee, hide in the bathroom to read a few more precious pages of a Philip Roth novel. (Reading Roth causes me to seriously question my vocation. It's sort of the prose version of when I was a young, journeyman guitarist and I first heard Pat Metheny. I think that was around 1974.) Anyway, procrastination... oh, look! I'm out of room! The space constraints of the vanity card have forced me to stop writing before I'm able to cleverly fini 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When I was a little kid my parents often used a phrase that, to their way of thinking, described the ancient art of meditation. The phrase was "staring at one's belly button." This bon mot was most often used to describe someone who was sitting on their butt practicing the equally ancient art of underachieving. "Look at that guy over there staring at his belly button," would be considered an acceptable use of this witticism. Another common remark heard in my formative years was "He's got a head on his shoulders," which was used to express admiration and respect. Smart people who were doing something with their lives had "heads on the shoulders." Those who were not quite so clever, well, there was another phrase for where their heads were. The reason I'm bringing this up is that while meditating recently I had a tremendous flash of insight - I have never stared at my belly button, not while meditating, not while underachieving, and my head has always been on my neck. When I mentioned to my mother that my head was filled with these sorts of nonsensical sayings and I considered it a subtle form of child abuse, she told me not to be such a Wisenheimer. Wisenheimer was an old country name that was later anglicized to Smartypants. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 It's strange to think of one's life as analogous to climbing a mountain. It's even stranger to discover, after years of striving to reach the summit, that it's the wrong mountain. This is what happened to Dave. Dave spent twenty years climbing the wrong mountain. And yet he had to consider it time well-spent. After all, no one could have told him he was relentlessly scaling the wrong pile of dirt (not that they didn't try). Dave had to find out for himself. Which is why, in the perverse way life happily screws with us, it turned out to be exactly the right mountain. In order to see things clearly, to understand the actuality of his existence, Dave had to crawl up a treacherous incline that only led to happiness in his poorly-formed, childish dreams. There was never an alternative mountain for ol' Dave, because he was incapable of envisioning one. So he climbed. Until one day, he looked around and saw that he'd reached the top. The pinnacle. The apex. The place where eagles crap. And that's when he noticed the mountain he was always meant to climb far off in the distance. And he noticed something else... everyone climbing that mountain was truly happy. So Dave did the only thing a sane man could do in his situation, he sent word to those people and told them they were on the wrong mountain. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Here's a funny thing. I've been trying to create a sympathetic male character in his early twenties for another project I'm working on. After struggling with a variety of generic, off-the-rack prototypes, I thought why not use myself as a template (at least myself as I was in my early twenties) - which is where the funny part comes in. When I began using an autobiographical approach I discovered - to my horror - that I don't find the "young me" to be a particularly sympathetic character. Needless to say, this sort of thinking brings to light all kinds of personal issues I don't really feel are appropriate for a vanity card. But the question remains, what does it mean when you reflect on your life and find that you didn't make a very good hero? Your actions were either self-serving, thoughtless, shallow, craven, vain, vengeful, manipulative or, when you really got it going, all of the above. Well, it means that even though we go through life thinking of ourselves as the leading man, the truth is some of us are better cast as mischief-making sidekicks. Or, in a few cases, unwitting villains who have to learn to forgive themselves. Regardless, I've decided not to take any chances. I'm basing my sympathetic male character on a young Tom Hanks. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 On October 18, 2000, I celebrated my forty-ninth birthday. I approached the day with a sense of mild dread. This was, after all, the last birthday before the Big Five-Oh, the age where juvenile behavior starts to look pretty pathetic (even in California). Anyway, the natal anniversary arrived and was warmly celebrated by friends and loved ones. I felt good. I felt - dare I say it - vaguely mature. Then my old friend and accountant Steve called to wish me well. We joked about getting old. Where have all the years gone? What about the music the kids listen to these days? How's your prostate? Etc. Then, thinking myself to be his elder, I inquired as to Steve's age. He replied that he'd be turning forty-eight in December. I quickly did the math and determined that since I graduated high school in 1970, he must have graduated in 1971. To my surprise, he said he graduated in 1970. I did some lightning fast re-calculations and asked if he skipped a grade. He said no. Then he asked a simple, penetrating question. He asked me what year I was born. I replied confidently, "1952." To which he, always the accountant, asked, "Well, then how on earth can you be forty-nine?" I started to protest, but then the impact of his question hit me like a wheelbarrow full of bricks falling on the head of a stupid person. Somewhere along the line, I don't know when, I had omitted a year of my life. But my friend, with his mysterious ability to add and subtract had returned it to me. I got some nice sweaters this year, but how often do you get the gift of life? I'm only forty-eight! Screw maturity! Neener, neener, neener! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I recently spoke with a man who is tormented. He thinks he is tormented because he thinks he has a tormentor. He cannot think of a scenario wherein he leaves his tormentor and thus ends his torment. He thinks his only path to serenity is to destroy his tormentor. He thinks the appropriate weapon to accomplish this task is a lawyer. This got me to thinking that perhaps thinking was the real source of his torment. But how can that be? Don't we value thinking? Don't we worship great thinkers? How can this God-given gift that separates us from the animals be deemed a curse? Isn't the alternative to thinking, stupidity? Or is there another alternative? Ask yourself this question, "When I have a good idea, do I think my way to it, or does it just hit me?" Which brings me to the theme of this vanity card (finally). I'd like to suggest that we all have inspiration at our disposal at all times. How does inspiration work? How the hell would I know? I just know it's there. Nothing else but inspiration explains a great work of art, and nothing else but thinking could be responsible for making all those "Lethal Weapon" movies. I mentioned all this to the tormented man. I told him that perhaps he could find a solution to his troubles by quitting thinking and being open to inspiration. He said he thought I was a moron and threw his shoe at me. It just hit me. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I've got to share something with you. Every time I write a vanity card, I'm quietly astonished that I get away with putting these things on television every week. I mean think about it, at the end of every episode of Dharma & Greg I get two seconds to communicate whatever's on my mind directly to millions of people. This is a remarkable thing, folks. Secret messages from a sitcom writer using the most powerful medium the world has ever known. Sixty-six cards at two seconds a piece means I've received a total of two minutes and twelve seconds of broadcast time to THINK OUT LOUD. Do you know what that kind of time costs? You don't have to be Bill Gates' building contractor to see that they can't keep letting me get away with this. In fact, just writing this might be some sort of death wish. Number 66, the card that killed the cards. The card that never aired. In years to come, people will talk in hushed tones about the fabled #66. Its very existence will be debated. Did Lorre actually write #66? If he did, was it so inflammatory that the big boys pulled the plug on the whole deal? Could it be that the missing #66 held the vital clue to the puzzle, the enigma, that was Chuck Lorre (graduate thesis, anyone?), or is what happened far more mundane? Number 66 was read by the network censors. They thought it a meandering mixture of hubris and paranoia that lacked a good solid joke at the end, but otherwise containing nothing to merit keeping it off television. One thing's for sure, if you're reading this, you know the answer - but don't let that discourage you from talking about me in hushed tones. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As I write this I'm sitting in a big, dark cloud of anger. The feeling is highly energetic, almost electric, and, for some strange reason, seems to be most evident in my skin. The experience is vaguely uncomfortable and is dissipating slightly as I write these words. Thinking back, I see now that there was a brief moment when I had a choice as to how I would react to the situation that led to my current condition. I could have just as easily chosen resignation, or amusement, or even sadness. So the obvious question is why did I choose a destructive emotion? I suppose that on some deep, unconscious level I must be hard-wired to believe that anger is the appropriate response. Which leads to the next obvious question: how does one undo a damaging mental process that appears to be inextricably woven into the organism itself? Well, let me state right here, that burning it out doesn't work. God knows I've tried and therefore will not be running for public office anytime soon. Thinking it away (which I'm doing now), is terribly ineffective. And I'm certainly not ready to line up at the great pharmaceutical "happy" trough. So what then? Well, perhaps I could give my anger away. I know it sounds silly, but maybe silly is what's called for. Perhaps I could simply give my anger to everyone reading this vanity card... whoa, suddenly I'm feeling very affable. CAUTION: This is not a chain letter. Do not pass the anger on. Gently put it in a box, bury it in your backyard and blame it on the dog when no grass grows on that spot. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I DON'T HAVE A LOT TO SAY THIS WEEK SO I'VE WRITTEN REALLY BIG. I'M HOPING THE SHEER SIZE OF MY WORDS WILL MAKE UP FOR THE LACK OF MEANING IN THEM. SOMETIMES BIG CAN BE GOOD. THE GRAND CANYON IS GOOD. SOMETIMES BIG CAN BE BAD. WORLD WARS ARE BAD. I HOPE THIS IS GOOD, LIKE THE GRAND CANYON AND NOT BAD LIKE WAR. OKAY, THAT SHOULD DO IT. BYE, NOW. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I recently pierced the veil of a long-standing delusion which I had considered to be reality. The delusion was simply this: I thought people were deeply aware of me. I thought the things going on in my life - my work, relationships, problems, joys, thoughts, insights, attitudes, tastes, desires, fears, good hair days, bad hair days, choice of pants (that's right, choice of pants), etc. ad delusium, were all of some significance to other people. I'm not certain, but I think the delusion is a twisted sort of family heirloom, a neurotic hand-me-down of the fiercely-held immigrant desire to fit in, to be acceptable. Be that as it may, the impact of this hallucination has been a constant state of low-grade anxiety. While it's still a little early to tell, it appears that freedom from it will create an enormous sense of relief and... well... freedom. You people out there, kind and considerate though you may be, don't really give a rat's ass about my life. You give a rat's ass about your life. This means I need no longer obsess over what others think of me (they don't). This means that I am, much to my amazement, more or less invisible. But most importantly, this means that I can begin living a fearless, delusion-free life that is fundamentally true to my basic, God-given nature. All that's left to do is discover what kind of pants my basic, God-given nature looks good in.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 If you're reading this it means I failed to write a vanity card this week. Early in the season, recognizing that I was bound to miss a deadline sooner or later, I wrote this as sort of an emergency generic card. As such I have no idea when this will air. Which means that I have no clue as to what might have happened or might be happening while you're reading this. So... I'm just gonna have to wing it. First off, I want to congratulate Al Gore on a hard-won victory. What a hoot it was to see the vice-president dance the horah with Tipper at the inauguration. I'm also delighted that I took a deep breath and jumped into the stock market with both feet in August when it hit its all-time low. What a buying opportunity that turned out to be! And how about that Eminem country album, huh? It's a little dark, but man, it's all I've been playing in my car for two weeks now. Needless to say, we all mourn the passing of Howard Stern. And finally, the really big news - I know I'm going out on a limb here, but what if I'm right? -- who would have thought that we'd finally make contact with an alien race during halftime at the Super Bowl? Boy, that was a shocker. The Jets came back from a four touchdown deficit to pull off the upset of all time. Oh, Howard, I wish you could've been here with us to see it. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Interesting Dharma & Greg facts: In the first draft of the first script Greg had a teenage sister who was a pyromaniac. Also in that script was a scene where Dharma's dad was about to be arrested for plants growing on his property that he swore did not belong to him - while at the same time insisting he had a prescription for glaucoma. The first time I met Jenna was at a breakfast meeting. I ate before she arrived so she wouldn't see what a sloppy eater I was. The original inspiration for these vanity cards came from exec producer Bill Prady, who has also edited each and every one. There's no way I can confirm this, but I suspect Bill might be the smartest man in the world (edit that, buddy). In the first episode exec producer Don Foster came up with the immortal lines for Dharma, "Comb your frog," and, "Drive your coffee table to Idaho." I can't confirm this either, but I suspect Don might be a bodhisattva, a fully-realized soul who has voluntarily returned to the physical plane to help lesser souls achieve spiritual freedom. The actual premise of D&G was inspired by the Bruce Springsteen song "She's the One" on Born to Run (which has one of the great Bo Diddley riffs of all time). The first time I heard the word dharma was in 1968. The debut Jethro Tull album, (a killer album by the way, far superior to Aqualung) had a song entitled "Dharma for One." For the next twenty-five years I didn't know what the word meant. Now I do. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I've been told that we're only as sick as our secrets. I like the sound of that. It would make a particularly good bumper sticker here in Southern California. With that in mind I'd like to engage in a little vanity card therapy and reveal one of my deepest, darkest secrets. There've been times when the mere thought of this secret has nearly overwhelmed me with self-loathing. And yet, there've been other times when I actually took a perverse pride in it. So what is this personal bit of esoterica? I've got your attention now, don't I? You probably even skipped ahead to see if this is really juicy. Well, skip no further. My secret is this: I'm not that smart. Yup, there it is, dug up and thrown into the sunlight. Since I was a little kid I've known that (like it or not) there were an awful lot of people who had a lot more on the ball than I did. Oh, believe me, I've tried to suppress this awareness. I've tried to convince myself that I was special, that I was gifted. But I eventually learned that this secret could be my greatest asset. I learned that with enough bright friends even a dim bulb can light up a room. I like the sound of that. With enough bright friends even a dim bulb can light up a room. Someone ought to print that on a bumper sticker and slap it on Air Force One. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I guess it's not news to anyone that we've been getting clobbered in the ratings for the last few months. I have to tell you, it's been a very humbling experience. It's an experience that's caused many hours of self-reflection, self-doubt, and, on a few occasions, debilitating bouts of depression, rage, paranoia, and a mild lack of appetite - nothing unhealthy, I'm just not very hungry (mostly at night, but I think I sleep better on an empty stomach). My point is, we work really hard on this show and when we lose in the ratings it just plain hurts. There's nothing to be done about it except to sit in the pain and pray for it to pass. Of course you could call twenty friends and encourage them to watch the show. That might help. I'm not actually saying you should do that. But you could... if you cared. I'd do it for you. If I had twenty friends. And you had a show. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 To whom it may concern, We have taken Chuck Lorre hostage. Do not try to find him. Do not alert the authorities. Until our demands are met he will be held in a really nice house in Los Angeles where he'll be forced to eat rich foods and watch satellite TV with all the premium channels and pay-per-view. The following are a list of our demands: We must never again receive "official" letters from big political parties informing us we've been selected to be part of blue-ribbon panels that determine our country's future, provided we donate five grand to be so honored. Sometime, somewhere, in some city, an oriental rug store will have to actually go out of business. All salespeople in nice clothing stores who act like they're better than the people shopping in the store must take acting lessons from people who don't know anything about acting but know a good thing when they see one. This demand also applies to snooty waiters in nice restaurants. You have twenty-four hours to comply with these demands. Until then, Mr. Lorre will be forced to spend his nights sleeping on a very cushy bed that is dangerously close to a snoring dog with bad gas. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As I write this I'm being interviewed by Jeannie McDowell, a reporter for Time magazine. Jeannie's writing an article about comedy on television. She agreed to let me take notes of the interview for my vanity card, but I'm not sure she really knew what a vanity card was. Throughout the Q & A, I try to maintain a mildly-amusing, self-deprecating manner. When asked why TV comedies are struggling these days, I cleverly quip that maybe the problem lies in poor diet or lack of exercise - but I don't think she writes that down. When she asks about the proliferation of "dramadies," my response is immediate, sharp and insightful. But, neurotically afraid to offend, I hedge my bet by adding that maybe audiences prefer a show that succeeds at being amusing, rather than fails at being funny. I also mention that the media doesn't write treatises about movie comedies sucking because they're not shoved down our throats every week like bad TV shows are. Unfortunately, I can tell that's not a good sound bite - even for print, which requires, I guess, "print bites." I sense that the interview isn't going well so my mind begins to wander. I imagine a sitcom about a reporter for Time magazine who's interviewing a writer. He's a smart, sexy writer... 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As I write this there exists a substantial threat of strikes in the film and TV business - first from the writers guild, then from the actors guild. Well, I'd like to make a prediction. I predict that after all the yelling and finger-pointing is over, when the smoke finally clears, the single issue that will actually be the cause of these strikes will be... the internet. The folks who run the conglomerates that own the companies that produce the various entertainment products have seen the future. And that future, despite the NASDAQ's current problems, is the internet -- what's on it, who owns what's on it, and, most importantly, who profits from what's on it. As the future of this incredible, planetary network is being fought over, I can't help but think back to the first time I logged on in 1989. For a nominal sum, I signed up for Compuserve. If I recall correctly, I had 2400 baud. There was a dial tone, a horrible noise, then, miracle of miracles, a world of goofy teenagers chatting with each other via badly written sentences. I sat there and marvelled that my little computer was suddenly linked to other little computers in faraway places. I marvelled, then I logged off. It was incredibly slow and boring. Well, it's not slow and boring anymore. And it may put a lot of people out of work for a very long time. Which, IMHO, isn't a LOL situation. :>) 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Once again, I'm sitting in an impossibly bad mood. This one's gone beyond the normal mental stew of fear, depression and resentment, and has morphed into a nasty physical sensation encompassing my entire body. The reason for the mood is almost besides the point. To the best of my knowledge, I have no power to change the conditions which brought it about. Which leaves me where? Well, as far as I can tell, it leaves me with nothing but these ugly feelings, a desire to be free of them, and the knowledge that I have never been able to lift myself out of my emotional state through the force of my will (the force of bourbon, sure - but the force of my will, never). The only thing I have even the vaguest control over is my attitude which preceded the precipitating, bad mood-causing event. That attitude could best be described as a fiercely held conviction that people are supposed to behave in a Chuck-approved manner. When they don't, Chuck immediately becomes the organic repository for the aforementioned bad mood. Now one might deduce that my only escape from these foul states of mind is to discard my fiercely held conviction. But to do that, I'd have to lovingly accept a world that infrequently lives up to my expectations. In other words, I'd have to be somewhat God-like (assuming an all-forgiving God). Which means that in vanity card #78 I'll have to start working on a plan 'B'. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I was told last night that I absolutely must have a vanity card ready by this morning. Well, here it is, morning, and I'm scrambling to compose something worthy of my weekly, two-second blast of self-indulgence. As I ramble into the third sentence I remain clueless as to what my theme or motif might be. Of course, my lack of theme might be exactly what I'm looking for. Perhaps this is more of a jazz-style vanity card. A riff. An improvisation that strips words of their meanings and hurls them at the reader like cascading arpeggios from a tenor sax as played by a guy with a porkpie hat and a nasty predilection for a major export of Southeast Asia. BEGIN RHYTHM SECTION: Shotgun Momma with more than she needs to get the job done. Smoke-colored dogs running from a gasoline alley. Perfect. Talk to me about the brutality of your skin. As you walk away... END RHYTHM SECTION WITH CYMBAL CRASH PLAYED WITH BRUSH. Cool. We'll be back in twenty. Don't forget to tip your waitress. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that I suffer from two fundamental forms of fear: fear of not getting what I want, and fear of losing what I have. In that both stem from actual or "perceived" threats to my actual or "perceived" survival, I also believe that both aspects of fear are derived from my underlying fear of my actual or "perceived" death. It would then follow that a good deal of my daily anxiety is a result of my faulty perception. And by faulty perception I mean, "wow, am I a whack job or what?" Which leaves me with only two possible solutions regarding fear - change my perception, or, failing that, ignore my perception. The reason I bring this up is that in the ever-widening world of self-improvement, I never see "ignoring yourself" offered up as a viable solution to problems of the mind. And yet, it works! Next time your head is filled with anxious thoughts, simply take note of it, thank your mind for trying to ensure your survival, then act as if you just got a stock tip from a homeless person. Of course, ignoring fear messages no longer applies if you're standing in line at the post office and the guy behind you is hiding something beneath a large overcoat and audibly talking to God. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Okay, I don't know about you but I'm impressed. Eighty vanity cards! C'mon, that's really something. As a general rule, the only time I ever do anything with the number eighty attached to it is play fifteen holes of golf. But I can now look back with pride on having had the discipline and creativity to communicate something of value eighty times. Now I know some of you are thinking the phrase "something of value" might be overstated. Well, may I remind you, I've always had the option to create a vanity card which had value only to to me (a photo of my dog drinking from the toilet springs to mind). Instead, I chose to wrestle words into some sort of meaningful form... eighty times. Have I been successful? That will have to be determined by people who haven't written eighty vanity cards. What remains indisputable, however, is that the deed is done. Eighty vanity cards can be read, relished, or rejected. I now have something in common with the legendary author, Jules Verne. He wrote a story entitled, Around The World In Eighty Days. I wrote eighty vanity cards. At this rate, it won't be long before I have something in common with secret agent Maxwell Smart's beautiful partner and a lot of bottles of beer on the wall. Oh, that'll be a vanity card to remember. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Exhausted... can't form sentences... wrapping D&G, shooting two pilots, moving Mom, learning to dance, planning a wedding... must get help... so tired... can't go on like this... need to sleep... evil secret... hoping for strike... so physically depleted my face hurts... yeah, I know, it hurts you too, ha ha, aren't you clever... seem to get cranky for no reason at all... newfound conviction that I can play piano like Herbie Hancock... bad sign... can't play piano at all... over-using ellipses... Dammit, why is her nose shiny?! Where the hell is makeup?!... Wondering whether I'm paranoid in thinking that an overdue phone call is the first sign of the apocalypse... gleefully looking forward to long plane ride in reclining seat... Dim awareness that all this shall pass... fight or flight... or fandango... uh-oh... language skills slipping away... must finish vanity card before power belt loses charge... must close with joke... knock, knock, who's... oh, dear God, the phone's ringing! