Top 10 Denis Leary Quotes at QuotationFun

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You're 18 years old, you're in a 7-11, you don't know shit about shit, and PULL UP YOUR PANTS!

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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Peter Falk and Denis Leary today walked into a Starbucks and shot 27 people, without any announcement whatsoever.

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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I'm the Lord of the Dance! Fuck Michael Flatley, it's me!

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv, Marv. This is God, what the HELL were you thinking?!?

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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Have you seen that show? If you have, GET OUT! Get the hell out of my show right now!

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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NyQuil, NyQuil, NyQuil! We love you, you giant fucking "Q"

No Cure for Cancer - January 12, 1993.

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Who has the balls to call themselves the lord of anything, huh? C'mon, last time somebody called themself lord on this planet they got CRUCIFIED, Michael (Flatley)! And we know where the hammer and the nails are! We could put you up in a couple of minutes!

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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Making a key decision now for our kids, it's religion decision time, you know...and I'm not bringing em up Catholic. I've made that decision. Boy, because I was raised Catholic, and NOO WAY! Uh-uh! Nope! Know what? I can't bring up my kids in a church whose authority system is entirely based on the size of fucking hats, okay? That's apparently how the Catholic church is run. The bigger the hat, the more important the guy, right? Priests have no hats, cardinals have those little red beanies, the pope has a collection of big hats...God must have a huge fucking sombrero up there in heaven! "Look at me, I'm GOD! Look at the size of my hat, who else would I be?" I don't know, lead singer of Los Lobos?

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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I am now the leader of the Lapsed Catholic Church, and here are the rules, my friends: Thou shalt not? Fuck that, thou fucking shall! As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the FUCK you want in my church! But if you so much as look at an altar boy the wrong way, you don't get transferred to some distant parish up in Nova Scotia, no fucking way, pal! You stand naked in the middle of Times Square wearing a big neon sign that says "I carry a torch for kids who carry candles," you fucking asshole. And there's no more magic, no more burning bushes or [the virgin Mary appearing on] blueberry muffins. You screw up this time, the virgin mother shows up in your driveway like Ray Liotta in Goodfellas, she pistol whips ya, and then she sets your dick on fire, OK? Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife? Bullshit! You covet his wife, his house, his car, and his pool. You know why? Because he's coveting every INCH of your shit, pal! Yeah, what are you doing, father? Keep your hands to yourself, man! Wanna do something with your hands? Stick them up the pope's ass! It's one of the new fucking rules, OK? 'Cause in my church, when it comes to healing, you know how Benny Hinn lays his hands on a supposedly blind person, then when he takes his hands off, the guy can see? Here's how we do it in my church. You're a pothead? Guess what...you're STILL a fucking pothead! And when it comes time to confess your sins in the Lapsed Catholic Church, guess who you confess your sins to? That's right, Father Leary. You walk in and say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned." You know what I say? "That's fucking great! What did you do?" "I, um, thought impure thoughts many times this week" "Fuckin' excellent! What else?" "Uh, I jerked off like five times" "That's FUCKING great! You know what your penance is? Run across the street to that store, steal two cases of beer and a pizza, and bring it back here,' OK? 'Cause we're gonna sit around the rectory and smoke and eat pizza and drink beer and watch TV, and if we see the pope on TV, we're gonna give him the finger and make fun of his hats, OK?" And you know what else? Ted Kennedy? Forgiven. Frank Gifford? Forgiven. Marv Albert? Forgiven. Al Sharpton? Forgiven. Richard Nixon? Forgiven. Bill FUCKING Buckner? Forgiven. Everybody's forgiven. Except you, O.J....fuck you. I hope your kids pull a Menendez on you, O.J., and then they'll be forgiven, ten times over. So go in peace, my friends, get the beer and the pizza and bring it back here. Because Sin is in. Sin is in, and so we begin.

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Cranberry Ale! Cranberry NUT CRUNCH FUCKING ALE! Cranberries and beer do not go together! One's for bladder infections, one's for getting DRUNK!

Lock 'n Load - 1997

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