Jack Handey Quotes

American

- Comedian Amazon Top 10 Quotes by Jack Handey Read full biography

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the Literature is right there, in the room, talking to you, which is why I don't like to read good books.

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Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

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When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume that the drinks are free. Ask, and ask often.

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When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on the back and said, 'Hey, good job.'

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When I was a child, there were times when we had to entertain ourselves. And usually the best way to do that was to turn on the TV.

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What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the...

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To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

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There are many stages to a man's life. In the first stage, he is young and eager, like a beaver. In the second stage, he wants to build things, like dams, and maybe chew down some trees. In the third...

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The tiger can't change his spots. No, wait, he did! Good for him!

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Sometimes you have to be careful when selecting a new nickname for yourself. For instance, let's say you have chosen the nickname 'Fly Head'. Normally, you would think that 'Fly Head' would mean a...

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Authors born on November 29

1962 - Martha Beck
1953 - Mary Schmich
1952 - John Barrow
1934 - Willie Morris
1898 - C. Lewis
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