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Gone fishin'. Well, not really. I don't particularly care for fishin'. I enjoy a nice piece of fish, but not fishin' per se. I suppose I could've said "gone nappin'," but that doesn't sound quite right. There will be moments when I'm quite conscious. Other phrases I considered were "out to lunch," but you can see the problem there. So, for the time being, we'll just stick with the fishing metaphor, ignore its dated quality, yet take the time to relish its timeless intent. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The first time I got married I was twenty-six years old. I wasn't nervous. I was filled with certainty as to the rightness of my decision. I was centered and calm and blissfully unaware of all the challenges that lay ahead. My consciousness was completely unaware of my own shortcomings and how they would spring up at a later date to do what they do best. In short, I was twenty-six and dumber than soup. As I write this I'm well into my forty-eighth year and preparing to marry for the second time. The event is scheduled to begin eight hours from now. I find it amusing that this time I'm riddled with fear to the point of mind-numbing disassociation. A zombie with a tux. Of course I have to assume that this difference in my awareness is a result of the extensive knowledge I now possess of both my defects of character and the pitfalls of relationships. I have to assume that. I really do. In the meantime, my plan for the rest of the day is to wander around with a goofy smile and try not to bump into the furniture. When it's finally time to walk down the aisle, I feel fairly confident that I'll be having an out-of-body experience as well as an inability to recognize my closest relatives. The good news in all this is I'm deeply in love with the bride. The bad news is... well, there is no bad news, unless you count the goofy smile. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In certain cultures people greet each other with a little bow and their hands pressed together in a prayer position. This is meant to convey that one acknowledges the divinity in the other. In our culture we greet each other by shaking hands, a gesture meant to convey the cheery thought, "See? I'm not holding a weapon." Personally, I like the divinity "hi, how are ya" a lot better. In fact, sometimes I like to walk down the street and remind myself that each and every person I see is of divine origin and on a journey that is unique, profound, tragic, joyous and, to them, immensely important (airports are also good for this exercise). Now that's not to say that I don't often consider others as being mere speed bumps on my little drive through life. I just find that when I make the slightest effort to acknowledge that spark of divinity in the people I meet, I feel better. Life is less threatening. I feel safer. More inclined to being open and loving. More inclined to leave the safety on. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 This is my fourth attempt at writing this vanity card. My first attempt was a not-very-witty "welcome back" sort of thing. You know the type. I've done them at the start of earlier D&G seasons and thought it might again bear fruit. Needless to say, fruit was not borne. I then tried my hand at a cute little essay on workaholism and its psychic roots in my painfully juvenile demand for admiration. I think we can all agree that no more need be said about that (actually quite a bit can be said about it, but nothing I want to share with strangers who might taunt me in public). Then, seeing as how I'm currently sitting in a plane flying across the country, I took a feeble pass at how I feel simultaneously powerless and awestruck when strapped into a slender metal tube that is soaring through the sky. During this last piece I never actually wrote the word "sophomoric," but a thin, nasal voice in my head kept repeating it over and over. And finally, I tried to make sense of my new position on D&G as a consultant, while at the same time wrestling with the cultural implications and definition of the word "has-been." (For the record, I defined a has-been as a someone who did something which resulted in their becoming a somebody, but then stopped doing it, causing them to revert to being a someone, which is not nearly as good as a somebody.) It should come as no surprise that I was soundly defeated in this semantic battle as well. Which leaves me with no vanity card this week. I just hope you know I tried. I really, really tried. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Depression. Sadness. Grief. The blues. Self-pity. Melancholy. Regret. Remorse. Low. Broken-hearted. Down-trodden. Morose. These are but a few of the words that come to mind when trying to describe my mood as of late. Now before you call a suicide prevention number on my behalf, please know that I am aware that the condition these words describe will pass. The problem as I see it is not the condition but the feeling implied by my gloomy list of words (I can't believe I forgot to put 'gloomy' on the list). The feeling is so bad that my tendency in the past has been to feel anger whenever sadness threatened, for the simple reason that sadness feels worse than anger. Anger at least can flow outwards. Sadness flows in. On the other hand, anger generates road rage and getting your head caved in by a guy in a pickup truck with a tire iron, while sadness inspires you to watch unbelievably bad TV to distract you from feeling sadness. And, of course, both sadness and anger stem from fear - fear of losing what you have or fear of not getting what you want. And fear stems from the tightly-held belief that what you have and/or want is even remotely important. To be fearless is to be free from desire - even desire for one's own life. Don't get me wrong, I'm not even close to that consciousness. Heck, as soon as I finish this vanity card I'll probably go watch the Oxygen Channel. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The following should've been vanity card #86. Sorry - Chuck Lorre I was nothin' but angry, lost and on the run, 'til I stumbled and hit my knees, under the California sun. Found love on Haight Street, where an angel shared with me, the secret of happiness... one and one is three. Now my angel was made from, pure Wisconsin light, she said we would have a son, I said no, that can't be right. She laughed and showed me, the deepest mystery, the numbers of heaven. One and one is three. One and one is three. One and one is three. One thing about angels, they ain't always right, we had a little baby girl, made from San Francisco light. We called her Dharma, 'cause the truth was plain to see, the miracle of life, one and one is three. One and one is three. One and one is three.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Perhaps it's part of our basic nature to drift into a waking dream state when there are no serious threats on the horizon. Perhaps that's why the universe is constructed as a dangerous universe - to keep us awake. Maybe God felt it was redundant for the creatures inside his/her/its dream to be dreaming as well. If that's the case, the plan is working, my dream is over. In this dream, I lived in an invulnerable fortress, safe from the misery, ignorance, jealousy, hatred and chaos that surrounded it. I dreamt that the minutiae of my life was important. I dreamt that I could make my little plans. I dreamt that everyone was essentially playing by the same rules. And finally, I dreamt that my dream was reality. Which is why I feel a strange tinge of gratitude bubbling under my grief, fear and rage. I'm grateful to be even a little awake. The way I figure it, this is a miraculous universe, but also a remarkably dangerous one. Sleepwalking is ill-advised. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I don't know about you, but my fundamental character flaws are so deeply embedded in my consciousness, it actually feels as if they're entwined with the strands of my DNA. Lately I like to imagine that as a child I was a sort of brand new, meat-based computer that had an operating system installed with big, whopping design problems. The result is that when my scanning mechanisms bring in data from my environment, I invariably process that data in ways that do not reflect reality. Example: I walk into a room that contains people. They are speaking amongst themselves and laughing. My immediate computational response is summed up by a voice in my head which says, "They're laughing at me. Why are they laughing at me? I hate them." Or: I see, hear or read about someone who has achieved great success in my field. My organic computer processes this info and spits out, "Danger! Danger! Survival is threatened!" Are these fundamental character flaws? You betcha! Taken to an extreme this sort of thinking can cause a lot of suffering -- and not just to me. In my rare moments of mental and emotional clarity I've come to realize that this is an unavoidable part of who I am. The trick now is to overcome or at least soften my flaws before I'm sent back to the factory as damaged goods. Example: When I wrongly think I'm the center of the universe and my problems take precedence over the problems of others, I pause and say to myself, "Error. You are useless, ugly and unworthy of being loved." At which point I say, "Why should I listen to you? A broken computer can't repair a broken computer." At which point I put myself into sleep mode before the whole system crashes. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I wrote what I thought was a particularly clever essay for my ninetieth vanity card. Unfortunately, you can't read it because it did not make it past the censor. Apparently it was considered to be disrespectful towards certain unnamed people I dubbed "corporate overlords." Upon re-reading it I can understand how one might view it that way. I guess I was hoping that those in power would simply laugh at my juvenile irreverence and that would be the end of it. "Oh, that Chuck! What a wild and iconoclastic sense of humor he has!" (In my in imagination when they speak about me all their sentences end with exclamations because just the thought of me excites them.) Anyway, the premise of my now dead essay was that I wielded immense leverage as a result of a large, devoted, cult-like group of vanity card readers who could, when sent into action by me, positively influence the ratings of D & G. This personal leverage could then be used to force the unnamed power brokers to negotiate with me "on my terms." The big funny of the essay was that I had no idea what "my terms" might be. I visualized a scenario wherein I sat in a boardroom eating deli sandwiches with important people who "trembled" at my ability to command vast legions of TV viewers through my vanity cards. Hopefully when my time here on Earth has drawn to an end, the original draft of number ninety will be discovered and cherished by generations as yet unborn. But until that day, this card will have to do. Number ninety with an asterisk. Unless of course this card gets axed because it too fails to meet broadcast standards. Okay, let me quickly mention that "corporate overlords" is what we in the TV business say when referring to people with big hearts and even bigger senses of humor. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Do you ever feel like you're experiencing a powerful and terrifying shift in your fundamental consciousness? Do you ever have thoughts that horrify you? Oh, dear God, was that me who just thought that evil thought? Do you ever open your eyes in the morning and wonder if you're the same person who went to sleep the night before? Do you ever think, "Aw, screw it. Why do I even try? What's the point? Everything always goes to hell anyway." Do you ever wonder if the guy bringing you your soup hates your guts because he has to wait on you and pretend to be pleasant all the while knowing in his heart that he's a better man than you and his current servile status is final proof of an unjust universe? Do you ever think, "People are only nice to me because they want something?" Do you ever think, "I'm only being nice to this person because I want something?" Well, the reason I bring all this up is to reassure you that I don't. Just thought you'd like to know... although I can't help but feel that you're not particularly happy for me. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Forgive me if I've been through this before, but I feel it needs repeating: my mind is not my friend. Its ability to look into the environment, perceive "what is" and relate it back to me here at Chuck Central, is depressingly inadequate. As a result, I find myself listening to this sort of interior dialogue: "Hmm, the people I work for want to have a meeting with me on Monday regarding my new script. They probably want to tell me they don't like it. They'll tell me that because they're power-hungry and if they like it they have no power. Power is derived from not liking it and forcing changes. Maybe I should just call them now, tell them I'm sick and tired of the endless politics, and quit. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll quit and write movies... that will never be produced. I'll wind up one of those bitter, old guys who sits around the union hall, playing pinochle and complaining about how lousy TV comedy is and how much better it was in my day. So, no, I won't quit, but I won't take any of their stupid notes either. Besides, I don't know how to play pinochle. Here's what I'll do -- I'll be a prima donna. I'll be insanely difficult. Or, better yet, I'll simply roll over and do whatever is asked of me. Covert apathy, that's the ticket! They can't get to you if you don't care! By Monday morning, after a weekend of this sort of cerebral noise, I was ready to lash out at the slightest provocation. "Chuck, would you like some coffee?" "Screw you! I quit!!!" To my great surprise, they like the script. My mouth humbly uttered the words, "Thanks, but it still needs a lot of work," while my mind maliciously whispered to me, "They're lying. Learn to play pinochle." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When someone loves you, do you really feel their love? To feel their love you'd have to assume that there are 'love particles' (or waves) that radiate from person to person. If you believe that then you'd have to believe that movie stars are constantly bombarded by a warm, fuzzy feeling as a result of the worldwide emanations of love flowing toward them. Trust me, they feel bombarded, but not by the warm and the fuzzy. Or try this: When you look at your beloved and feel that special feeling, does your beloved look up from their oatmeal and realize they're the lucky recipient of your love? It is my contention that if they did look up, the only thing they'd realize is that there's a big gob of oatmeal on their pajamas. I would also contend that their only inkling that you love them is when you smile and say, "Honey, would you like me to make you some oatmeal?" And that wouldn't actually be feeling love as much as inferring love (she cooked me oatmeal, she smiled at me, my mother cooked me oatmeal, my mother smiled at me, my mother said she loved me, ergo she loves me). My guess is that when you're feeling loved, what you're actually feeling is the love you have for the other person. That's good news, right? If all we ever wanted was to be loved, the key to that love was in our hands the entire time. To feel love, give love. Simple. Or, if you prefer, spend all your time becoming famous so you can be bombarded with 'love particles' while you're checking into a rehab facility in the desert. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 If you saw our Thanksgiving episode you might have noticed that we had a bit of fun at the expense of Fort Wayne, Indiana. It is my sincere hope that this vanity card will help to unruffle any Hoosier feathers by stating that the only city worthy of comic derision is a city of substance - a city that was ranked in the nation's top ten to "Earn and Save Money" in the year 2000. A city that was ranked 21st in the top 50 U.S. Best Small Metro Areas for Growing and Starting a Business by Inc. Magazine. A city that, like a rose, smells as sweet when it's called The City of Restaurants, the Gateway to the West, Summit City, City of Churches, The Happiest City, The City That Saved Itself and the All American City. A city that is the birth place of the man without whom there'd be no Honeymooners, no Roots, no I Love Lucy, and no Chuck Lorre Vanity Cards, the inventor of television, Philo T. Farnsworth! And finally, a city that is home to a number of Exec. Producer Bill Prady's relatives. Which, to be perfectly honest, is the main reason we picked Fort Wayne and picked on it. So Bill can go to family re-unions, tell everyone that the episode where Dharma and Greg go on a romantic holiday and get stranded in Fort Wayne was his idea and then "humbly" accept their good-natured, finger-wagging acclaim. Hey, you know what? Why am I doing this? You got a problem with the story, call Prady. But don't bother wagging your finger at him, he gets off on that. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Procrastination is the thief of time. I had a fifth grade teacher named Mr. Penzel who taught me that saying. I never forgot it. I also never put it to good use because here it is Sunday night and this vanity card is due tomorrow. Mr. P also taught me that "fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me" thing. Of course that saying neglected to mention that throughout my life the one person most likely to fool me would be me, so it too proved to be somewhat limited in its effectiveness. In addition to clever little axioms, Mr. Penzel tried to teach me to think for myself, to have the courage to be unique, to rebel against the status quo. During the height of Beatlemania (and it was most definitely a mania) he mischievously tried to get our class to embrace a "we hate the Beatles" attitude. He failed. But let me tell you, asking a bunch of thirteen-year-olds in 1964 to even consider not being part of a youth phenomenon like the Beatles was as iconoclastic as you could get. It's funny, I don't remember what I ate for breakfast yesterday, but I vividly remember Mr. Penzel, short, dark-haired, almost impish, putting up a new "wise saying" every Monday on the small bulletin board near the door, directly below the clock. It took me thirty-seven years to realize that he put it there because he knew that's where we were looking most of the time. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Sitting on my desk are several week's worth of show biz trade papers. On the cover of each paper is a request that I consider an actor or movie for an Oscar nomination. The ones I find most touching are Reese Witherspoon, best actress for Legally Blonde, and Drew Barrymore, best actress for Riding in Cars with Boys. In Drew's ad, Gene Shallit of the Today Show calls her "a meritorious actress," while in Reese's ad, Susan Wloszczyna of the NY Observer says she "serves justice in delicious fashion." That, my friends, is high praise indeed. Personally, I hope they're both nominated, and then tie for the win. That way no one's feelings will be hurt, Mr. Shallit and Ms. Wloszczyna's plaudits will not have been in vain, and Oscar night will be truly memorable. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The sun rises, the sun sets The seasons change Rivers flow Leaves fall It's raining somewhere Spiders make webs Fish eat each other Babies are born Stars are born People and stars get old then stop getting old All this happens and more day after day after day At no time am I consulted  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 It's funny how writing takes you down roads you never imagined travelling. When I began this vanity card I had what I thought were several sophisticated themes worth delving into. One dealt with the quantum physics discovery that the very act of observing a phenomenon changes the phenomenon. Another explored how I might behave if all my problems were suddenly and mysteriously solved (my contention was that I would obsessively create more problems almost immediately). And still a third premise discussed the always popular ideas of self-love and self-forgiveness. My premise here was that these sorts of concepts are inherently flawed and potentially destructive in that they deal with the individual as something that is split in half: the forgiver and the forgiven, the lover and the beloved. But in the end I managed to abandon all my heady themes the minute I realized the deep personal significance of this card number. I was thirteen years old when "Get Smart" debuted in 1965. I thought it was hilarious and had an immediate and massive crush on Agent 99. To further complicate matters, I was tormented by the knowledge that 99 had a crush on 86 (Maxwell Smart). Thankfully, 86 was moronically oblivious to her affections, so I retained a childish hope that one day she would be mine. Needless to say, my love remained unrequited. But it was not in vain. Thirty-seven years later that innocent boyhood crush would bear fruit as vanity card #99. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A hundred vanity cards on the Web, a hundred vanity cards, download one, then son-of-a-gun, ninety-nine vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-nine vanity cards on the Web, ninety-nine vanity cards, write one at a time, and one day you'll find, ninety-eight vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-eight vanity cards on the Web, ninety-eight vanity cards, witty or not, it's all that I've got, ninety-seven vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-seven vanity cards on the Web, ninety-seven vanity cards, did 'em for free, oh, woe is me, ninety-six vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-six vanity cards on the Web, ninety-six vanity cards, a few about bliss, but more were like this, ninety-five vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-five vanity cards on the Web, ninety-five vanity cards, how often I'd stall, with no beers on the wall, ninety-four vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-four vanity cards on the Web, ninety-four vanity cards, insightful or grave, and one about Dave, ninety-three vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-three vanity cards on the Web, ninety-three vanity cards, there's not much more room, so this'll end soon, ninety-two vanity cards on the Web. Ninety-two vani 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The following are my opening remarks in a speech I made at a fund-raising dinner for a free clinic in Los Angeles. As I began speaking I could hear the audience gasp at the darkness of my story (a true story by the way). Thankfully, when I arrived at the end, the somber mood was broken. I hope it has the same effect as a vanity card. "In 1976, when I was very ill with ulcerative colitis, weighed 120 pounds and was without any health insurance, I went to the old Cedars of Lebanon hospital and was given free medical attention by allowing myself to be what was essentially a lab rat for their teaching program. What I didn't know at the time, was that the incredible pain and humiliation of receiving a colonoscopy in front of a classroom of medical students was perfect preparation for writing and producing 'Roseanne', 'Grace Under Fire' & 'Cybill'. It's good I spoke after dinner, isn't it?"  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In an early draft of the very first episode of Dharma & Greg, Dharma's last name was Lowenstein; Greg had an angry and neurotic sister named Penny; Greg's father was romantically involved with a beautiful Swedish au pair named Gjerta; Greg's mother was a lush; Dharma's best friend was named Veronica; Dharma and Greg never go to a baseball game or Reno for pie but they do go to a local coffee shop where they deal with a sarcastic waitress named Connie who has every laugh in the scene; Dharma nobly offers Greg an annulment; Dharma's dad tries to convince some policemen that the pot on his property is not his (and if it was it would be legal since he has glaucoma); and finally, Greg arrives to refuse the annulment and save Mr. Lowenstein. I bring this up as a way of reminding myself that I get deeply attached to things I write (in this case co-write) and become fiercely resistant to change, even though I know from experience that every thing I've ever done got better with each successive draft. Taken a step further, perhaps this obsessive drive to protect an early draft is a microcosmic view of the struggle to resist evolution on a macro scale. Perhaps the struggle to resist is an essential part of the process. Perhaps the human race is merely an early draft, a minor blip in an inexorable and endless process of cosmic re-writes. But I digress. Gjerta? Whoa, what were we thinking. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Tell your friends, family, co-workers, and strangers who at first glance might seem threatening to watch the show! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The following are a few questions I've been wrestling with: Who decided that trendy mens' footwear should look like bowling shoes? When did charming start passing for funny? Aren't we as a nation sophisticated enough to hunt down and kill our enemies without constantly referring to them as "evil"? Shouldn't people who drive those monster sports utility vehicles be required to take a truck-driving test? And while we're on the subject, what does it say about us as a civilized and compassionate society when we allow our children to drive at the age of sixteen? What does it say about us as a civilized and compassionate society when Jay consistently beats Dave? Are we almost done with entertainment based on humiliation, teenage girls singers, prefab boy bands and rap, or is this an eternal punishment? Shouldn't fashion models look a little like us? And finally, why can't I shake the feeling that the infinite emptiness that gnaws at my soul and refuses to be filled by any external means is the secret engine that drives our entire culture? I eagerly await your answers. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 It seems to me, in brief moments of clarity, that the only way to proceed is with a tub of popcorn, a good seat and a willingness to be surprised, delighted, horrified, amused and/or bored as I watch the play unfold, while simultaneously being grateful for having been given a bit part. The upside to this way of thinking is increased compassion for the other bit players, a sense of perspective as to one's true size, and a release from suffering. The downside, as previously stated, is this way of "thinking" is brief and I spend most of my time complaining bitterly that the popcorn does not have real butter flavoring. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The Buddha taught that the first principle of existence is impermanence. Absolutely everything in this universe is impermanent. Impermanence creates uncertainty. I don't know about you, but I have a very low tolerance for uncertainty. Uncertainty causes me discomfort. Discomfort causes me to think stupid things. Stupid thoughts cause me to take stupid actions. My stupid actions bring about unfortunate results. Luckily, the unfortunate results are impermanent. Is this a great universe or what? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When Dharma was cancelled my heart was broken. Over the next few years my efforts to mend it by creating a new show led to an even deeper emotional nadir when I noticed that I had somehow become the author of a seemingly endless succession of failed pilots and pilot scripts. This was not a big enough string of stinkers to lower AOL-Time Warner's stock price (that had already been done by people more incompetent than myself), but my ill-advised attempts at heart-mending were sufficient enough to cause people in suits to not look up from their cobb salads when I ambled into the WB commissary (in Hollywood even has-beens amble). But I was indomitable. I kept writing... and failing... and ambling. And then, about a year ago, my good friend and favorite cross-to-bear, Lee Aronsohn, told me he needed to write something fairly quickly in order to keep his Writer's Guild health insurance. Everyone - friends, agents, execs - told me not to get involved. They assured me that I was too big, too successful, for such a partnership. You see where this is going. Lee and I wrote "Two and a Half Men." Which brings me to the glaringly obvious spiritual lesson in all this. How do you mend a broken heart? The Bee Gee's never figured it out, but I did. You help a friend keep their health insurance from lapsing. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The Two and a Half Men Pledge: We assume an intelligent audience holding remote controls. The only laughter you will hear is the laughter of real people. We will do no "very special" episodes. Nobody's having a baby. No one's getting married. Someone is getting divorced. Our characters are flawed, yet smart. The kid is, and will remain, a real kid. There will be no bachelor auctions. No one's getting stranded in a cabin or stuck in an elevator. There will be no dream sequences, talent shows, or fantasies.... at least in the first season. Ditto for homages to "Rashomon", "It's a Wonderful Life", and "A Christmas Carol". A car horn or other random noise will never be used to cleverly disguise naughty words. We will never have a character enter a scene if it reminds us of Lenny and Squiggy. Pop culture reference jokes are cheap, easy and date the show. We will not do them. There will be no pedantic, socially conscious stories. No matter how poignant the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going, "ahhh". Similarly, no matter how titillating the moment, we will never broadcast our studio audience going "wooo!". If we see 'it' coming we assume you see 'it' coming and we will therefore do our utmost to avoid 'it'. No fat jokes (unless they're really, really funny). The same goes for penis jokes. And finally, unless Chuck gets hit by a bus and Lee takes over, there will be no wacky scenes with little people or night-vision goggles. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 THE DREAM: I'm in a cemetery, attending a funeral. I'm not sure whose it is. My mother, who died a year ago, is there - alive but not well. We leave the funeral and I take her back to a place I used to live that is now unfurnished and cold. There is no food there. I leave her there anyway. I then find myself shopping in a supermarket while holding a baby swaddled in a blanket. The supermarket is run by young people. They play rock music too loudly for a supermarket and seem to be having a good time. I keep losing the baby, putting it down and forgetting where I put it. I select two items and go to the checkout stand where I'm told that one of the items, some sort of raisin bread, is very expensive. I tell the check-out girl I don't want the raisin bread and then realize I've lost the baby again. Thankfully I find the baby but then decide I can't leave my mother in an empty house. I hurry off to bring her back to where I now live, a comfortable home with all the amenities. MY ANALYSIS: The funeral is for my inauthentic self. The self that's been conditioned by parents, culture and environment to survive by whatever means necessary. It is a frightened, angry thing which I'm just now realizing is not my true identity. My mother played a powerful role in its formation. I take her to a barren place because I have not been able to confront nor integrate her influence into my consciousness. The baby is my authentic self. The essential soul that exists before conditioning. I alone am responsible for that self's well-being and am constantly abandoning it in favor of the illusory comfort of the false self. The supermarket is filled with food, music and youthful energy which symbolizes the wisdom, creativity and vitality which nurtures the soul. There is a high price to pay for these things. It is the price of freedom. I balk at paying that price. Finally, I retrieve my mother and bring her back to the nice house, which means I'm ready to bring her influence in my life up to a conscious level. CONCLUSION: My wakeful thinking is not drenched in metaphor, therefore the dream must have originated from some eternal source of compassionate wisdom, or, I shouldn't read books about Jungian psychology before I go to sleep. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When I was in the shower this morning, I thought: If we assume a Big Bang beginning of the universe, then every molecule, every atom, every proton, every electron, every quark, every wavelength, every vibration, every multi-dimensional string, every everything that makes up everything else shares an ineffable property of pre-Bang Oneness. Assuming that, then every everything is always moving in one of two directions: either away from that primordial state, or returning towards it. We feel these quantum movements. Moving away is experienced as loneliness, fear, anger and despair. Returning is experienced as one or more of the infinite variations and gradations of what we call love. Now, while some might say that equating the miracle of human feelings to the meandering of sub-atomic bric-a-brac robs them of their mystery, the truth is quite the opposite. Connecting our fundamental experience of life to the great mystery of existence ties us to the eternal within our every waking moment. We are not separate. We are made of the same stuff that existed at the beginning and will exist at the end. Therefore, the question we must each ask ourselves is simple: "In what direction am I moving today - towards oneness, or away from it?" When I was done reflecting on this, I stepped out of the shower, toweled off, and, while glancing at the mirror, pondered a new thought: "I have a pretty nice ass for a guy my age." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Every so often I'm hit with an overwhelming urge to write. An inchoate feeling wells up inside me and demands to substantiate itself through the power of words. When I sat down to write this vanity card, I was in the grip of just such a feeling. Thankfully, it has passed. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 NO NEED TO FREEZE- FRAME THIS ONE! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 FOR IMMEDIATE PRESS RELEASE: A WHITE KNIGHT FOR DISNEY! Sources in Hollywood announced today that Chuck Lorre has made a friendly bid to purchase the Disney Company. His all cash offer of five million dollars (in small bills) plus an S500 Mercedes with only 34,000 miles, Braebus rims and a tricked-out sound system, combined with his successful track record of writing, producing and creating hits for ABC (Roseanne, Grace Under Fire, Dharma & Greg) offers the Disney stockholders an opportunity to escape the clutches of cable giant Comcast. Should his offer be accepted, Lorre plans to create a major motion picture based on the "Teacup" ride and the ride with the fake hippos in the water. As far as ABC was concerned, Lorre said creating hits for network TV is a very difficult proposition but he doubted that he could do much worse than that "Are You Hot" thing. In exchange for rescuing Disney, his only demand was that he be allowed to run the company part-time. His reasoning being that he loves writing and producing Two and a Half Men. He did indicate that he would come in on the weekends to read scripts and approve price increases at the theme parks. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 AN OPEN LETTER TO THE BOARD OF DISNEY If you are indeed seeking new leadership, I urge you to think outside the box. And what's outside the box? Me. Overlooking for the moment my ill-fated attempt to buy your company outright, I would like you to now consider me as an appropriate choice for CEO. What are my qualifications? Well, to begin with, I own a beautiful Zegna suit and I know where to buy more (this may sound silly but let's face it, half the job is lookin' CEOish). I am in awe of Harvey Weinstein and Steve Jobs and will act like a slavish sycophant in all my dealings with them (at least until I get a deal to write and direct a quirky movie for Miramax about a troubled sitcom writer and a Mac G-5 from Jobs at dealer's cost). While we're on the subject of key corporate relationships, I will also make every effort to get along with Roy for the simple reason that he looks so much like his uncle it's spooky. I think internationally (e.g. I will make a respectful, but action-packed buddy movie about Krishna and Buddha which won't open big in the U.S. but will do boffo box office in parts of the world where there are lots of people). I will be a real team leader and encourage our network execs to make TV shows that don't suck. I will lessen our reliance on minimum wage teenagers dancing around dressed as big-headed, cartoon characters. I'm not a big hockey fan but I'll keep the Ducks going because as a professional comedy writer I understand the importance of the word "puck", not to mention the inherent laughs that come with big guys on skates hitting each other with sticks. And finally, to demonstrate my comprehension of corporate synergy, I will immediately commission thrilling new roller-coasters to be built in Anaheim that incorporate elements of two legendary ABC series, Dharma & Greg and Grace Under Fire (I can personally guarantee that the Grace ride will be very scary). 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I just wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for watching the show. I know that for many of you, particularly those who go to the trouble of reading my vanity cards, a real and continuous effort is being made to support what we're doing. So this is my little attempt at reaching out and saying how truly grateful I am. It's hard to grasp the idea that roughly sixteen million people watch each episode. But, according to the statistics, that is the astonishingly large audience we're getting every week. The fact that much larger audiences turn out to watch derivative, soulless singers being humiliated by a panel of unqualified dildos, or a bunch of pathetic shmucks jumping around like spider monkeys on crank to get a make-believe job with a goofy-haired guy on the brink of bankruptcy, does not lessen my profound gratitude. The fact that a few TV critics, who would probably eat a hole through their loved ones and crawl through if it meant they could get my job, insist on ignoring or denigrating our success, does not diminish my joy. I am a man who knows how to cherish the blessings that have been bestowed on him. And I just wanted to say so. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Hi, I'm Lee Aronsohn, co-creator of "Two and a Half Men". When Chuck invited me to borrow his card for this one episode, I jumped at the chance. I mean, I've been in the business for over 25 years but I've never had a vanity card. It's not that I lack vanity, it's just that the cards themselves have eluded me. And now that the time has finally come, guess what? I actually can't think of a thing to say. It's like, you wait and wait for something but then when you finally get it you don't know exactly what to do with it. Fear takes over. What if I embarrass myself? I only get one shot. If I blow it, my humiliation will be preserved on videotape and other digital media for decades to come. You know, I was never very good with pressure - that's why I decided not to go to law school. Well, that and the fact that my grades kind of sucked. But I digress. What I need here is a really profound thought - something which expresses a unique aspect of my personal philosophy. Okay, how about this: Contrary to conventional wisdom, time is not a dimension. In fact, time does not, in itself, exist. 'Time' is simply the name we give to one aspect of the ever-changing relationship between moving objects in the universe. If nothing moved, there would be no time. Hence, 'time travel' is a meaningless concept and I will never be able to go back and avoid having written for 'Charles In Charge'. Thank you, and good night. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Let me explain. I was born Charles Michael Levine and went by the name Chuck Levine until I was twenty-six years old. The reason I changed my name was simple. My mother, never a fan of my father's family, had an unfortunate habit of using Levine as a stinging insult. When displeased with me, she would often say/shriek, "You know what you are? You're a Levine! A no good, rotten Levine!" So, for as far back as I can remember, every time I heard my last name I would experience acute feelings of low self-esteem. Whenever roll was called in school I would sit in quiet dread as the teacher ticked off the L's: "Labianca, Lepkowitz... Levine - Arghhh!" My first wife was the one who suggested I change my name to remedy the situation. In fact, it was she who came up with the name Lorre, complete with the fancy spelling. I thought it sounded great. Chuck Lorre. Charles Michael Lorre. Finally a name that did not make me squirm. It didn't occur to me that in England my new name translated into Chuck Truck. Nor did I realize that the famous actor, Peter Lorre, was mostly famous for playing smarmy, closeted gay guys (not that there's anything wrong with it). But most interestingly, I had completely forgotten that when I was around eight years old my father's business began to fail, forcing my mother to find work in a clothing store called... Lorie's. Pretty creepy, huh? Did I abandon my father's name only to unconsciously name myself after a place associated with my mother's abandonment of me? Or, even creepier, did my ex-wife somehow know all this and propose the name Lorre just to screw with me. Hmmm... I was a no good, rotten husband so I certainly had it coming.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 There are moments when I feel driven to tear through the sitcom surface of things and expose the rage, fear, greed, envy and lust that quietly fester in the shadows of my being. In order to accommodate these dark, corrosive feelings, I've decided to use my vanity card to begin writing a novel. The book will be a work-in-progress. This means you will often come across passages that will be re-written or simply thrown out. You will also join me in occasional episodes of writer's block and/or lethargy which bring the entire process to a grinding halt. A word of caution, I have never written a book before and fear I'm not up to the task. Of course part of that fear may stem from the fact that as I write these words, I don't know what the book is about. I just know it will have no easy jokes; just the bitter, hurtful truth that is our daily human condition. With that said, I now present chapter one of: HOPE DIES SLOWLY By Chuck Lorre I AM THAT I AM By Chuck Lorre When Larry Sudarkis woke up that cold, dreary October morning he had no plans to start a new world religion. He was in too foul a mood to articulate a set of spiritual principles that would someday inspire millions to commit genocide. If anything, he simply planned on putting in an honest day's work and then return home to kill his wife himself. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 My name is Larry Sudarkis and my first memories are of the basement. That was my entire world since before I can remember. My mother and father always told me I had to stay down there for my own safety. But I knew that wasn't true. I wasn't locked in that cold, cement-walled room because I was in danger. I was down there because they were afraid of me. They tried to hide their fear, but I could smell it on their skin. The saddest part is they could never bring themselves to tell me they were afraid -- not even the night I drank the life from their warm, lying bodies. LARRY By Chuck Lorre Pa n'Ma says me Larry and lives me in basementroom since I was floor crawlin. Pa n'Ma says it safest for me in basementroom. But I knowed Pa n'Ma fraid Larry. I knowed cuz skin smell wuz powerfill fear. Sad wuz Pa n'Ma not truthed me bout fearin Larry. Not even nite I dranked up all Pa n'Ma's warmy blood. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 California State Mental Health Hospital - Camarillo CASE NUMBER: 28-569-J PATIENT: CHUCK LORRE DATE: 10-11-04 TIME: 10:30 AM Okay, let me just check that the tape recorder is on... And let's slide the microphone a little closer... That looks good. Alright, we can begin. Please state your name and age. Chuck Lorre. I am forty-eight... fifty-one years old. Thank you. Mr. Lorre, do you know why you're here? Yes. This is a sanity hearing. You want to determine if I'm mentally fit to continue running Two and a Half Men. I am, you know. Well, why don't you let us decide that. I no longer believe God instructed me to co-create and exec produce Two and a Half Men in order to usher in a golden age of love and understanding that heals the hearts and minds of people everywhere. And why do you no longer believe that? Because those were my instructions on Dharma & Greg. With Two and a Half Men my instructions are just to hold onto Raymond's audience and bring it to C.S.I. Miami. I see. Mr. Lorre, do you understand how personalized instructions from God could be symptomatic of a serious mental illness? No, not really. I mean, this is just about writing a sitcom. It's not like God wants me to be President or something. Can I go home now?  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 California State Mental Health Hospital - Camarillo CASE NUMBER: 28-569-J PATIENT: CHUCK LORRE DATE: 10-18-04 TIME: 9:15 AM Good morning, Mr. Lorre. I'd like to continue our conversation regarding - The food here sucks. Okay, well, I'm sorry about that but - Can you get me a seared tuna ahi, cooked rare of course, with a little sticky rice on the side? Mr. Lorre, do you know why you're here, in a state mental health facility? Because my vanity cards haven't been very good lately? No. Because I believe that my life is an infinitesimally small expression of something beyond words, beyond thought? That the ultimate reality, the only reality, is an inexpressible stasis from which all else flows? That you and I are just brief flickers of light in God's dream? Um... no. Then I'm stumped... You're not upset about the brief flicker of light comment, are ya? It's a compliment in a pantheistic, cosmotheistic sorta way. You are here because you took off your clothes, dipped yourself in honey and went running down Ventura Boulevard yelling, "Look at me! I'm a Golden Globe!" Oh. Well... the food here still sucks. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 This is the official "I have nothing worth writing about" vanity card. It will run whenever I have nothing worth writing about. Don't be surprised to see it quite a bit. From now on, when our schedule requires me to deliver a new card and I'm empty, I'll simply say, "Run one-eleven." A check of the one hundred and ten cards I've already written will quickly demonstrate that I should have written this card a long time ago. Why didn't I? Vanity. I had become vain about my vanity cards. I was determined to write a new one each week because, well... I'm just that kind of guy. But I'm older and wiser now. I know when I have nothing to say. And that knowledge is freedom. Freedom from the constant need to win your approval. And more importantly, freedom from the obsessive and relentless need to end each vanity card on a joke. The Electoral College.* 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I was told earlier this evening that I had to write a vanity card immediately in order for it to make this air date. Lacking inspiration and desperate for a theme, I flipped through my beloved, dog-eared copy of Letters to a Young Poet by Rainer Maria Rilke. It was there that I found the following words of wisdom: "Go into yourself. Search for the reason that bids you to write; find out whether it is spreading out its roots in the deepest places of your heart, acknowledge to yourself whether you would have to die if it were denied you to write. Alright, well, it's worth a shot. I'm going into myself... I am searching for the reason that bids me to write... Oop, there it is. It's actually three reasons: a thin veneer of prestige to cover up a lifetime of low self-esteem, enough cash to protect against ever again being bone-crushingly poor, and finally, a good health plan so I never have to crawl into a teaching hospital and get a colonoscopy without an anesthetic while fifteen grinning med students watch. Okay, now that my reasons are clearly located, I'm determining if the roots of those reasons are in the deepest places of my heart... That's a toughie. I've been in TV for too long to still have a heart... I'll just skip ahead to the next question: Would I "have to die if it were denied me to write?" Wow, that's pretty heavy... I know I felt that way when I was younger... Oh, wait! This is Letters to a Young Poet. I found a loophole! The hell with writing a vanity card. I'm gonna take a nap. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Sitcom Erotica He tore feverishly at her bodice, ripping it off her sweat-drenched body. Having just bought the bodice, this really bummed her out. Still, she wanted more than anything to be devoured by his earthy passion. Unfortunately the idea of saying "devour me with your earthy passion" creeped her out, so instead she murmured "Hum daddy bow-wow." He had no idea what she was talking about and found himself wondering whether it was positive verbal feedback in regards to his foreplay technique, or signs of early onset dementia. He went with positive feedback because the notion of making love to a woman who would soon be drooling into a cup was not terribly arousing. Not un-doable, but not a big turn on either. Thus resolved, he threw her to the bed, missing high and to the right. Her head careened off the night stand, somehow turning on the clock radio to an easy listening station. Tina Turner was singing "Proud Mary", but just the nice and easy part. They paused briefly to check for signs of a concussion. Not knowing what those signs might be they decided to forge ahead and make love as if they'd never made love before, as if it were the first time. And so they did. They made love in a hurry and badly. Afterwards, she wondered how she could have been foolish enough to leave a good job in the city, working for the man every night and day. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Bad Mantras If I can transcend my ego, I will be amazingly cool. I'm only as good as last night's ratings. TV critics are your friends. Confide in them. We're never gonna get nominated. Breathe in fear, breathe out serenity. I am love, I am stardust, I have a suspicious mole.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 THREE UNFINISHED VANITY CARDS I haven't played guitar professionally in twenty years and I'm still haunted by a recurring dream where I find myself playing in a rock band on an instrument I don't know how to play -- usually drums, tenor saxophone or a Hammond B-3 organ. The organ dreams are the least frightening. I hold down chords for an inordinate amount of time, swoop my hands up and down the keys like Greg Allman and hope no one notices. I recently told a TV reporter that I need to feel love for my work in order for the quality of the work to rise to a level that has any merit. I surprised myself with this comment. Most of my life my work has been motivated by my fragile, child-like ego. If I do good work, people (okay, women) will like me. Is this a sad, Freudian mommy thing? Probably. It sure attracted a lot of women who were more than happy to mommy me. But that's not what I want to talk about. The act of writing is often a painful ordeal for me. This got me to thinking; what would happen if I began from a place of simple, unabashed joy? Would the words and ideas flow? Would I be a vessel rather than a forge? A conduit as opposed to a generator? Would the work cease to have a belabored, manipulative quality and become something else? Something better? Something... freer? These questions, and several others which I deleted because they were belabored and manipulative, caused me to look at all the blessings in my life so I could experience a state of joy from which to write. After a little soul-searching I became aware of the grace and bounty which surrounds and sustains me. And then I began to write this vanity card which, I have to say, sucks so badly it staggers the mind. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 There are many impressive-sounding credits at the beginning of every episode of Two and a Half Men. While I do not want to diminish anyone's contribution, I do want to take this opportunity to point out who actually participates in the writing of each and every show. In alphabetical order, and in a ridiculously large, propitiative font, they are: Jeff Abugov (quit Cheers to go to My Two Dads), Lee Aronsohn (a sweet-natured, teddy bear of a man without an original tooth in his head), Susan Beavers (her real name), Don Foster (a bodhisattva in a crappy hat), Eddie Gorodetsky (if you don't know him you might not exist), and Mark Roberts (happily married until his wife finds the secret room where he prays to head shots of Mariska Hargitay). All kidding aside, it's impossible to put a price on the enormity of their individual and collective contributions to the making of the show. I therefore hope that acknowledgements such as this will serve in lieu of cash. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I've always wanted to coin a new word, to create a simple sound that so completely captures a universal human experience, it quickly becomes part of the fabric of our culture. That would be something. People everywhere using my word to express a feeling they had hitherto been unable to articulate. Here are a few of my word ideas, and an example of their proper usage, for your consideration. I hope you use them. doorgasm - The feeling of relief and pleasure when the person you had casual sex with finally goes home. I feigned a bittersweet smile as she walked out of the bedroom, then was rocked by a powerful doorgasm the second I heard her car start. gridlove - A delusional fantasy that occurs when you glance at the person in the car next to you in a traffic jam and are momentarily convinced that they are the answer to all your hopes and dreams. Were her feelings real, or were they just gridlove? She didn't care. She just prayed that her lane would catch up to his lane. homortified - The uncomfortable feeling straight men have when they're watching porn and are momentarily turned on by the wrong ass. Bert was so homortified by the skin flick he was forced to use his imagination. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 AN OPEN LETTER TO MY SISTER Dear Joan, I was a little thrown by our recent phone call in which you told me you had gone online to read some of my vanity cards and were now concerned about my emotional well-being. Based on your reading of a few cards, you felt I clearly had anger issues I needed to deal with. You were also kind enough to remind me that there are many things in my life I should be grateful for. When I put the phone down I was, no surprise, angry. Did my sister, my only sibling, and my last surviving immediate family member call me to say the show was funny last night? Nope. She called to point out that her baby brother was an emotionally retarded ingrate. Well, Joan, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that your assessment of me is absolutely correct. love ya, Chuck P.S. I look forward to reading your response to this letter in one of your vanity cards at the end of the hit TV show you created. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I was recently asked by a journalist if I could sum up the secret of my success in one sentence. FRANNIE'S TURN VENUS ON THE HARD DRIVE (twice) IT'S GOOD TO BE KING NATHAN'S CHOICE SLIGHTLY DAMAGED PEOPLE DIRTY GIRLS THE TYLER PERRY SHOW TWO FAMILIES FEEDING THE MONSTER COUPLES THREE CINDERELLAS I told her there's no secret, I just have the magic touch. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 There was a scene in this episode which was drastically cut down in order to appease the censors. Their problem with it was the length of time we spent on the nude back of an attractive young woman. My problem is knowing that I work in an industry, or perhaps I should say a culture, that is more comfortable showing a dead naked body than a live one. A glimpse at any of the prime-time police procedural shows reveals that the powers that be, both in Hollywood and Washington, are perfectly at ease with graphically detailed autopsy scenes that show female corpses being carved up in order to reveal the titillating (pun intended) cause of death, or, if it's during sweeps, examined for traces of semen. Now I don't for one second believe that this little vanity card vent of mine will accomplish anything. I even strongly doubt that, despite living in a country that espouses "free speech", it will even be broadcast. I just needed to get it off my very alive, and very sexual chest. p.s. If I get away with this card, I'll write one about how television networks love erection-producing drugs and yet fear erections. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Last night I dreamt that Ellen DeGeneres was inexplicably hot for me. We were at some sort of party where she told her friends that she found me irresistibly sexy and that, despite being a lesbian, she wanted to do me. As for myself, I was torn. I'm a big fan of Ellen's. She's incredibly smart and funny, not to mention cute as the proverbial button and sassy as the equally proverbial all get out. I think my ambivalence stemmed from being confused about why, given her sexual orientation, she would be interested in me. Anyway, as the dream progressed Ellen made advances toward me that were, well... very sensual. My ambivalence did not stop me from doing a little smooching and copping a feel. She has a great body. Very lithe. And that was the end of the dream. Or all I could remember. Ellen, if this vanity card should get to you, please know that your passion for me was a beautiful and natural thing. And I thank you. P.S. Please don't tell my wife. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I was recently interviewed by a tabloid reporter who was writing a story based on information he was given by "informed sources". He told me that he knew the information was false. When I asked why he'd bother to continue with the story, he said, "Well, I have informed sources." I said, "Yes, but you know that those informed sources are, at best, misinformed, or, at worst, lying." To which he replied, "That's why your comments are good for the story. They give it balance." Need I say more? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 PERSISTENT VEGETATIVE STATE: Pilot script FADE IN: INT. CHUCK'S OFFICE - DAY As we open we find CHUCK curled up in a prenatal ball in the corner of the room. His assistant TATIANA enters. TATIANA Chuck? You Okay? No response. TATIANA (CONT'D) Les Moonves is on the phone. He wants to congratulate you on finishing the season. Still no response. TATIANA (CONT'D) I'll just tell him we'll call back in June. Tatiana starts to cross out, then returns for: TATIANA (CONT'D) I don't care how much you pay me, I am not inserting your catheter. She EXITS. We PUSH IN on Chuck, who does nothing. FADE OUT. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that there is an unspoken contract between those who purport to make comedy and those who watch comedy. That contract states that in exchange for the viewer's time and attention, he or she will experience the simple joy of laughter. Anything less constitutes a breach of contract. We've worked very hard to hold up our end of the bargain. We hope you've laughed. We certainly have. For those of you who have not fully given us your time and attention, we would expect you to do better in the future. Talking to loved ones while the show is on, even if it's to comment on the show, means you're not really holding up your end. Try waiting for the commercials to discuss specific jokes and startling plot developments. Another thing to look out for is eating loud food that gets in the way of hearing all the dialogue (this includes eating in a hurry so your dinner will be fully digested before the folks at CSI Miami start poking at cadavers). Needless to say, all phones must be shut off and toilet visits are allowed only if clothing, furniture and slow-moving pets are threatened. In such cases, viewers are encouraged to leave the bathroom door ajar so they can still hear the show (men are advised to pee on the porcelain part of the bowl to reduce unnecessary "stream" noise). If the above demands seem onerous, please keep in mind that we have entered into an unspoken comedy contract. Failure on the part of either party to comply with its terms will result in reality TV.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 138 Gone Fishin' http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc138jpg.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 FORMATIVE MOMENTS IN MUSIC: Ten years old: Learn to play Elvis' "You Ain't Nothin' But a Hound Dog" on guitar. Have absolutely no idea what the words mean. Is someone misbehaving in a dog-like fashion? Eleven years old: The Beatles come to America. I deeply understand the obsession to hold a girl's hand, but more importantly, I notice that girls willingly throw the less accessible parts of their bodies at skinny musicians. Get serious about practicing guitar, forget Charles Atlas, start a band and befuddle parents, teachers and friends by insisting on speaking with a British accent. Twelve years old: Buy my first forty-five rpm record. After playing it repeatedly I'm able to visualize a woman walking down a street singing "doo - wah - diddy - diddy - dum - diddy - doo." In my mind's eye she's quite attractive, snapping her fingers and a'shuffling her feet. Thirteen years old: Buy second forty-five with a three note riff that changes my world as it wraps around "baby better come back, maybe next week, cause ya see I'm on a losing streak." At thirteen I've yet to have a losing streak but I have had a bar mitzvah that did not bring me satisfaction. Fifteen years old: Jimi Hendrix asks me if I'm experienced. I dodge the question and begin to play guitar with my teeth, which is hard to do with braces. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CBS EXECUTIVE: So basically the story is Charlie running Alan's office while Alan is away. CHUCK: Yep. CBS EXECUTIVE: Oh, that'll be fun stuff. (LAUGHING) CHUCK: Oh yeah. And that's just the beginning. Once he's there he inadvertently turns the place into a brothel. CBS EXECUTIVE: (LAUGHING STOPS) A what? CHUCK: Um... A... bro...thel. CBS EXECUTIVE: You mean with prostitutes? CHUCK: No, no! Masseuses. Masseusi? Anyway, it's important to keep in mind that Charlie's entirely innocent. It's all... inadvertent. CBS EXECUTIVE: So he doesn't -- CHUCK: Of course not! He just takes the money and keeps an eye on the clock. CBS EXECUTIVE: The what? CHUCK: The clock. Time. And remember, he's only there because he's trying to help his brother. So it's actually more than inadvertent, it's... altruistic. CBS EXECUTIVE: Okay. I get it. Sounds... funny. CHUCK: Oh, it is. CBS EXECUTIVE: I'll have to run it by my boss. CHUCK: I understand. CBS EXECUTIVE: What's it called? CHUCK: "The Best Little Whorehouse in the San Fernando Valley." Just kidding. It's called "Altruistic Charlie." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As we go about our day, as we sleep peacefully in our warm beds, a battle is raging. A battle between the forces of darkness and the forces of light, between those who seek chaos and those who cherish and defend order. Many brave and good men have taken on this eternal struggle, but there is only one who has never bent, never hesitated to do what needs to be done. He is a rough, violent man who risks his own soul so that the rest of us may safely live out our lives in ignorant bliss. He seeks no credit. There are no medals, nor parades for men such as he. He fights for us and then, weary and bloodied, he returns to a life of simple anonymity, writing and producing a sitcom for CBS. Who is this soldier? His name does not matter. But you can be sure of one thing, he wouldn't mind a freaking Emmy nomination once in awhile. And he could probably hit evil people on the head with a Golden Globe. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A Few Thoughts on Turning Fifty-Three I don't care what anybody says, I am not a middle-aged man. The middle of something is equidistant from the beginning and the end. A new term has to be coined for people my age. Five-eighth man is accurate but not likely to catch on. When people say I look young for my age what they really mean is, "you're not fat and you have hair." When I see guys my age who are fat and bald I feel happy. My ears and nose are getting bigger. Gravity is defeating my testicles. My waist is on a collision course with my chest. Sleeping is becoming more important than sex. I am now capable of injuring my shoulder by brushing my teeth. I no longer exude testosterone. If anything, I exude Crestor and Tums. When beautiful young women look at me, they instinctively know, on a deep genetic, cellular level, that I can buy them a house. I do sit-ups anyway. I've begun to resent young men and find reassurance in the knowledge that most of them can't go around buying houses for young women. I no longer fear that I'm becoming more and more like my parents. I now fear that I'm going to stay like them. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 October 19th, nine-seventeen in the morning. In order for this vanity card to air on Monday, October 24th, it has to be written and turned in by ten o'clock. I have nothing. No theme, no jokes, no philosophy. The clock is ticking. It's a digital clock, so not really. I suppose the blinking colon between the hour and the minutes is a sort of ticking. I pause for a moment to determine whether there's any value in writing about mechanical versus digital clocks, then decide there isn't. The pressure builds. I pause again to drink a protein shake that my wife insists is good for me. Once again I stop to consider if there's something comedic to be mined here. Maybe a fantasy card about how she's trying to poison me. No. She reads these things, probably not wise to give her any ideas. I keep thinking how this is just like my entire academic career. Waiting until the last minute to do my homework. It is now 11:45. I've asked for more time. It's not helping... The dog ate my vanity card. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 We are the afflicted, the fallen, and the wounded. We are born into separateness, suffering, and eternal longing. Our salvation lies not in the things of this world, but that is where we seek it. For to do otherwise would tank the economy, and then we'd be really screwed.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 145 http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc145big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 THE WRITERS OF TWO AND A HALF MEN FOOLISHLY PRESENT THE 25 'OLD' JOKES WE DIDN'T USE She was an early investor in Apple... the fruit. She actually robbed Peter to pay Paul. She was a fluffer for the Kama Sutra. She got a senior citizen discount to see Birth of a Nation. Her social security number is 9. She's the third drawing from the left on the evolutionary chart. She remembers the mini-mall they tore down to build Stonehenge. She won't give her real age because she pre-dates counting. She remembers the best thing BEFORE sliced bread. Methuselah dumped her for a younger woman. She remembers when Helen of Troy's face had only launched a couple of ships. Her favorite hobby: Respiration. She majored in Spanish. Not the language, the Inquisition. Pre-menopause, she had geologic periods. Social life: Not Speed Dating -- carbon dating. Likes older men, but there are none. First job: a papyrus route. She's so old she remembers when: If you looked green around the gills you REALLY did. Old Faithful was new and unreliable. Tuesday was hump day. Incest was just called "sex." There was only one way to skin a cat. In school Geology was called Current Events. The Twin Cities were Sodom and Gomorrah. Amphibians were just called "show-offs." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 WARNING TO MALE VIEWERS! Despite the comic conceit of tonight's episode, ingesting "semi-lethal quantities of alcohol" in order to overcome the deep-seated fear that women will reject you, is a terrible idea. We, the producers of Two and a Half Men, do NOT recommend it. If you are struggling with this fear we strongly urge you to seek healthier solutions. A few to consider are: Becoming handsome. Becoming rich. Becoming a famous musician, actor, writer, director or artist. Becoming a famous athlete. Becoming a brooding loser who is also handsome. Becoming funny. Becoming thin. Becoming old. Becoming apathetic. Becoming a woman. Becoming a college professor. Becoming a religious leader. Becoming psychotic (this allows one to achieve the steely confidence bestowed by alcohol, but without the attendant liver damage). Having really big muscles and hanging around simple women. Having drugs and hanging around women who are addicted to them. Having food and hanging around hungry women. Having the inner joy that comes from knowing you're a one-of-a-kind miracle of creation, and that even if women reject you, you are still a beloved child of God... you just ain't gettin' laid tonight. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 148 http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc148jpg.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 People often ask me, "Chuck, where do the ideas for Two and a Half Men come from?" Well, the answer is very simple. Tonight's show, for instance, was inspired by many of the great films that have been out recently. Two handsome young cowboys share a hidden love that society condemns. A love that torments them and presumably requires a lot of lubrication. A brilliant homosexual author is not tormented about being homosexual but drinks a lot and is tormented while writing a book about tormented men who have killed people. A brilliant and tormented country singer is tormented until he stops drinking and finds the love of a good woman who is not tormented. A brilliant TV news man is tormented by his moral obligation to stand up against a tormented bully. A spy is tormented by the corruption and deceit that lies beneath the politics of oil (a lubricant). A cross-section of Los Angelenos are tormented by the endless cycle of racism that lies beneath the surface of Los Angeles. An Israeli soldier is tormented by the endless cycle of violence that lies above the surface of the Middle East. And finally, a big monkey is tormented because he loves a really small woman, who, if their love were to proceed, no amount of lubricant would help. Now, if you go back and review tonight's episode you'll see that both Charlie and Alan were tormented. See how it works? The lubrication stuff we're saving for sweeps. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I wanted to take this opportunity to express my gratitude for your loyal viewership of Two and a Half Men. I know there are many terrific shows on competing networks that you could have chosen. As a way of saying thank you, I thought I'd catch you up on what you missed. 24: 10 AM to 11 AM. Jack had three close calls but survived by being resourceful. Several people died violent deaths. Some of the people who died had it coming. Some were just in the wrong place right before a commercial break. Cell phones were used extensively to connect the split-screen action. Despite missing breakfast, none of the characters discussed possible lunch plans. VEGAS: Sonny Corleone was outraged over the shooting of his dad and foolishly drove to a toll booth where he was riddled with lead. EMILY'S REASONS WHY NOT: THE BACHELOR: Laughter ensues as pretty girls demean themselves competing for the bachelor's affection and a flower. THE HISTORY CHANNEL: Compelling new evidence that UFO's can go underwater. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dear Oprah, The following is an excerpt from my forthcoming autobiography, Soul Soiled, a story of degradation, despair and, finally, redemption. I look forward to discussing it with you on your show. Sincerely, Chuck Lorre The thing is, she shouldn't have stolen my heroin. But as I looked down at her battered, cheerleader's body, a bloody twirling baton in my right hand, a dirty hypodermic needle in my left, the only thought rattling around my fevered, junkie brain was whether I could trade her baby for a gun. I wish I could say I hit rock bottom that night. But my moment of clarity wouldn't come until years later when I was doing hard time in a hard prison. I was in the hole, which frankly was hard, when Mother Mary came to me. She was speaking words of wisdom, (I think "sagacious" was one of the words) and told me that the only way I could wash the soil from my soul was if I brought laughter to millions of people. She suggested I get started by writing freelance scripts for Charles in Charge, but not until I found an agent. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As I write this I'm moments away from pitching an idea for a new comedy series to the president of CBS, Leslie Moonves. I've done this before and it's always an anxiety-producing experience. Months of work can evaporate in seconds if he does not respond favorably. To make matters worse, I always know when I'm getting a negative response because Les has what poker players call a subtle "tell." When he doesn't like something he frowns. Many of the people who work for him are familiar with this tell. When they see it they respond with a tell of their own - they start examining their shoes as if they've never seen them before. Anyway, I have to go to the meeting now, keep your fingers crossed!.... Okay, I'm back and I think it went fairly well (no perceivable tell). I did make an amateur mistake by telling Les that he and I drive the same cool car, but he didn't seem to hold it against me. He and his team were courteous, pleasant and appropriately cautious. They ended the meeting by saying they looked forward to seeing a finished script before making a final decision... hold on, my cell phone is ringing... That was Peter Roth, president of Warner Brothers TV. Apparently moments after we left the building, Les told his execs he liked the idea and to move forward on it. Our project has received a green light! In a matter of seconds my anxiety about pitching it has transmuted into anxiety about writing, casting, shooting, editing, waiting to find out if it gets on the Fall schedule, and, if it does, juggling two shows, promotion, staffing, time slots and ratings -- not to mention worrying about whether Les will be pissed off when he reads this vanity card. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Fifteen years ago I bumped into Donald Trump. Literally. I wasn't looking where I was going and, I suppose, neither was he. Our collision caused his very large bodyguard to charge toward me in order to neutralize any possible threat to his boss. Now what happened next is why I've never forgotten the incident. Trump quickly looked me up and down and correctly assessed that I posed no danger. With a small, smirking frown and a dismissive little wave, he instantly communicated to his hulking assistant that I should be ignored. The entire incident couldn't have lasted more than ten seconds. No one said, "sorry," or "excuse me," and we all went our separate ways. After all these years, the memory that lingers, the image that haunts, is of his smug pout and condescending hand gesture that somehow caused me to feel utterly insignificant. I was reminded of all this when I looked at the ratings of Two and a Half Men versus the ratings of The Apprentice. Hey, Donald, I just bumped into you again! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 WISDOM OF THE AGES Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. Which is not to say they won't occasionally break your f#*king heart. Kahlil Chuck Gibran There is but one life. God breathes through the scuttling cockroach and the soaring hawk. And yet, I am not a cat person. Ralph Waldo Lorre Let's trade Al Michaels for Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Bob Iger 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 AN OPEN LETTER TO THE FCC Dear Commissars, Trying to determine vulgarity on a case-by-case basis is clearly confusing everyone. In order to avoid any further misunderstanding, I would like to propose the following: USUALLY GOOD USUALLY BAD The celebration of body holes that God makes The celebration of body holes that man makes The consensual kissing and fondling of the body The non-consensual shooting, stabbing, and exploding of the body Seeing any part of the body Seeing any part of the body being shot, stabbed, burnt, blown up or otherwise violated Words meant to provoke thought, emotion and laughter Words meant to provoke violence Call me crazy, but isn't this a much saner approach to censoring what we see on TV? I suppose you might quibble with it if you had an unconscious agenda to use mass media to create a fear-based, blood-thirsty, war-happy culture that is addicted to the adrenaline rush provided by graphic images of violence and death while simultaneously imbedding everyone with feelings of shame and self-loathing in order to foster obsessive-compulsive consumerism, not to mention brisk drug and alcohol sales. But thankfully, that's not the case. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 PROPERTY OF FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION SUBJECT: ANTHONY PELLICANO EVIDENCE #3287BJ: TRANSCRIPT OF ILLEGAL PHONE TAP OF CONVERSATION BETWEEN CHUCK LORRE AND WIFE, KAREN LORRE MARCH, 14, 2004 - 5:36 PM CHUCK: Hey, it's me. KAREN: Hey, you. CHUCK: Are you gonna cook, or should I bring home some take-out? KAREN: I'll cook. Whataya want? CHUCK: What do we got? KAREN: I could heat up those chicken fingers. CHUCK: Ooh, with the honey mustard sauce, yum! You know who's a great guy? Brad Grey. KAREN: What? CHUCK: Brad Grey. A great guy who's good to all the little people in this business. Although, he's not little, he's more wiry. KAREN: Um... alright. You should invite him to dinner sometime. CHUCK: If he likes chicken fingers, I just did. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Now that the networks are eagerly exploring new income opportunities via dvd packages and internet downloads, I thought it might be time for me to start looking at ways to mine my vanity card as a potential revenue stream (I love saying "revenue stream." Not having an MBA, it conjures up an image of a large, green cartoon character peeing money.). Anyway, since this card represents one second of weekly prime-time exposure, not to mention re-runs, downloads and dvd sales, some national advertisers might want to start talking to me about the soft drinks I enjoy, the cars I covet, the cholesterol-busting drugs I take, the golf balls I hit in the water, the cell phone service that constantly drops my calls, the airlines that treat me like cattle, the satellite car radio I got as a birthday gift that loses the damn signal every time I drive in a canyon or past a tall building, etc. See how it works? I can like your product, or not. It all depends on how much you like me. Too subtle? Okay, let's try this approach. You have a very nice, publicly-traded, multi-national corporation and we wouldn't want anything to happen to it... now would we? I'll be in touch. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I am continually surprised that someone could posit a surpreme being, a timeless, primal source from which all things emanate, every living creature and every inert piece of matter, every sub-atomic particle and every galaxy, and then insist that such an ineffability could take sides, declaring that it takes one person, or group of persons, over another. But then again, I am continually surprised that someone could be fascinated by American Idol. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A Scientific Theory for Male Promiscuity For obvious evolutionary reasons, strange causes a chemical to be released in the brain that makes a man feel good. He is thus driven to seek out strange. Unfortunately, this euphoric brain excretion quickly becomes ineffective because strange is only strange once (although with alcohol and some creativity, its strangeness can be lengthened, sometimes for several years). Nevertheless, eventually strange ceases to be strange, which forces the brain, designed over millions of years to avoid pain and locate pleasure, to find new strange. Scientists disagree as to when this simple evolutionary mechanism created the mutation known as divorce lawyers, or why the entire concept is not accepted by the formerly strange as a good reason for sleeping with her sister. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I want to take this opportunity to say thanks to the greatest crew and production staff on TV. After three years and seventy-two episodes, I'm ashamed to say I still don't know everyone's name or what most of you actually do. The important thing is that you all know me and make half-hearted attempts to suck up. In no particular order, but c'mon, I have to get points for finding a staff list and writing out all your freaking names, thank you to: Tatiana Nell, Mona Garcea, Mike Collier, Joe Bella, Mary Quigley, Maria Pearce, Alissa Neubauer, Carol Anne Miller, Mark Samuels, Marilyn Bagley, Jean Sagal, Steve Silver, Bobby Burton, Bo Miller, Ann Shea, Lee Lee Baird, Toti Levine, Joe Stafford, Marc Peterson, Kathy Nawabi, Jed Linder, Josh Stuart, Jennifer Ullrich, Aundre Johnson, Rhiannon O'Harra, Pat Eyerman, Adria Later, Mark Sweet, Vicky Wright, Missy Nocera, John Shaffner, Francoise Cherry, Matt Russell, Mark Davison, Hunt Hibler, Buzz Jochheim, Brian Brockway, Chris Hinojosa, John Yant, Jamie Hitchcock, Steve Lund, Brian Johnson, Michael Nash, Brian Armstrong, Cleo Terrio, Nigel Stewart, Nikki Valko, Ken Miller, Peter Pappas, Pat Whalen, Mike Smith, Daniel Armstrong, Claude Petty, Scott Dietz, Tom O'Brien, Mike Love, Anne Woodward, Catherine Ridaeaux, Laura Flett, Jeff Kilgore, Noelle Quigley, Susan Turcot, Larry Liddell, Jim Sobiegraj, Tony Vanmeeteren, Trent Anderson, Casey Jones, Sam Arroyo, Janice Berridge, Gabriel Solana, Shelly Woodhouse-Collins, Peggy Nichols, Ralph Abalos, Janice Zoladz - Allison, Lisa Cubero, Terry Dillon, Nicole Eberhardt, Scott Bernstein, David Klein, Aimee McCue, Edward Nedin, Kenny Millen, Sylvia Jahshan, Jennifer Stitz, Jeanette Scheibe, Gabriella Pollino - Rodman, Jim Marchwick, Paul Jimenez, Sammy Medina, Kathy Oldham, Bob Lamasney, Tom Seller, Eric Erickson, Dennis Brown, Grant Geissman, Dennis McElroy, Ahmadu Garba, Ben Bosse, David Saltzman, Roger Abell, Bruce Peters, Michael Rizzolo, Leroy Castelina, Ron Arnold, Terrel Richmond, Dan Berlin, Jim Marshall, Don Johnson, Anne Nevison, Maureen Tamblyn, Kenda Nichols, John Rebber, Jerry Gourre, Ernie Talyor, Shawn Soloman. Thanks for a terrific season. See you in August, unless you ask Warner Brothers for a raise. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Actual phone call from Warner Brothers executive Exec: Chuck, I just want you to know that there are two Kuwaitis in your studio audience tonight. Chuck: What? Exec: Just thought I should alert you. Chuck: Kuwaitis at Two and a Half Men? Are they lost? Exec: No. They just want to see the show. But don't worry, we checked them out, ran them through metal detectors, and they're not on any watch list. Chuck: Are you drunk? Exec: Not yet. Maybe later. Chuck: Are you purposely fostering a climate of fear so I'll vote for you? Exec: No. Chuck: Okay, I appreciate the head's up, but if you're truly concerned about our security, I'd suggest keeping an eye on the TV reporters at Entertainment Weekly. They hate our success and believe that if they martyr themselves they'll wake up in show business with real jobs. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 RANDALL & NADINE A play in one vanity card Nadine: Randall, is your car a male or a female? Randall: Well, I spose it's kinda female. Nadine: Why not male? Randall: I dunno. Maybe cuz when I get in my car and make it go, I don't wanna be havin' no homosexshul experience. Nadine: Now how on earth can drivin' a car be a homosexshul experience? Randall: If the car's got a dude vibe and I climb inside, well... let's just say I got a problem with that. Nadine: Awright, now lemme ask you another question. When y'all talk about me to your friends, what do y'all say? Randall: I brag about ya. I say Nadine Loomis is my hot, lil' sex machine. Nadine: Exactly. A machine. Y'all treat me like an object and ya' treat your car like a woman. (Randall stares into space for a moment, lost in thought, then:) Randall: You know what? I can't do this anymore. I just loathe this hackneyed, stereotypical southern dialogue just to make a point. Nadine: Stay in character, Randall. Randall: And it's not even a good point! Women are objectified and objects are venerated. Ooh, like that's some kind of big revelation. Nadine: I think it's a terrific theme. Randall: Sure you do. You're Lorre's voice in this play. His surrogate. But I don't have to be the fictional character who helps him work out his issues with women. That's what the fictional guys in Two and Half Men are -- (Nadine pulls out a phallically symbolic snub-nosed, .38 caliber pistol and shoots Randall) CURTAIN 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Two and a Half Men has crisp, hilarious, cutting edge writing, pitch-perfect acting from leads Sheen, Cryer and Jones, and a brilliant supporting cast made up of Taylor, Ferrell, Lynskey, Hinkle and Bowlby. Add it all up and you've got the funniest half hour on television. I can't believe how wrong I've been about this show. Gillian Flynn Entertainment Weekly - August 29, 2006 Is there a Nobel Prize for comedic chemistry? If so, I nominate Two and a Half Men. Sometimes I laugh so hard I actually wet myself. I can't believe how wrong I've been about this show. Virginia Heffernan N.Y. Times - September 8, 2006 I can't believe how wrong I've been about this show. I mean, how often does a comedy come along that fills your heart with joy, gratitude and hope? Two and a Half Men may be just a sitcom for some folks, but for me it's a reason to go on living. I'm not a religious man, but God bless you, Two and a Half Men. Noel Holston Newsday - May 16, 2006 Just kidding. They still hate us. Chuck Lorre 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 164 Here's me between Brian Lowry from Daily Variety and Andy Wallenstein from the Hollywood Reporter. I've just supplied whem with cash, hookers and drus in exchange for some favourable press. Keep your fingers crossed. http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc164big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I have always been a literal and linear writer. For better or worse, when I put words on paper, my mind seeks logic and clarity. I think this is the reason my song-writing career peaked at, "They're the world's most fearsome fighting team, they're heroes on a half shell and they're green." But more importantly, my creative defect has caused me to live with a dirty little secret - I don't really get classical or pop poetry. When Bob Dylan sang, quite assertively, that "the answer was blowin' in the wind," I knew it was not. The only thing blowin' in the wind was wind, dirt, leaves and miscellaneous crap light enough to become temporarily airborne. Not that I could share this with anyone. It was not for me to question the voice of my generation. But privately I always thought it would have been a better song if he simply told us what the 'answer' was. ("How many roads must a man walk down, before they could call him a man?" Nine. Six if he jogs.) The reason I bring this up is that I aspire to break free from the confines of logic. I yearn to write thought-provoking, surrealistic sojourns into the realm of the unfettered spirit. I dream that just once, the muses will infuse my soul with graceful poetry that speaks to the heart. That my "Blowin' in the Wind" will not be the cheap punch line to a dirty joke that I tried to sneak past the network censor. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Corpses don't bleed. At least that's what I kept telling myself as I watched the warm red stuff bubble out of the two bullet holes in my chest. I still had a chance. Not a good chance, but hell, beggars and chumps with thirty-eight caliber slugs in 'em can't be choosers. How did I end up a blood-dappled throw rug? Would it surprise you if I said there was a dame involved? No, I didn't think so. At the end of the day - drained, damp and dyin' - it's always a dame. Her name was Lola. Lola Levine. You know the type. California blonde with a brunette bikini wax, actress without a SAG card, naughty pictures on a members only web site, and junior cantor at the Beth Israel Synagogue in Beverly Hills. Well, let's call it Beverly Hills adjacent. Ah, what the hell, West Hollywood. Still, a nice neighborhood to belt out the high holiday Torah favorites. Anyway, Lola Levine. The reason this Buddha-dabblin' gentile is about to get tucked in for the long dirt nap. I wish I could say my sudden loss of precious bodily fluids was the result of me gettin' caught doin' the horizontal horah with the very zoftig Ms. Levine. You know, the ol' jealous rabbi with a loaded Smith and Wesson hidden under his milk dishes story. But it's not. Lola didn't like sex. And the rabbi didn't like Lola. No, I am sittin' here in all my ventilated splendor because Lola's sister liked sex. Her name was Christine. Christine Levine. You know the type. California blonde with a brunette bikini wax, actress without a SAG card, naughty pictures on a members only web site, and trans-sexual Franciscan monk. (TO BE CONTINUED) 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 November 8, 2006 I'm relieved that he's reached across the aisle to fight global warming. I'm delighted that he's worked to increase the minimum wage, reduce the cost of pharmaceutical drugs, improve the infrastructure, and bring accountability to the school system. My problem, and let me state for the record that it's my problem, not his, is simply this: Whenever I hear the governor of California speak I find myself nervously looking around for a train that will take me to Poland. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 168 Listed as 838* http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc168big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: 171c AVAILABLE TO BE READ IF YOU KNOW WHERE TO LOOK: Then - The censored 171c: We on Two and a Half Men are aware that our humor has offended some viewers with, shall we say, more delicate sensibilities. We have read your blogs, articles and postings which detail your outrage. If you are one of these viewers, and you have just watched and been appalled by tonight's episode, I'd like to tell you the old joke about the hunter who goes into the woods to hunt for a bear. THE JOKE A hunter goes into the woods hunting for a bear. When he is deep in the woods he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns to see an enormous grizzly towering above him. Before he can fire, the beast rips the rifle out of his hands and proceeds to sodomize him. Mortified, the hunter retreats to his cabin, arms himself with a double-barrelled shotgun, and races back into the woods to find and kill his furry assailant. But once again, the bear sneaks up behind the hunter, pulls the weapon from his hands and has his lusty way with him. Undeterred, the hunter equips himself with a machine gun and treks back into the woods where he is again ambushed, disarmed and defiled by the bear. Now, apoplectic with moral outrage, the hunter flies to a third world country where he buys a heat-seeking, shoulder-launched, nuclear-tipped rocket from an international arms dealer. Convinced he finally has the upper hand, he returns to the woods, tracks the bear to his lair and patiently waits to vaporize him. And yes, again, the bear surprises, disarms and sexually assaults him. But this time, before the hunter can run off to acquire more lethal armaments, the bear enfolds him in his massive arms and says, "You don't really come out here to hunt, do ya?" Well, that's the joke. Take from it what you will with one caveat: The moral is not "beware of homosexual bears." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 This week, as a little bonus for all my loyal vanity card readers, I thought I'd give an inside look into the making of Two and a Half Men by telling you about a joke CBS insisted we cut from the final scene in tonight's show. The scene, as I'm sure you remember, involved Charlie finding Alan, post-coital, tied to his bed, and wearing nothing but a bustier and red nylons. The offending line in the scene was what we in the comedy biz refer to as a "callback" since it references a line that was said earlier in the episode (in this case two lines, the first being when Alan's date implies that she hopes to spend the night with him by coyly saying "I brought a toothbrush with me," and the second, when Alan tells Charlie that "that lady in there brought a toothbrush with her because I have a penis and a job!"). Now before I tell you the joke which was cut, it's important to point out that I'm not doing this to make a point about censorship. In this particular case we never felt unfairly edited. The excised joke was, without question, in terrible taste and we didn't even try to defend it. But we did think it was funny. In any case, here it is: In the original, uncensored final scene, Charlie nonchalantly exits the bedroom without untying his hapless brother. Alan reacts with astonishment and calls out, "Charlie?... Charlie?! This isn't funny! Come back!... At least take out the toothbrush!" When we shot this version our studio audience laughed loud and long. Our CBS censor's head exploded, injuring several writers standing nearby. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I GET MAIL! Dear Chuck, I watch your show and find it to be disgusting. I am a religious person and I am sure God hates you. Sometimes people say I am just like the character of Charlie. Do you think he could give me tips about how to meet dirty women? Also, can you send a photo of Jon Cryer in a bathing suit. sincerely, Rapturedude 666 Chockawalla State Prison Dear Rapturedude, Thanks for watching! Always good to hear from a fan. Do they have Nielson boxes where you live? Not to be argumentative, but I believe God views me with a mild ambivalence - not unlike how the folks at CBS feel about me. Anyway, the character of Charlie is a fictional construct so it's a little hard to ask him questions. Have you tried an on-line dating service? You could increase your chances for success by signing up as several different people. all the best, Chuck P.s. Photo enclosed. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 174 http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc174big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Alan, a dad masochistic, sought to parent in ways unrealistic. In the wet and the wild, he did camp with his child, though the kid dug his damp onanistic. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 176 http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc176big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 177 As we enter a period of dificult labor negotiations, it's citical that TV writers be seen as tough-minded equals to our corporate paartners. http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc177big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: AGAIN - 178c Once again the powers that be have chosen to censor this week's vanity card. Oh well. Comedy, like beauty, is in the eye of the beholder. If you're still interested in reading the card in question, it exists elsewhere. I hope you think it's pretty. It is definitely sophomoric. If you find it as offensive as the CBS execs who nixed it, I apologize in advance. My goal, as always, was to elicit laughter... and bite the hand that feeds me. What was censored 178c: There are no gay people on the writing staff of Two and a Half Men. Nevertheless, we wrote and produced tonight's episode in the hopes that we would be nominated for a GLAAD Award. Our reason for this was simple. We all wanted to go to a big party where we could, for just one night, pretend we were marvelous. But in order to get to that party, we knew we'd have to write a penetrating exploration of a delicate, often inflamed area. At every step of the way we reminded ourselves that if our attempts at comedy made anyone wince, we needed to immediately withdraw and come at it from a different angle. After all, there was no reason to add to the swelling piles of asinine homophobic comedy. We chose, instead, to write a show that reaches around the obvious in order to swallow the truth. And what is that truth? Well, in a politically correct world, the truth is not an easy thing to spit out. But we think, in the end, it finally comes down to this: healthy human sexuality cannot be compartmentalized. It is a liquid thing, ever-expanding, contracting and flowing, and certainly not something that one can simply put in a box. That being said, we hope the folks at GLAAD will judge this episode as being worthy of honor and that we get to meet Elton John. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Doctor: Any other physical problems lately? Me: Well, yeah... frequent urination. Very annoying. Doctor: Oh, that's just a result of your prostate getting larger as you get older. Me: It could be a result of your index finger. Doctor: Hey, I don't enjoy that part of the exam either. Me: So you say, but you do it every time. Doctor: If you're interested, there's a new drug you can try that will help with the frequent urinating. Me: Oh yeah, I think I saw a commercial. Bunch of middle-aged guys driving in a convertible, drinking bottles of water and celebrating not having to pee. Made me weep for the Age of Aquarius. Doctor: Huh. Well, I don't watch much TV. Me: Thanks. I support your profession. Doctor: Would you like to try some free samples? Me: Maybe. Are there any side effects? Doctor: Not really. Occasional retrograde ejaculation. Me: I'm sorry, what? Doctor: The ejaculation reverses direction and goes into the bladder. Me: I think I'm okay peeing a lot. Doctor: Are you sure? Me: Positive. In fact I'm peeing right now. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I love golf. I find it to be a terrific workshop for dealing with the everyday problems of life. The problem that most comes up for me in golf is fear. Fear of looking foolish, fear of choking, fear of scoring badly, fear of scoring well, fear of letting down a playing partner, fear of hitting it in the water, the sand, the street, the snack bar, the woods, dead left, dead right, two feet in front of me, or into the soft head of an innocent child at play. Fear causes my mind to race and my muscles to tighten. The swing that follows causes my opponents to smirk and count my money. Golf teaches me that I cannot suppress the fear, nor think my way out of it. My only option is to acknowledge it and swing anyway. This is a lesson that I have tried to apply to my work. Every day I make a conscious effort to gracefully accept my fear of being judged as inadequate, my fear of letting down people who count on me, my fear that I have nothing of consequence to write about, my fear that no one will watch the show because they'd rather watch mediocre celebrities dance, my fear regarding the welfare of my children, my fear that my sister will never talk to me again, my fear that I will die alone, my fear that the mole on my leg is melanoma, my fear that aneurysms happen without warning, my fear of global warming, bird flu, random violence and dirty bombs - and work anyway. The result has been astonishing. I believe my work is better than ever. I have also tried to apply this golf lesson about fear to my dealings with women. No luck so far. I think I need to swing slower and keep my head down. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 "Working for Caligula" "Who's Vod Kanockers?" "The sea is a harsh mistress" "A pot-smokin' monkey" "A live woman of proven fertility" "Apologies for the frivolity" "Repeated blows to his unformed head" "Release the dogs" "Corey's been dead for an hour"(FKA: "They defrosted Mom's head") "Kissing Abe Lincoln" "Walnuts and Demerol" (FKA: "Can't Bono airdrop some cheese?") "Castrating sheep in Montana" "Don't worry, Speed Racer" "My damn stalker" "Young people have phlegm too" "That's summer sausage, not salami" "I merely slept with a Commie" "It never rains in Hooterville" (FKA:"Rah-rah-sis-boom-dead") "Smooth as a Ken doll" "Aunt Myra doesn't pee a lot" "Tucked, taped and gorgeous" "Mr. McGlue's feedbag" "Anteaters, they're just crazy lookin'" "Prostitutes and gelato" It's been a great season for us. Thank you for watching. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Back when I was writing and producing Dharma and Greg, the only way to read my cards was to record each episode on a VCR and hit the "pause" button. This was not an easy task. The image wobbled like crazy making the tiny words of my weekly tomes very hard to see. Then it hit me. What about building a device that records video images digitally? Wouldn't this allow for a much more precise "pause" function? I took my little notion to an impoverished computer whiz by the name of Schlomo Tivowitz. At the time of our meeting Schlomo was feverishly trying to invent an improved version of the George Foreman Grill. Schlomo's grill would contain a hard drive that remembered all the details of your last barbecue, as well as an address book. I didn't really see the point of it, but, not being a tech guy, I held my tongue and presented him with my idea. I will never forget his reaction. With hamburger-flecked spittle flying from his blubbery lips, he laughed, called me some very unkind names and demanded that I leave his mother's basement immediately. My hopes dashed, I went back to work on Dharma and forgot about my silly idea. Well, I'm sure you can figure out what happened next. The fact that you're reading this card right now should tell you. Thankfully, it's not in my nature to be bitter. But there are times when I feel a little used - usually when I've forgotten how to effectively grill a fatty piece of chicken. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 SITCOM SPIN-OFF IDEA FOR THE SOPRANOS "Paulie and the Cat" Reeling from the assassination of his beloved leader, Paulie Walnuts tries to vent his anguish by whacking the pesky cat that hangs around the Bada-Bing. After hitting the cat with a shovel, Paulie throws its limp, little carcass into a plastic garbage bag and drives it to the East River for disposal. But wouldn't you know it, at the very last second a tiny "meow" is heard from inside the bag. Paulie is torn. Should he spare the determined feline, or toss him into the polluted waters that separate two great states? Uncomfortable with ambivalence, Paulie flies into a rage and begins shooting at the bag. But wouldn't you know it, once again a sad "meow" escapes from the generic store brand plastic prison that is neither Glad, Hefty or Ziploc. His psychotic fury spent, Paulie mumbles a misogynistic curse in Italian and frees the cat. But wouldn't you know it, the cat, his tiny head slightly caved in, his patchy fur matted with blood, curls up in Paulie's arms and begins to purr. Thus begins a tale of love and laughs for the whole family as Paulie and the cat become inseparable goombahs and dependable earners. Paulie never once suspecting that the "hit" placed on him, was put there by his furry, little partner. But wouldn't you know it? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Don't fall for a woman who has had sex with one of your rock n'roll heroes. No matter how emotionally evolved you think you are, you will never enjoy listening to Eric Clapton again. Don't lurk around web sites where people comment about your work unless you're drunk. Don't use emoticons. You're too old to communicate like a twelve-year old girl. Don't forget that you are the product of a culture that went stark raving mad about ten thousand years ago. Adjust your thinking accordingly. Don't answer TV critics questions about the state of TV comedy. It's a trap. Don't eat anything bigger than your head. True in the sixties, true today. Don't believe that crap that you're as young as you feel. Your feelings lie. Don't hug men while shaking their hand. Enough already with that. The shake/hug (shug?) is probably something Roman guys did when their empire was in decline. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 THE EMMY SPEECH I DIDN'T GIVE: I've been writing sitcoms for twenty years and I've never won one of these. In fact, this is the first time I've even touched one. And holding it now, I have to tell you, from the bottom of my heart, I want those twenty years back. (PAUSE FOR LAUGHS) Anyway, I want to thank the TV Academy for this incredible acknowledgement. The fact that it pisses off TV critics all over the country just makes the moment a little sweeter. (PAUSE FOR UNEASY LAUGHS FROM CBS PUBLICIST) And I need to thank our amazing cast: Charlie, John, Angus, Conchata, Holland, Melanie, Marin, April. Speaking on behalf of the writers on the show -- we have all been witness to your singular and collective comic genius. But what we are deeply appreciative of is your decency and kindness. Especially me. Given my track record, I am particularly fond of kind actors. (PAUSE FOR LAUGHS FROM MY INTERNIST AND JUNGIAN THERAPIST) Speaking of writers, I also want to acknowledge the most incredible writing staff in the business: Lee Aronsohn, Don Foster, Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts, Jim Patterson and Susan Beavers. (ADD QUICKLY) That's her real name. Please don't bleep me! (LOOK AT SUSAN AND WINK KNOWINGLY) There is no laughter on Two and a Half Men without all you guys. (MENTALLY PREPARE FOR BITTER CONTRACT RENEGOTIATIONS) I also want to thank all the folks at Warner Brothers for supporting our little show. A little show which, by the way, will probably generate enough profit for those knuckleheads to pay off the remake of the Poseidon Adventure. (PAUSE TO DETERMINE WHY I HAVE IMPULSE TO SAY THINGS THAT WILL DESTROY MY CAREER) And finally, in a world filled with so much bloodshed, so much hunger and disease, poverty and natural tragedies, it is comforting to know that tonight...(PAUSE FOR EFFECT) Two and a Half Men won an Emmy! (FEIGN HUMILITY) 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 ZEN NOIR The hardest journey is the one which leads to the truth. I didn't know that when I began my little midnight ramble. If I had, I probably would've stayed home, drank myself stupid and watched Ferguson until the big nod closed my book for the day. But there I was, standing outside her house, looking up at her bedroom window while a cold rain whipped me in the face like I'd somehow pissed it off. I could see her kissing him. I could see her as she slowly descended beneath the window frame. I could see him too. He just stood there smiling, like the canary who got eaten by the cat. But then a funny thing happened while I was dancing the voyeuristic bebop in my terribly trendy, bright-green plastic shoes. I found myself thinking that the aching loneliness I was feeling had its roots in something much deeper than being eighty-sixed to a one bedroom efficiency in the marina by a dame who digs deep into the degrading bang-bang in order to make up for an emotionally distant father. No, this was the pain of existential separateness. The false sense that one is fundamentally apart from people, things, life, the whole damn universe. In a blinding flash I realized that what I was really experiencing was the result of a life-long indoctrination by a culture which elevates individualism above all else, thus causing a soul-crushing sense of aloneness which demands over and under the counter medication, the constant distraction of sporting events, TV, major motion pictures and a pop-tabloid religion based on celebrity worship/crucifixion. Of course this epiphany did not deter me from pulling the roscoe out of my fanny pack and going into the house to TC of B. As I crossed up the stairs I could feel my wet tube socks squishing through the little round holes of my polyurethane crocs. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Awright, shut up, siddown and listen. I am da immortal spirit Sheldon Leonard and for da last few years I've been using da body of Chuck Lorre to channel my ideas for new sitcoms. For da record, he's a stinkin' lousy channel and my ideas are much better than what he's puttin' on television. Dis is why I am breaking my anonymity. No matter how specifical I tell da kid what to write, he still manages to cock it up. Dharma & Greg? What da hell was dat? I specifically said "do a show about a queer guy who loves a straight chick, and she loves him back, but they can't, you know, bump uglies." But does Lorre listen? No way Jose. The putz turns it inside out, winds up with hippie chick loves uptight lawyer and then wonders why he can't buy an Emmy. (I did find a writing team to act as a channel for dat pitch, which worked out pretty good, Emmy and cash-wise.) Anyway, back to Lorre. Couple years later while he's sleepin', I whisper to him, "Two brudders inherit a midget." Funny, right? What's Lorre do? You got it. Two and a Half Men. Gimme a break! Anyway, I decide to give the mook one last chance. While he's under da gas at the dentist, I tell him to do a show about four wise guys and a sexy dame what knows da score. So what does da knucklehead do? Scientists and a waitress! It just breaks my heart. But at least the dope managed to slip my name in dis one. Now if you'll excuse me, I gotta schlep over to Milton Berle's crypt for a little pinochle with the boys. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 ONE HUNDRED! To all of our loyal viewers, from everyone at Two and a Half Men, a deeply heartfelt thank you for supporting our show. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Last winter the magazine Entertainment Weekly did a story about me in which I was called "the angriest man in television." When the article came out I shrugged and said things like, "Oh, it's just a trashy tabloid, it doesn't mean anything." But you know what? That's a lot of crap. It's taken me ten months to get in touch with my feelings about that article (pretty quick for a guy), and guess what? I'm angry! How dare anyone suggest I have no right to feel what I feel? If you're even barely engaged in this world, anger manifests itself constantly (assuming you're not medicated, which I am not, dammit to hell!). And let's be totally honest here, anger does a lot of good. It clenches my stomach muscles into a tight knot so I can look good with my shirt tucked in. It adds hours and hours of productivity by keeping me awake until five o'clock in the morning. It's a constant reminder that I should never own a gun. It makes golf an opportunity to practice my javelin toss. It fills me with joy every time Lewis Black is on The Daily Show. It adds sizzle to caffeine. It whispers to me that I'm fine, that I don't need to slow down, and that my cardiologist is an idiot. It keeps people at a healthy distance during flu season (and the rest of the year as well). And finally, it encourages me to use my vanity card to foolishly burn bridges with TV critics. Hey EW! Do not screw with me. I've got two vanity cards now, and I'm not afraid to use 'em! Okay, the sun's coming up, I'm gonna try and get some sleep. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dear fellow comedy writers, As a child of the sixties, I survived being associated with chuck meat, chuck wagons, chucking a ball and a catchy little pop song entitled "The Name Game" ("Sally Sally bo-baly, bananna-fanna fo-fally, fee-fi fo-mally, Sally"). Imagine that rhyming pattern with Chuck and then imagine living through the sixth grade. Later in life I grinned and beared my way through a seemingly endless series of movies about a killer doll named Chucky. Oh, what joy I felt when friends would gleefully point out billboards announcing the sequels, The Bride of Chucky and The Seed of Chucky. And now, there is a spate of film and television projects that have brilliantly re-discovered the humorous use of my name. Beginning with I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, followed by Good Luck Chuck, then a TV series entitled, get ready to laugh, Chuck, a Kelsey Grammer sitcom in which he plays a guy named, get ready to spit milk up through your nose, Chuck Darling, and Pushing Daisies, a supernatural thing which features a pretty female lead named, because it's so damned, freaking funny, Chuck. And if that weren't enough, I recently received a gift of a John Varvatos designer t-shirt inexplicably emblazoned with the phrase Chuck is God. All of which is why I am respectfully requesting a moratorium on the comedic use of my name. I know we're too far down the cultural road to go back to using "Bob," but I'm sure if we put our heads together we can find some suitably funny alternatives. I know it can be done. My first title idea for Dharma & Greg was Dharma & Chuck, but a strong work ethic and a smart writing partner got me past it. See ya on the picket line! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I'm writing this vanity card at six o'clock in the morning on October 18, 2007. It's my birthday. I am fifty-five years old. I have long ago become invisible to young women. They actually do not see me. But I am not writing this to complain. I am at peace with my circumstances. The blessing of fifty-five is a libido in decline. The curse of it is that major pharmaceutical companies are successfully exploiting my insecurities. Suddenly that surreal commercial of a silver-haired guy sitting naked in an outdoor bath tub and holding hands with a naked, slightly younger woman in an adjacent tub makes perfect sense (if I had produced that spot I would've have given him a small plasma screen TV so he could watch ESPN during his hang time). I'm also mesmerized by the commercial featuring middle-aged men gleefully celebrating their ability to drink water and drive long distances (I particularly enjoy that the slightly younger women in that one are turned on knowing that their geezers don't have to urinate frequently). Anyway, it's my birthday today. If you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go suck on my bronchitis inhaler so that later today I can blow out the candles without hacking up a lung. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 192 Sometimes, for no apparent reason, the writers on Two and a Half Men like to get together and beat the crap out of our editor, Joe Bella. http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc192big.jpg 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Show of hands, during the climactic, face-scrunching moment of the sex act, how many of you out there sometimes find yourself thinking, "Gee, I must look pretty silly right about now"? C'mon, be honest... Okay, I understand. This is a little too intimate for a public conversation. How about if we do it this way: If you're alone right now, just nod. If you're reading this with your sexual partner, simply look at them, smile sheepishly, then, when they smile back, suddenly twist your face into your freakiest orgasm position. If they laugh, know you're in good company. Give them a hug, hit the play button on your DVR and watch Two and a Half Men. If they don't laugh, hit the play button on your DVR, watch Two and a Half Men, then go out and find a new partner. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I may not have had the best childhood, but I've certainly had the longest. (anonymous) 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Cards with Imagery - 195 United we stand. http://www.chucklorre.com/images/vc195gif.gif 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 my soul's journey To let go of the fear and anger which imprisons my heart, To relinquish all childish expectations and live joyfully in the world as it is - not as I wish or imagine it to be, To be free of the always craven and ever-craving ego, To be released from the endless hungers of the body, To see God in others, To see God in everything, To die without death and merge my consciousness into the cosmic sea of bliss from which I came, To crank out two sitcoms a week that can compete with a deaf chick dancing her ass off... This is my soul's journey. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 About a year ago I received a phone call from a mid-level CBS exec who began the conversation by saying he wanted to give me a head's up. Having been in this business a while I knew that "head's up" is code for, "we've decided to screw you, but didn't want you to hear about it from your agent... or urologist." In this case the head's up was that CBS was going to stream several episodes of Two and a Half Men on their web site. When I asked how they intended to pay the writers, actors and directors of those episodes, I was told that the streaming was considered "promotional," therefore no residuals would be forthcoming. (He didn't really use the word "forthcoming," I just think it's better story-telling if the bad guy is articulate.) I took a moment to let his words sink in, to let the moment play out, if you will. Then, for no reason whatsoever, I switched to a phony southern accent and asked, "Is there paid advertisin' on that ol' internet site you fellas are runnin'?" The exec was completely thrown off-balance by the utterly surreal quality of my good ol' boy act and blurted out, "Yes! I'm sorry! I know it's wrong, don't shoot me, I'm just the messenger!" (Actually, all he said was "yes," but once again I think good story-telling demands a panicked confession from the running dog of evil corporate bullies.) Anyhoo, this was the first time I knew a brutal strike was coming - if you don't count the day, four and a half years ago, when I sat in Patric Verrone's backyard and listened to him lay out his plan to bring justice and fair play to show business. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: 198c Well, wouldn't ya' know it. Just two episodes back from the strike and I've already managed to write a vanity card that is completely unacceptable to the good folks at CBS. I wasn't trying to offend. Honest. I just saw an opportunity to poke some proverbial fun, to knosh on the hand that feeds, if you will. They were not amused. If you would like to read my latest exercise in poor judgement, I'm sure you can find it somewhere on that thing we writers were striking to claim dominion over. Just to be on the safe side, I apologize in advance. Please know that my aim was only to provoke a bit of gaiety through the judicious use of a little thing I like to call "the truth." Unfortunately, in the television business, the truth rarely sets anyone free. More often than not, it just pisses them off. The Censored Version: In tonight's episode we explored the subject of lying to avoid hurting someone's feelings. During the climactic final scene, the character of "Cousin Leo" blamed his fabricated drug addiction on having been molested in the Philippines by an equally fabricated Naval officer named Chaplain Horrigan. In the original shooting script the make-believe molester was called Father Horrigan. CBS strongly objected to this. Their concern was that Catholic viewers would be offended by any suggestion that a Catholic priest would molest a child. I argued that several billion dollars in punitive damage payments established a reasonable link between priests and diddled kids. My argument fell on deaf ears (no offense to our hearing-impaired viewers). Outraged, I decided I was an eight-hundred pound gorilla and threatened to shoot the scene as written. Their lawyers, eight-pound spider monkeys at best, threatened to cut it. I immediately blinked and changed the word "father" to "chaplain." CBS's problem went away. Apparently, a non-denominational, drunken pedophile is inoffensive. But more importantly, our Catholic viewers did not get their feelings hurt.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Tonight's episode was about Charlie being drugged and imprisoned by his stalker, Rose. In addition, we did jokes about nasal spray being an effective aid for love-making, a young boy's desire to go to a strip bar, a mother cavalierly assuming that her son has some sort of third-world venereal disease, a Korean woman suffocating from the toxic fumes she inhales painting the toe nails of a "white she-bitch," stalking the British Royal Family, a woman holding a man's penis while he urinates, two men being interrupted while defecating, suppositories as a barbiturate delivery system, and finally, a hooker used to purposely transmit a viral infection. But the joke that we could not put in the show tonight, the one comic moment that CBS Broadcast Standards absolutely refused to bend on, was a harmless bit of word play which required the mention of a name-brand hard liquor. When I asked why, I was told it's against CBS corporate policy. I desperately wanted a drink. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Two hundred vanity cards. I have now amassed a body of work that can safely be called "pointlessly unique." In the history of literary efforts, there has never been a literary effort quite like this one. Okay, literary might be pushing it, but I don't think I'm engaging in hyperbole when I say that it's highly unlikely my achievement will ever be duplicated, let alone surpassed. Why? Well, most show creators who are awarded the hallowed, second-and-a-half, end-of-episode "hey everybody, look at me!" card, have better things to do. Those that have no life (a goodly number), are simply not compelled to vomit up weekly offerings of painfully personal, petty, mock-metaphysical, self-congratulatory, rage-filled, and regretfully sarcastic essays that occasionally haunt them forever. Sure, non-showrunners can write a weekly essay of no particular value. But for it to be considered a true vanity card, it must be attached to the ass end of a television show. And let's keep in mind I've made a lot more shows than vanity cards. There were many weeks on Dharma & Greg and Two and a Half Men when I was too wasted (mostly in the literary sense) to write something coherent. Anyway, I wanted to use this momentous card to celebrate my accomplishment because, well... no one else was jumping up to do it. Two hundred cards! Boy, oh boy, that is really something... Oh God, I'm so lonely. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The Four Formless States of Consciousness in Buddhism: AKASANANTYAYATANA: We become limitless space. VIJNANANANTYAYATANA: We reach the state of limitless consciousness. AKINCANYAYATANA: We meditate on the non-distinction between the knower and the known. NAIVASANJNANASANJNAYATANA: We become the state of neither perception nor non-perception. Just thought you should know so that when you achieve these states you'll know what to tell your friends. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Tonight's story about Sheldon's ego being crushed following his encounter with a young prodigy has its roots in my own life. Around 1974 I was playing guitar for a living in Miami Beach. I was twenty-two years old and thought I was really something. In the parlance of musicians, I felt I had some "serious chops." Nights I played clubs, hotels, and private parties. For a few months I worked in a lounge band on a cruise ship. I even landed a day gig playing acoustic solo stuff at a coffee house in South Beach. That was where a professor from the University of Miami saw me play, dug what I was doing, and invited me to audit his jazz guitar class at the university. I happily accepted, thinking I might be able to teach the kids a thing or two. I still remember the first class, me sitting in the back proudly holding my beat-up '64 Fender Strat, while the college students all cradled expensive Gibsons. Of course, this only made me feel more smug. I was a working musician. These were rich kids in a rich school with instruments that daddy bought 'em. But then something happened that would change my life forever. A painfully shy, sixteen year old boy walked into the room. He could barely speak nor make eye contact with anyone, seemed dwarfed by his big jazz guitar, and was ludicrously introduced as a visiting professor to the university. His name was Pat Metheny. I'll never forget how I felt when he began to play. It was an imploding feeling, like the kind you get when your ego is being demolished like an old Vegas casino. Thankfully, the feeling was accompanied by a soft, reassuring voice in my head that whispered, "Find work in television, nobody's a prodigy there." Thirteen years later I listened to that voice (I may have been deluded, but I was no quitter). Oh, and Pat, if you happen to read this... thank you. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR He or she should know the difference between Shiites and Shinola...and Sunnis, too. Whether it's true or not, he or she should not brag about taking their child into a sniper zone. He or she should avoid religious leaders who wear dashikis. He or she should be forgiving when it comes to adultery. He or she's favorite movie should not be The Manchurian Candidate. If he or she dumped their first spouse for a rich broad who owns a liquor company, they should promote this aspect of their resume. They're my kind of guy... or gal. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Audio http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=204 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Audio http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=205 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I think we can all agree that the cliche, "no pain, no gain," is a fundamental truth. When we experience physical pain in the gym, we gain muscles and stamina. When we endure hardship and sacrifice in order to succeed, we gain a feeling of satisfaction and achievement, not to mention financial rewards. When we truly embrace emotional pain, we gain compassion for the suffering of others, an appreciation for the fleeting nature of things, as well as wisdom and spiritual humility. Every act of birth is an act of pain. Our very lives are sustained by the suffering and death of plants and animals, who in turn are sustained by other organisms having a very bad day. That being said, I think we can also agree that this system sucks and needs to be seriously re-jiggered. Now I'm not saying I have a better approach than this pain/gain thing that's been in place for millions of years - but that doesn't mean we couldn't start tossing around some ideas. For instance, why couldn't an infrastructure for life be developed around the theme, "no dream, no gain?" Sounds like heaven, right? Or is dreaming too easy? Would life quickly become complacent and cease to gain? But then, is gain really that critical? Or is gain the whole point? Is the fact that life exists at all proof that God or the universe hates complacency? It certainly explains why aboriginal people are constantly being murdered for the sake of "progress." It even explains why HBO went down the toilet. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Hey, Chuck, what do all those TV writing credits mean? I'm glad you asked. The first credit you see on the screen is story editor. It's worth noting that story editors don't edit stories. Their main job is to exist in a constant state of paranoia about being fired because no one sees how brilliant they are. An executive story editor is a story editor with a cool-sounding word added to their title. In order to qualify as a story editor, one must have spent some time as a lowly staff writer. Interestingly, staff writer is the only writing credit that actually has the word "writer" in it. It is also the only credit that does not appear on the screen. I'm told that this curious lack of acknowledgement was devised by The Writers' Guild. The writing credit above story editor is co-producer. No aspect of the show is produced by the co-producer. Next up we have producer. Again, nothing about the show is produced by a producer, but if they aren't fired they're pretty much guaranteed becoming a supervising producer. One would think there'd be some supervision or producing at this level. One would be wrong. Climb the ladder another rung and you reach co-executive producer. This is usually a talented writer who has endured years of emotional punishment for creative input, an office with a window, infertility and/or premature baldness. Then there is the consulting producer. Consulting producers are usually former executive producers who are willing to work for less than their usual fee but don't want anyone to find out. Finally, at the top of the TV food chain, is the executive producer. The executive producer is either the creator/head writer who will die of a massive heart attack trying to supervise every aspect of production, a co-executive producer who was conned into dropping the "co" from their title in lieu of money, the star, the star's boyfriend, the star's manager, or a former network executive who fell ass backwards into a pot of gold. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Audio http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=208 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 REFLECTIONS ON AN EXPERIMENT - From the writers of "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation": Never underestimate the value of feeling stupid. Year after year, you toil away in your own little corner of the world - decapitating, eviscerating, electrocuting, suffocating, occasionally squishing Ð- and pretty soon, you've got it all down pat. You use phrases like "subdural hematoma" in casual conversation and laugh when someone mistakes the color of urine fluorescing under an ALS for that of blood. And then one day, for reasons which can only be explained by some form of mass chemical imbalance, you and several other maniacs decide that it would be fun to rip yourselves from your wombs and visit a very different world, one in which all the arcane knowledge and craft you've carefully accumulated over the course of a career is suddenly and utterly worthless. A world where the only rule is whether or not it makes you laugh, where actors say exactly what's on the page so it better be funny right down to the syllable, and where puns are the lowest form of humor. And as you grapple with your fundamental inability to do any of these things particularly well, you realize that you have so much more to learn. And that's a good thing to be reminded of, at least from time to time. So thank you, Chuck, and Lee, and everybody else at "Two & A Half Men" for making us all feel stupid. We look forward to returning the favor this Thursday night at 9. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that in order to walk through grief, fear, loneliness, despair, confusion and anger without recourse to drugs, alcohol, over-eating, over-sexing, or the endless mind-numbing distractions provided by Western culture, one must become a spiritual warrior. I further believe that the pay-off for enduring suffering, for soberly embracing the inevitable bouts of emotional pain that life brings, is wisdom and serenity in the face of calamity. But make no mistake here, the path of the warrior is treacherous and cannot be walked alone. To survive, he must have brothers and sisters-in-arms to carry him when he buckles. When we lived and died in small tribes, this principle of mutually supporting one another through the trials of life was deeply woven into the fabric of the group mind. With the advent of towns and cities we were forced to live with the daily dilemma of being desperately alone and yet desperately needing one another. Which is why we are, by design, always seeking new tribes. With that in mind, I humbly offer a simple guideline to evaluate the efficacy of any tribe you might encounter on your path to becoming a spiritual warrior: if they ask for your money or access to your crotch, run away. If they ask for your money, smile unceasingly, never blink, and guarantee to make you a demi-god, running away will not suffice. Change your mailing address and briefly reconsider drugs, alcohol, food, sex and TV. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 When I began writing these vanity cards, I never in my wildest dreams imagined that one day they would be the subject of an extensive article in The Wall Street Journal (or as I like to call it, The Depressingly Inevitable Next Step Toward the End of a Free Press in America, Thanks a Lot Rupert, Journal). But I digress into a bitter diatribe on the profit-fueled degradation of journalism that spells the end of any hope for rational debate in this country from my initial point - which is, gratitude for all the attention my cards are receiving. I mean, let's face it, a vanity card, by definition, is merely an exercise in personal vanity. The truly legitimate production card at the end of each episode belongs to the Warner Brothers Corporation. They're the monolithic, multi-tiered, entirely un-integrated, boy-did-we-make-a-colossal-boo-boo-with-AOL entity which owns the facility we shoot in, deficit-finances production, distributes the shows around the world, and most importantly, maintains the shaky book-keeping necessary to hide the profits while blowing a fortune on Speed Racer. But once again, I digress. I should also add that I am aware and deeply appreciative of the blogging that goes on around my cards. I do occasionally lurk at various web sites to see what folks are saying. I enjoy the discourse while simultaneously feeling a deep, nagging fear that any of these people might someday learn my home address 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that the voices of fear, both from without and within, can only be dispelled by trusting the voice that comes from the heart. Be still and listen to it. If it speaks of love and compassion for others, for the world itself, it just might be the voice of God - or a reasonable facsimile. If, however, it snarls with fear of the unknown, fear of losing what you have or of not getting what you want, then it just might be the voice of Rupert Murdoch - or a reasonable facsimile. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Tonight's show ends our fifth season. It's hard to believe that when we began I was thirty-eight years old, could bench press two hundred and sixty pounds, run a four minute mile, calculate pi to eighty decimals in my head, kick a fifty yard field goal into a stiff head wind, hit a ninety mile an hour curve ball, play scratch golf from the gold tees, sing like Ray Charles, write like Philip Roth, make love like a jackhammer that's not afraid to share its feelings, and dance the fandango. But hey, isn't suspension of disbelief what this business is all about? Anyway, the point of this card was not to wax nostalgic for a me that is hopefully thriving in an alternate universe. The point was to express my gratitude to everyone who made time in their busy lives to watch Two and a Half Men. Your loyalty and support is something we never take for granted. Please know that our sole intention has always been to create laughter, never to offend. It is on this basis, and this basis alone, that I am constantly defending jokes to the CBS censor (a lovely, sweet-tempered lady who regularly proves that people of color can blush). Although to be completely honest, in tonight's season finale, Evelyn's line to her handsome young beau as to which movie to see at a multiplex, "You pick darling, you're the one who'll be facing the screen," kind of offends me. Where's a blushing censor when you need one? 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 We confuse naming a thing with knowing it. For instance, how does one know a chair? Well, what is a chair? Is it the word? The sound, "chair?" The image in your mind of four legs, a seat and a back? Or is it wood from a tree that sprouted into existence from a seed that has travelled from tree to tree for millions of years, each tree's survival dependent upon a fragile ecological balance, a perfect blend of minerals, sunlight, weather, and, ultimately, sub-atomic particles that have been zipping around since the birth of the universe? Add to that the billions of years and infinite forces essential to creating the conditions needed for human beings to exist, cut down the tree, haul it to a mill, carve it into smaller pieces, send it to a chair factory, shape it into a chair, ship it to a store, purchase it, stick it in an SUV and drive it home so that an equally complex ass can sit on it, and you begin to know a chair. In other words, when we truly look deeply into the one thing, we see it is, in fact, the all, and, of course, contained within the all, is the one thing. Which is why I never get upset about winning or losing an Emmy. How can I? I am an Emmy. Right now Tina Fey is sitting at home clutching me to her relatively ample bosom. Feels good. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 *Mr. Misogyny's Tips For Breaking Through the Glass Ceiling SHRILL BAD, DUSKY GOOD: No man can happily work or vote for a woman whose voice sounds like a mom or wife yelling at him. Whether running a Fortune Five Hundred company or running for office, women should practice speaking like Kathleen Turner in Body Heat. (If you have small children present, rent Who Framed Roger Rabbit and check out Jessica Rabbit.) POWER WORDS: Down through the ages there have been secret words and phrases that a select group of women have known and used to give them control over men. Use them wisely and you'll be on the other side of that glass ceiling before you know it. A short list includes: panties, huge, amazing and "anything you want, just hurry." For increased effectiveness, say these power words like Kathleen Turner. BOOBS: If you got' em, flaunt' em. If you don't got' em, buy' em. (CAUTION: This will cause other women to hate you. Do not despair. Once you and your terrific rack are running things, you can fire the jealous bitches.) POLITICALLY CORRECT FLIRTING: There is no such thing. That being said, if, by subtle words or actions, you can make a man feel sexually viable, he will act like a fool and you can steal his job. If you think that's cruel, you're not ready to break through the glass ceiling and should instead consider marrying a fat guy with hedge fund money and a history of confusing his erection pills with his heart medication. * The views and opinions of Mr. Misogyny are not endorsed, held, or shared by Chuck Lorre Productions, Chuck Lorre, anyone who works for Chuck Lorre, or any of his friends, neighbors and relatives. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A MESSAGE TO MY DISCIPLES From the deathless guru Swami Shamalamadingdong In my former incarnation, I passed beyond the state of sabikalpa samadhi into the rapturous bliss of nirbikalpa amadhi. Shortly thereafter, at the age of three hundred and four, I let go of my body and released my consciousness into the swirl of the infinite, uniting with the Primal Divine. In 1952 my essence reincarnated into a blue-collar Jewish family on Long Island. Since then I have dropped out of college, dropped a lot of acid, smoked a bunch of reefer, gargled with bourbon, divorced twice and am currently not talking with my sister (not my fault, honest). So, now that you're all caught up, I need to ask, why have you not come to find me, oh faithful disciples? Wasn't that the plan? Well, no biggie. Holy water under the bridge (heh, heh, heh). I just wanted you to know I'm currently in L.A writing and producing sitcoms. Feel free to drop by and worship in the ol' radiance. Maybe we can even start a religion. I could sure use the tax break. Thursdays are a little tough because of editing and preshoots, but Friday before the audience show can probably work (after my nap, please). Call my loyal assistant Mona and ask for a drive-on. Please don't tell her I'm a perfectly realized spiritual being. She's not ready to hear the truth which is why, out of kindness, your swami pretends to be a pampered, grouchy schmuck. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: 217c Tonight's vanity card is about censorship. It was censored. So here it is: Words that confuse the CBS censor: fecund, penal, taint, titmouse, cockamamie, cockatoo, cocksure, coccyx, ballcock, cockeye, prick, prickly, kumquat, titter, cunning linguist, insertion, gobble, guzzle, swallow, manhole, rimshot, ramrod, come, fallacious, lugubrious, rectify, Uranus, angina, paradiddle, spotted dick, dictum, frock, cunctation, engorge, turgid, stiff, bush, uvula, crapulence, masticate, Dick Butkus, gherkin and, of course, the always bewildering lickety-split. As you can see, context is everything. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Starting a family when you're young is tough sledding. I know. I did it. And without a sled. Heck, without snow! Which is why I am hereby offering Levi Johnston $100,000 to help him and his lovely young bride-to-be, Bristol, get started.* Levi, if you're reading this, please know that all I'm asking for in return is an opportunity to sit and talk with you in a casual, private setting (I'll happily supply the beer). My reason for wanting to do this is simple: I'm a comedy writer and I get the feeling you have some funny stories to tell. In addition, if the video of our conversation should generate any income, I will not only split the profits with you, I will also donate my share to the charity of your choice (is there a foundation for children with hockey-related head injuries?). Anyway, Levi, I look forward to hearing from you. And no matter what your decision is, always remember, I'm pulling for you, dude. P.S. Don't listen to your friends, you look good in a suit. P.S.S. See if Bristol is open to having two more kids. If so, you can call the last one "Hat Trick." How cool would that be? *Offer expires at midnight, November 3rd. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 On a recent trip to Las Vegas I watched a grim, beer-bellied man row a gondola filled with tourists through the "canals of Venice." This was his job. At some point he had to have filled out an application and undergone an interview process to determine if he had the necessary skills to be a pretend gondolier eight hours a day, five days a week. As he glided past me I found myself imagining him walking into his house at the end of a long day, tossing his keys into the cheap ceramic bowl by the front door and sadly calling out to his wife, "I'm home." To which she would cheerfully respond, "How was work today, sweetie?" But instead of saying "fine," which was how he answered that question every other day, he paused and considered the days' events, and all the events that had led him to this point in his life. Then he crossed to the hall closet, took down a shoe box from the hat shelf, removed a small caliber pistol that he'd bought for home protection, and immediately blew his brains out all over the badly framed photograph of him rowing Barry Manilow. Waking from my brief reverie, I found myself suddenly filled with compassion and respect for this stranger of the inland sea. Compassion for his quiet desperation. And respect that he chose not to take his cheerful wife with him. I don't know about you, but Vegas always does this to me. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Friday morning, October 10, 2008 Watching the market fall as precipitously as the hopes and dreams of NBC and ABC executives, I can't help but think that there are two bets I can make right now. One is on the simple inertia of a world economy created by hundreds of millions of people creating and servicing stuff that other people need and want. The other bet is on canned goods and guns. Since I've never actually fired a weapon and I'm not sure where my can opener is, I've decided to go with bet number one. If I'm wrong and the market continues to descend like a drug-addled hooker with vertigo, it's reasonable to assume that any new world order created by the complete collapse of the free market system will have little use for a comedy writer. For that reason I think it only prudent to hedge my bet. This weekend I plan on learning a few new survival skills, beginning with foraging for berries and hiding from people whose skill set includes shooting wildlife from helicopters. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 We have once again arrived at a moment in history where the truth can be defined as "that which you can make other people believe." The methodology for creating that belief is repetition. Say something enough times and it becomes, for millions of people, the truth. I am endowed like a stallion. This is why control of the media equals control of the populace. I am endowed like a stallion. And also why a state run television news channel is so very dangerous. I am endowed like a stallion. Now there are those who would argue this has already happened and that a certain cable news channel is actually a covert extension of our government. I am endowed like a stallion. The fact that the channel is run by a high-ranking party official, an anchor person from the channel became a White House spokesman, and another top-ranking party official became an on-air news commentator is often used to make this argument. I am endowed like a stallion. Of course, this fact would be entirely inconsequential if the oft-repeated falsehoods they attempt to imbed into the Zeitgeist were simply amusing, or at worst, inane. I am endowed like a stallion. But, unfortunately, that is not the case. I am endowed like a stallion. The heavy repetition of lies and smears for political gain are by no means inconsequential. I am endowed like a stallion. Which is why each and every one of us must use whatever resources we have at our disposal to disseminate the actual truth. I am endowed like a pony. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The Racism of King Kong In all three film versions of the basic story, we are led to believe that Kong regularly feasts on native girls. Female human sacrifice is how the locals appease him. Then, in each re-telling, he is transformed from mindless, blood-thirsty carnivore to smitten, suicidal love monkey by a skinny, blonde-haired white girl (Fay Wray, Jessica Lange, Naomi Watts). Given this behavioral trend, it is my contention that King Kong would eat Halle Berry. This troubles me deeply and I wanted to share it with you. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: 223c Once again, my efforts at comedy have been rebuked by the powers that be. And so here it is: OPEN LETTER TO SUMNER REDSTONE Dear Sumner, Just saw that you're single again. I'm sorry, dude. Love hurts. I too have recently returned to being the loneliest number. Which is what got me to thinking that maybe you and me could hang out, you know, hit some clubs, chat up the ladies. I've gotta believe you'd make a killer wingman (ooh, great idea for a dating/reality show: "Prenup Chuck and the Endless Sumner"). I also saw that you're going through a little tough time in the ol' money department. Not to worry. The drinks are on me. You can tip the waitress... if you promise not to marry her! (Just kidding. I kid the moguls. Ask Rupert.) Your pal, Chuck 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 EXT. CEMETERY - NIGHT The CAMERA PANS across the headstones and crypts as we HEAR: JOHN (V.O.) Some people say there's no god. I disagree. I think there're actually four gods: The god of money, the god of medicine, the god of war and the god of technology. Like it or not, these are the gods that rock our world. I mean, when stuff goes seriously wrong who do you call? Your priest or your lawyer? Your rabbi or your doctor? Your minister or a cop? Your monk or the smug little geek who set up your home entertainment system? But while the gods of tech, medicine, guns and money give us the illusion of being safe, they don't give our lives meaning. For that we need other gods. And who are these other gods? Well, look around. They're sports stars, movie stars, rock stars, the occasional political and business figures, cute chicks who become princesses, and rich chicks who don't seem to require food. These are the deities who connect us with our abandoned inner selves. Their joy is our joy, their suffering is our suffering. We love and fear them, and occasionally crucify them. Which is a long-winded way of getting to what I do for a living. I buy and trade relics: the physical remains of dead gods. The CAMERA FINDS: JOHN, a happy-go-lucky, long-haired guy in his late twenties. At the moment John is digging up the body of JIMI HENDRIX. In between shovels he looks up, smiles and WAVES AT THE CAMERA. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 We exist to bear witness. We had to be. The infinite needs us to see it. Without the perceiver, the perceived does not exist. That gives us leverage. Don't look until you get what you want.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A special thank you to the Parents Television Council Every time you single out Two and a Half Men for being a horrible and tasteless television show, our ratings go up. Since you do this pretty regularly, I've gotta believe that's your intention. Well, kudos! Very crafty on your part. Were you to simply label the show as being funny and naughty (what my eighty-nine year old aunt in Fort Lauderdale calls it), our viewership would probably remain unaffected. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I'm sending you a big box of tasty cupcakes as a way of expressing my gratitude. I hope they add a little sweetness to your next meeting. Keep up the good work Parents Television Council! Oh, and if it's not too much trouble, could you please condemn The Big Bang Theory... and my stock portfolio. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Dear George Lucas, May I call you Mr. Lucas? On behalf of the writers of The Big Bang Theory, I would like to thank you for your astounding body of work, which has awakened the child within us and unleashed our dreams. That being said, we hope you don't take offense at our good-natured jest regarding your most recent animated efforts. Yes they were cheap shots, but we can't help but hold you to a higher standard - a standard of your own making. In closing, we are all looking forward to Indiana Jones 5 - The Curse of the Golden Catheter. Oops, sorry again. Very truly yours, The Writers P.S. To William Shatner, director of Star Trek 5. Go ahead, sue us. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 We were recently slammed by something called the Parents Television Council. Rather than protest, I wrote a vanity card thanking them for the plug and sent them a box of fancy cupcakes. They promptly responded with a cute thank you letter suggesting that I might've poisoned the cupcakes. The letter went on to explain how they planned to employ one of their young interns as a food taster. If he did not die from eating one of my cupcakes, the rest of the PTC staff would happily dig in. If he did die, they would happily hire an attorney, sue me and become wealthy. Cute, right? But then I got to thinking, this is an organization that exists solely to protect the youth of America from entertainment they find objectionable. And yet their immediate response to a box of cupcakes - albeit in joke form - was to sacrifice a young member of their team. Say what you will about the comic content on Two and a Half Men, when suspicious food arrives at our offices we would never dream of asking a young intern to test it. We'd ask an old writer. And only because the body of an aging comedy writer is capable of ingesting poison and turning it into TV. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 NOVEMBER 16, 2008 As I sit by my window and watch the leaves on the trees turn from green to brown, and from brown to fire, I can't help but reflect on the two seasons of Southern California. Inferno and flood. Soon the stinging smoke, raging wildfires and inevitable pyromaniacs will give way to months and months of biblical rain. And with that rain will come the memories... a home perched on a hilltop becoming garbage nestled in a valley, an idiot falling into the L.A. River and trying unsuccessfully to crawl up its cement banks, another genius being lifted off the roof of his car by a helicopter in Encino, the cliffs above Pacific Coast Highway collapsing yet again and causing Malibu residents so much inconvenience, Bob Myer reassuring me that writing the second act of a Roseanne episode at two in the morning is more in my self-interest than trying to drive home and move my stuff to the second floor (but more likely becoming one of the knuckleheads standing on the roof of his car praying for a chopper). But I, as is my nature, whataya gonna do, I yam what I yam, digress. Eventually the rains will stop, the underbrush will grow, the drought will come, the drought will linger -- maybe for years, until the mountains and hillsides once again explode with "Live At Five", "Film at Eleven" hellfire, and thus continue the cycle of seasons of Southern California... if you don't count earthquakes and riots. And strikes. And award season. No insurance policy protects against the damage done by award season. Oops, I digressed again. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 As the great wheel of our democracy rolls forward, I think it's important to take a moment and remember a forgotten hero. A man who so loved his country, he was willing to put on a suit purchased by a personal shopper, stand on a Minneapolis stage in front of a national audience and fake being happy about his impending shotgun wedding. Then, because he is a true patriot, he voluntarily ceased to exist for the next eight weeks. Of course I'm talking about Levi Johnston. Well, Levi, if you're reading this, know that you've served your country well and you're free now. Go! Run! Live your life! Or, you could acquiesce to marriage (look up acquiesce, you'll get a kick out of it), in exchange for a plum job fighting crime in the frozen wilderness. Who knows, maybe there's a TV show in your life and you'll be famous again. I'm thinking we could call it, Tundra Heat, or, Permafrost Flatfoot, or, Glacier Gumshoe, or, Dude, I Forgot the Condoms. Oh, I so smell an Emmy. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that inherent within the God-given right to the pursuit of happiness, is the equally God-given right to the pursuit of unhappiness. That is why I support gay marriage. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The classic song New York, New York contains the following stanza: If I can make it there, I'll make it anywhere It's up to you - New York, New York. The implications of the lyric are clear - if one has the personal qualities to overcome the formidable obstacles presented by New York City, then one is guaranteed success in less imposing places. Having "made it" in Los Angeles, this troubles me. Is my success forever tainted with an asterisk? Even more upsetting, are there certain zip codes where my talents would most likely fall short? Am I doomed to fail as a sitcom writer in Dripping Springs, Arkansas? Or Mud Hole, Florida? Hell, what are my chances of getting a primetime show in Dry Prong, Louisiana? Having not initially succeeded in New York, the answer, of course, is slim and none. All of which is a long way of explaining why, whenever I hear New York, New York, I have no choice but to mentally replace the lyrics with words more suited to my experience. If I can make it here, I'll make it in several places with a temperate climate but still have the capacity to break your freakin' heart. It's up to you - Los Angeles, California, Los Angeles, California. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Recently the magazine Entertainment Weekly had an article entitled the "The 25 Smartest People in Television." Yours truly was ranked at number twenty. If the article is to be taken seriously, and God knows, why wouldn't any sensible person take it seriously, that means there are currently nineteen people in the TV biz who are smarter than me. Now I'm just thinking out loud here, but if something were to happen to those nineteen people... if say, they were to, one by one, have horrible accidents, or mysteriously disappear, then that would make me, ipso facto, the number one smartest person in television. Then I'd just have to keep an eye on number twenty-one. Christina Wayne, Senior VP of original programming at AMC, looks like the kind of woman who would stop at nothing to move up a spot. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In tonight's episode, the great James Earl Jones delivers Charlie's eulogy during Charlie's imagined funeral. We wrote a portion of it to play in the background so that the scene could progress between Charlie and his pal, Andy (played by the one and only Emilio Estevez). But, as you'll see below, the sub-audible eulogy still managed to become a tale worth telling. JAMES EARL JONES I'd like to take this moment to read one of Charlie's favorite parables. A story which I'm told gave him strength and inspiration during trying times. "Dear Penthouse Forum - I always thought your letters were made up until this happened to me. I was stranded at O'Hare Airport one rainy night when two stewardesses from Lufthansa Airlines noticed the bulge in my carry-on bag. The bulge was actually nothing more than a Monte Cristo sandwich I brought with me in case I got a bit peckish. But homeland security being what it is these days, they requested that I step into a utility closet for a quick pat down and cavity search. The two stews, both named Greta, took turns *#@!&% me like a wild stallion. First it was me and Greta, then it was me and Greta, then it was me, Greta and Greta. Finally, it was Greta and Greta while I finished my sandwich." 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 FOR YOUR CONSIDERATION: (spoiler alert) It's that time of the year when movie studios seeking Oscar nominations for their films start asking for my consideration. Every trade ad and mailing begins with the words, "For your consideration." It's kind of a Hollywood tradition. Anyway, this is what I've considered so far: Milk (a well-meaning gay guy is shot to death by a homophobe), Doubt (A really mean nun accuses a really terrific priest of being a pedophile), Revolutionary Road (a married couple fight a lot, cheat on each other, then the wife bleeds to death following a botched abortion), Slumdog Millionaire (incredibly poor kids subjected to unthinkable evil, but with a happy ending), Defiance (starving Jews fight Nazis in the woods), The Wrestler (a broken-down, over-the-hill wrestler on steroids has a tough life), Changeling (a woman's son is abducted and the police put her in an insane asylum), Gran Torino (a dying widower commits suicide to help his neighbor), Benjamin Button (a guy grows old in reverse and then dies), Rachel Getting Married (a drug addict kills her baby brother and then pisses off her family during a wedding), and The Reader (Nazi atrocities, under-age sex and illiteracy prove to be a lethal combo). So, what am I considering? Well, for a moment or two I actually considered hanging myself. But then I thought, if I do that, the movies win. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Starting 2009 with a bang! CENSORED And this is it: Mom and Dad are fighting again. I used to think they didn't get along 'cause I wasn't good enough. For years and years I tried to be better, hoping that would make them happy and love each other. But even though I became the most popular kid in my class, they still fight - now more than ever. God, if you're listening, please make Mom and Dad be nice to each other. I'm too little to make a difference, but you're God, you can do anything - even help Dad sell off his chain of movie theaters for ten cents on the dollar. Or Showtime. Doesn't matter as long as it's worth forty-nine million dollars and makes Mom stop crying.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 There's a funny moment in tonight's episode where Sheldon gets stuck on a rock-climbing wall and remarks, "What part of an inverse tangent function approaching an asymptote don't you understand?" I thought it'd be helpful to take a moment and examine that joke. A linear asymptote is essentially a straight line to which a graphed curve moves closer and closer but does not reach. In other words, given a function y=fn(x) with asymptote A, A represents a number that, no matter how big (or, given the function, small) you make x, y will never make it to A. The particular example Sheldon quotes is the inverse Tangent function, or Arctangent, which has two asymptotes. If you graph it, it sort of looks like a horizontal S: Graph: No matter how big you make x (that is, how far you move to the right), the function is never going to hit that top line (?/2), and no matter how small x gets (moving to the left), y is never going to be smaller than - ?/2. The more you know, the funnier it gets. Go to for Graph: Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 237 - 1st Aired: 19 January 2009 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 HOW TO CREATE A HIT SITCOM A simple, step-by-step guide to prime time success. by Chuck Lorre © April 2004 Start drinking early. I don't mean early in the day. I mean early in life. Eight years old oughta do the trick. Heavy drinking isn't necessary. All you need is enough hooch to get through a Cub Scout meeting without tearing your skin off. Your ability to make the big bucks as a sitcom writer is directly tied to the sickness of your parents. Stop whining to your therapist and send mom and dad a thank you note for royally fucking you up. Fail to become a member of any group worth joining. Once again, this is something you need to get an early start on. Whether it be athletics, academics or crime, make sure you don't measure up. Social rejection combined with the hard-wired damage done by your folks creates the insecurity and self-loathing necessary for a writer to "know where the funny is." Nurture your fear of women. Long for them. Ache for them. But always keep in mind that you don't deserve them. If you should happen to get involved with one, always remember: If she loves you there is something fundamentally wrong with her. You just can't see it yet. Don't start as a sitcom writer. Find something you love more than life itself and then fail at it. Once the reason God put you here has been revealed to be a cruel hoax, you'll be a better team player. Thoroughly defeated people are more inclined to take those tough network notes. Don't be afraid to experiment with soul-crushing poverty. You'll find yourself ahead of the pack when it comes time to write that warm, family sitcom because you know what it means to enjoy a big bowl of ketchup soup. Don't cheat yourself out of being a colitis patient in a rundown teaching hospital. Dealing with psychotic sitcom divas is a snap for someone who's had an anesthetic-free colonoscopy in front of twenty giggling med students. Join a religious cult. Any cult will do. Just make sure they promise you the one thing you desperately need: power over people, places and things. When, after many years and thousands of dollars you still don't have power over your ulcerative colon, become a bitter door-to-door greeting card salesman and patiently await the day when you can sell your cult accessories on eBay. Marry a woman who is beautiful, kind and loving and encourages you to drink. Have a kid when you're poor and uninsured. Convincing an OB-GYN and an anesthesiologist to perform a caesarean section on credit is invaluable training for really tense pitch meetings. In fact this is such a helpful exercise, have another kid so you can do it twice. Walk in the first door that opens. It doesn't matter if it's the door you want. Someone wants you to write shitty Saturday morning cartoons in order to sell a bunch of shitty toys? What do you care? You left your last shred of personal dignity in the teaching hospital. And your kids still don't have medical insurance. Write the damn thing and see if the check bounces. If it doesn't, write as many as you can before they find out you don't have a fucking clue what you're doing. Ignore your ignorance and make yourself irreplaceable. Work harder than everyone else. If it helps you get through the night, con yourself into thinking that your My Little Pony script will actually impart life lessons to some snot-nosed, lead paint licking kid somewhere. Eat staggering amounts of condescending shit from condescending assholes who don't have children and whose only hope of getting any is with candy and a panel truck. Now that you've scratched and clawed your way into a stable, well-paying job writing Saturday morning cartoons, watch passively as your wife runs out and buys a house. There's nothing like a big mortgage to make sure you don't quit a job that has already begun to kill you. Don't be complacent. A moving target is harder to hit. When the limited animation geniuses go home at night you stay late and write sitcom and drama spec scripts. It doesn't matter if your next job involves writing, "Hey, which one of you kids put a chicken in my pants?" Or, "We caught a floater in the East River. John Doe, shot twice at the base of the skull with a small caliber pistol. Probably a twenty-two." Your goal is to charge through the first open door that has health insurance, residuals and enough prestige to show those dickweeds in high school just how wrong they were about you. Slowly start to destroy your marriage because of many of the unresolved issues mentioned above. Now that you're working it's easy to get an agent. Don't dwell on the fact that the little fuckers wanted nothing to do with you when you were unemployed. Get one anyway. It doesn't even matter which one you pick. For the sake of simplicity, take the first one who says they love your writing. Don't get hung up on whether or not they're lying. You'll be firing them soon. Get your first freelance, sitcom writing assignment for which you are paid the incredible sum of six thousand dollars. Become a proud member of the WGA for the incredible entry fee of six thousand dollars. Attend a 'new members' cocktail party and feel like you've finally joined a club worth belonging to. Enjoy the night immensely because you're blissfully unaware that the next WGA event you'll attend will require you to carry a picket sign. Roll your freelance success into your first sitcom staff job. Sure it's an embarrassingly silly show, but you don't embarrass easily. You still have vivid memories of playing guitar and singing "Big Bad Leroy Brown" at a Filipino wedding in Long Beach for forty dollars and all the lamb kabob you can eat. Continue to work harder than anyone else so you can't be fired. Turn in your first script which follows the executive producer's outline beat for beat. Almost get fired. Quickly write another script which follows your instincts and get an atta boy. Learn a priceless lesson that you will ignore over and over again during the course of your career. Write four scripts in succession that are produced and get paid for none of them because "term writers don't get script fees." This is your first clue that the WGA is not completely on the ball. Continue to eat condescending shit from condescending assholes while working fifteen to seventeen hours a day and six days a week. Discover the boundless joy of driving home when the sun is coming up. Make friends for life with the aforementioned assholes because you are now one of them. Drink more. You can afford the good stuff now. Notice that writers further up the food chain are quitting in frustration. Take this as an opportunity to ask for a promotion. Get one. What the hell, ask for another. Get it. Rise from term writer to supervising producer in two and a half years because you are a glutton for punishment and everyone else quit. Remember the phrase "two and a half" for later use. After three years of miserable, seventy hour weeks someone at the network belatedly realizes that when the premise of a show is two men who have never met agreeing to live together and raise the daughter of a dead woman they both slept with twelve years ago because either one of them could be the little girl's father but no one wants to go to the trouble of taking a blood test, the show should be cancelled. Facing unemployment, fight to get on a hit show that everyone else is fighting to get off of because the star, while undeniably talented, has a few personal issues not to mention a coke-addicted boyfriend she just made executive producer. Consider the shit you've lived through and think, "How tough could it be?" Quickly discover that working on this show causes you to look back at the anesthetic-free colonoscopy with fond nostalgia. Sign non-disclosure forms that threaten you with dismissal and legal action if you tell anyone the truth about what actually goes on there. Take more abuse than you ever considered possible but hang in there for two years and fifty episodes because you're making more money in a week than your father made in a year. Think to yourself, "The suffering and sacrifice of my ancestors is redeemed through my success," in order to avoid thinking, "If I'm a whore, does that make my agent a mack daddy?" Become single again and, after an initial surge of joy and freedom, discover that she was not the reason for your misery. Oh, well, no time for self-reflection now, you're on your path to creating a hit sitcom! Quit drinking. For almost a whole day. Roughly nine years after walking through that first door, finally get a chance to create your hit sitcom. But it won't really be yours. You have no creative clout. Your employers have lots of clout so, ignoring the priceless lesson, rely on their series premise, their casting choices and their comic instincts. Your hit sitcom is cancelled in five weeks. Your employer calls it a "noble failure", but noble isn't the word used in any of the reviews. The word putrid is used twice. Get back on your feet by pitching a single-camera film comedy based on Douglas Adam's "Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency." Your employers think it's a swell idea but instead want you to write a sitcom about a blue collar single mom on videotape. You see little room for compromise. Write a heart-warming script about an heroic single mom who struggles against overwhelming odds to raise her children and make a new life for herself. Fail to take into account that the gal cast by your employers to play mom, hates kids, hates people, hates sitcoms and, most importantly, hates you. Wake up to discover you have created a hit sitcom and Ralph's doesn't sell enough Stoli to ease the pain. Find yourself looking back at the bent superstar and her twitchy consort with fond nostalgia. Quit the hit show you created and get right to work creating another hit sitcom for another wack-job diva because you are just plain stupid. Get fired from your second hit show because the co-star wins a fucking Emmy... and you're stupid. FINALLY learn from your mistakes and create a hit show with wonderful, loving people. Late in the second season during a rehearsal suddenly realize they are not going to hurt you. Stop drinking. Marry again. This time to a beautiful, warm and loving woman who encourages you to drink water. Write a half dozen pilot scripts that are used as landfill. Write and produce three busted pilots in a row because you think you know what's wrong with TV comedy, but are really still stupid. Then, when you're about to quit the business in disgust, write a pilot script with an old friend. Not because you like him. No one really likes him. Write it because he has two young kids, dental problems that would scare English people, and if he doesn't write something quickly he'll lose his WGA health insurance, which is something you know about. Anyway, a script is written and when it's time to come up with a title, the phrase "two and a half" effortlessly floats into your consciousness. To everyone's surprise and delight, the script attracts an incredibly talented, easy-going, warm and generous star. The star attracts a green light. Green lights attract Jimmy Burrows. He has script notes. You have creative clout now, ignore them. Brilliant, sane actors join the cast. A young boy who was obviously a world-class actor in a previous life and is simply picking up where he left off makes the whole thing feel like it's really going to happen. A group of extraordinary writers overlook that you're a condescending asshole pummeling them with condescending shit and help you make a great pilot. Great pilots get killer time slots. Killer time slots get lots of viewers. Lots of viewers are required for a sitcom to be considered a hit... if the viewers come back week after week. They come back. Drive to your big, fancy house in your big, fancy car, drop to your knees and whisper, "Thank you, God, for showing me this simple, step-by-step guide to prime time success but couldn't we have done this without the teaching hospital?" Share the guide with others. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Excerpt From Publisher's Weekly: This delectable collection of entertaining essays by more than 50 TV and screenwriters is a treat not only for neophytes hoping to break into the business, but also for film buffs. While most of the contributors write about their first paying job in the profession, many of the tastiest tales venture off to detail other "firsts": Chuck Lorre (Roseanne; Cybill) hilariously recalls the first time he was fired (from a Beany & Cecil revival show); Melville Shavelson recollects the first time he was sued (by former First Lady Mamie Eisenhower to stop the filming of a movie about the Ike-Kay Summersby affair); and 12-time Emmy winner Carl Reiner remembers getting $1,000 to write his first novel, Enter Laughing... 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 In 1970 I enrolled at the State University of New York at Potsdam under my given name, Charles (Chuck) Levine. I lasted two years. Most of my memories are of playing guitar in rock bands at bars and frat parties (Casey Jones, Whipping Post, Southern Man, Aqualung), trying desperately to get coeds to wrap their legs around my 27 inch waist, learning to juggle, playing frisbee, Zig-Zag rolling papers, repeatedly listening to Voodoo Chile, and playing acid chicken with my roommates (the game involved who could watch their face melt in a mirror the longest without suffering a full-blown psychotic break). Oddly, I have only two memories of actually being in class. One in which my pupils were inordinately dilated and the professor was rude enough to notice, and the second when the alcoholic bastard who taught creative writing mocked my work and informed me I'd never make it as a writer because my grammar was awful. I only bring this up because someone at my old alma mata figured out I was once Chuck Levine, contacted me and offered me an Honorary Doctor of Humane Letters degree along with an invitation to speak at this year's commencement ceremony. Thrilled and proud to finally have a college degree, I immediately accepted. In fact, I have already begun writing a speech which I hope will prove inspiring to the fresh-faced graduates. The theme is "personal reinvention, or how I stumbled ass-backwards into a job where grammar was ignored and neurosis, fear, desperation, childhood wounds and mediocrity was richly rewarded." I've also started practicing throwing a tassled hat up in the air using my old, wickedly accurate, frisbee wrist flick. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 TO DO LIST Live to see a highly educated, deeply thoughtful, articulate, cool, biracial President who is not overly crippled by childhood wounds and capable, in no particular order, of freeing the nation of its oil dependence, restoring its international standing, creating universal health care, resurrecting the economy, ending two wars, rebuilding the public education system, finally bringing about an end to the mindlessness of racism, encouraging science and technology, firmly addressing environmental issues and global warming, and uniting the nation - and the world - in a giant cultural, tipping point leap forward. Meet super-intelligent aliens who disarm the entire planet, cure every disease and take us all for rides across the galaxy. Play a round of par golf. Trade solos with Eric Clapton. Win an Emmy. Get married, stay married. One down, five to go.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A wise man once told me that we are all God in drag. I like that. Sometimes when I'm in a public place or sitting at a stop light, I'll watch people walking by and I'll silently say to myself, "He's God. She's God. He's God. She's God." Before long I always find myself feeling a warm sense of affinity for these strangers. The experience is even more powerful when I do this while observing a person who is clearly suffering. On occasion I'll test my little spiritual practice by turning on Fox News. Within minutes I become an atheist. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 COMMONLY ASKED QUESTIONS Q: Will you change the name of the show to Three Men to accommodate the growth of your 'half man'? A: No. As Jake grows, Charlie and Alan will shrink, so the cumulative amount of 'men' stays at Two and a Half. Q: How do you get away with the dirty jokes? A: Our network censor is a drunk. She often comes to rehearsals completely bombed. This gives us a lot of leeway. Q: Sometimes the laughs on the show are too loud. Why is that? A: Sometimes the show is too funny. Q: I have a great idea for a sitcom, would you like to hear it? A: No. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A NOTE TO MY COLLEAGUES After writing and producing TV for twenty years, I have developed a survival mechanism I like to call "show biz peripheral vision." What this means is that I can set my attention on the work at hand and still be able to see what's going on around me. The huddled confabs, the whispered asides, the sideways glances, the roll of the eyes, the smirks of disdain, the sulking pouts, the exhalations of disgust, the looks of admiration (few and far between), and the endless variations of body language that reveal impatience, rejection, jealousy, and simple disbelief that I'm in charge and you're not. I see it all. And I don't comment. I just make note of it. Occasionally I will respond in a roundabout fashion that might make you think I'm clairvoyant. I am not. I am simply watching. Just thought you might like to know. Carry on. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 Trying to get a break as a song writer I find out where Harry Nilsson lives and bring him a box of reel-to-reel tapes of my original songs. He threatens to kill me if I ever come to his house again. Not funny then, funny now. While working at Marvel Animation I'm told I don't have what it takes to write for the Muppet Babies. Sadly, it's true. Not funny then, funny now. Write French Kissin' in the USA which is covered by Debbie Harry and released as the first single for her debut solo album. It effectively ends her solo career. Not funny then, funny now. Co-write theme song for new animated series called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The show is a massive international success. The music publisher tells my partner and I that we will not be paid music royalties for the millions of video games and video cassettes being sold. The reason we are given is that they'd rather not pay us. Not funny then, still not funny.  
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The Parents Television Council has asked Apple Computers to stop advertising on Two and a Half Men. Their reasoning is, surprise, surprise, the show's adult humor. I thought I might use my vanity card to send another message to Apple Computers. Dear Apple, You have always been known, rightfully so, as the tech company that stood for freedom and individuality. Big Brother and the suppression of those principles was that other company's calling card. Remember them? I do. But that's not the reason this vanity card, as well as every budget, schedule, story, outline and script for Two and a Half Men, was written on an Apple. The reason is I believe your products are ahead of the curve, elegantly designed and just darn fun to use. Oh, and you should also know there are so many iPhones used by myself and members of our cast and crew to make calls, email, text, surf the internet, and play games, it's a miracle we get anything done at all. Anyway, we trust you'll make the right decision regarding the boycott request. Thank you, Chuck Lorre P.S. To the PTC. With the world economy in complete free fall, it's good to know you're still sweating the small stuff. Shall I send you more cupcakes so you can snack while attempting to suppress free speech? Or perhaps you can just change the freakin' channel. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 More of "Not Funny Then" I decide getting on staff at Roseanne would be a great opportunity for me, even though every writer who had ever worked on the show had been fired. Four weeks into the job I deliver my first script and I'm almost fired. Not funny then, funny now. I create Grace Under Fire, realize what I'm in for and try to quit after pilot is picked up to series. I try to quit again during Christmas. A few weeks later the Northridge earthquake hits. During a large aftershock I drop to my knees and pray for the sound stage to collapse and kill me. Not funny then, funny now. I think developing a new series starring Cybill Shepherd is a swell idea. The show is an instant hit. Cybill wants me to fire Lee Aronsohn because he's a misogynist. She's not wrong, but I jokingly tell her, "Why do you care? You're not a woman." She fires us both. I get the call not to come back to work on Yom Kippur from a Carsey-Werner exec named Dirk Van De Bunt. Not funny then, still not funny. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT Charlie drinks a lot on Two and a Half Men. With the exception of the occasional "funny hangover" scene, he regularly makes drinking to excess look elegant, cool, sexy and fun. Given that the reality of drinking like Charlie is a nightmarish descent into alcoholism, liver disease, broken marriages, lost jobs, devastated families and friends, jails, insanity, institutions and, very often, death, the argument could be made that this is extremely irresponsible on our part. To redress this lapse of judgement we ask that you not drink to excess. While you're at it, eat a balanced diet, get plenty of rest and exercise, and avoid degrading yourself by having meaningless sex with strangers in a futile attempt to fill the emptiness in your soul. Thank you for your cooperation. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 The quantum physics joke Penny tells the guys in tonight's episode was told to us by Nobel award-winning physicist, Dr. George Smoot. Penny tells it in about twenty seconds. Dr. Smoot's version probably took about three minutes, although it felt a lot longer. No one had the heart to tell him to get to the punch line, proving my hypothesis that in addition to time slowing down as you accelerate, it also grinds to a halt when you're being courteous to a genius. Thanks for the joke, Doc! 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 I believe that Newton's first law of motion is the reason we will emerge from our current economic woes. That law states that an object at rest tends to stay at rest and an object in motion tends to stay in motion with the same speed and in the same direction unless acted upon by an unbalanced force. How does that relate to the financial #$%*storm we're now cowering under? Allow me to explain. There are slightly less than seven billion people on this planet. Assuming that roughly half that number are either too young, too old, too lazy, or too loaded to work, that still leaves almost three and a half billion people getting up in the morning to chase the almighty dollar, the transcendent rupee, the zen yen,the dear ol' euro, the what's goin' on yuan, the... well, you get the idea. Now, call me crazy (and many have called me far worse), but I happen to think that three and a half billion motivated people is one big damn object in motion. And the only thing acting against that object is the friction caused by a small bunch of greedy, dumbass, screw-the-pooch, Ivy League pot stickers (the unbalanced force). I therefore assert that the unbalanced force (you know who you are, shame on you), will eventually be overwhelmed by the object in motion (three and a half billion people with pluck, aka pluckers), thus allowing the object in motion to continue its relentless journey forward, thriving and conniving until it is once again slowed down by other unbalanced forces, or a very large meteorite. Or a plague. Or fundamentalists with nukes. Or atmosphere-eating nanobots. Or a super volcano. Or Skynet. Or Cylons. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 More and more, it seems like people are yelling at me. This is especially noticeable on local and cable news, TV and radio ads, morning, afternoon and late night talk shows, religious channels, entertainment tabloid shows, and, NPR aside, radio. It's almost as if all the news anchors, reporters, product pitchmen, talk show hosts, politicians, sportscasters, DJ's and preachers have forgotten how good modern microphones are. Regardless, the purpose of vanity cards is not just to point out the problem, it's also to propose the solution. And here's one: The Whisper Channel. A cable news channel where everyone, including advertisers, speaks in gentle, dulcet tones. Our marketing tag line will be one word, "shhh." Instead of grinning, shouting, overly-coiffed failed actors, our news anchors will be regular folks with beautiful speaking voices who, just to be on the safe side, have been heavily sedated. Think of it. You've had a brutal day at work. Traffic on the way home was a righteous bitch. You crawl into your home which is worth far less than you paid for it, and, because you want to stay informed, you turn on The Whisper Channel where a pleasant-looking woman with real hair, real nose, real wrinkles, real breasts and teeth the color of teeth, soothingly tells you about the latest terrorist attack, stock market fiasco, school shooting and, just to keep it interesting, emergency recall of the anti-anxiety meds you've been taking because they might cause impotence, blindness and insanity. But because of the way she says it, you are hunky dory. ALTERNATE MARKETING TAG LINE: the whisper channel... where human civilization sliding into the abyss is nothing to shout about. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 For months I've woken up to a mysterious, intermittent banging sound coming from somewhere in my home. I can't tell you how many mornings I groggily walked around in my pajamas searching for its cause. Frustrated by my inability to locate the source of the banging, I falsely accused my ancient refrigerator and began seeking a replacement. But then I caught a break. Rising early one morning for reasons urinary, I stumbled across the real source of the strange noise - a small, yellow-breasted bird living in a tree next to the kitchen window. Periodically, he would fly to the window, furiously peck at it with his beak, then quickly retreat to a nearby branch. At first I assumed that the morning light caused him to see his reflection and, being of limited intelligence, or filled with self-loathing, attack it. But once again, my initial instinct proved to be wrong. After a long conversation with the bird, I learned that he was banging on the window because he had it in for my refrigerator. I have since apologized to the fridge, but it has been, not surprisingly, cool towards me. Sorry, that really wasn't worth the journey. 
Author: Chuck Lorre
Nationality: Australian
b. 18 October 1952
  
 CENSORED: 251c - 1st Aired: 4 May 2009 What was not shown: There was a joke in tonight's episode that was cut because the CBS censors felt it was offensive to Koreans. The joke involved Charlie telling his fiance that one way to get rid of her cat was to "slap some soy sauce on it and drop it off in Koreatown." When I complained that there is ample evidence that cats and dogs are eaten in Korea, I was told yes, there is, but that's not the point. The point is when material lik