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Stephen Fry: Voiceover Good old Berent's cocoa. Always there. Original or New Berent's, specially prepared for the mature citizens in your life, with nature's added store of powerful barbiturates and heroin.

Fry and Lawrie.

Heroic, Power

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And as I prepare your Swinging Ballsacks, I ask this question, in accordance with no principle.

Fry and Lawrie.

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Well next week I shall be examining the claims of a man who says that in a previous existence he was Education Secretary Kenneth Baker and I shall be talking to a woman who claims she can make flowers grow just by planting seeds in soil and watering them. Until then, wait very quietly in your seats please. Goodnight.

Fry and Lawrie.

Education

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Stephen Fry: I can't pretend to be much of a judge of poetry, I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual.

Fry and Lawrie.

Poetry

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Hugh Laurie: Our Venice is being taken away from us. It's crawling with Germans. Leslie: And Italians.

Fry and Lawrie.

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Stephen Fry: Well, I was born Mary Patterson, but then I married and naturally took my husband's name, so now I'm Neil Patterson.

Fry and Lawrie.

Family

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Stephen Fry: What do I think of John Major's leadership? I'd welcome it! (Laughs hysterically). Stephen Fry: Well I just told him to stuff it. But he said that it'd been dead too long. Stephen Fry: 20 pounds. So I said I'll toss you for it. So he said what will you do for 50? Hugh Laurie: (Walking away) No I can't stop, I'm afraid. My wife is being towed away. Stephen Fry: I think animal testing is a terrible idea. They get all nervous and give silly answers. Hugh Laurie: Yes, I drive a Vauxhall Nova Splash. Uh, it's a limited edition. I think they only made one and a half million of them. Hugh Laurie: Well. "Bring back hanging!", I say. These tumble dryers are useless. Hugh Laurie: Testicles?! Bollocks, more like! Stephen Fry: I was very shocked when my son told me his boyfriend was a homosexual. Hugh Laurie: Do you know what makes me really mad? It's this belief that I'm John the Baptist. Hugh Laurie: I've always been a Daily Mail reader. I prefer it to a newspaper Hugh Laurie: (Examining a plate) See this? You could eat your dinner off this. Hugh Laurie: You know what makes me REALLY mad? It's this new drug, Ecstasy. Makes me MAD! Hugh Laurie: (As policeman) Ask me what my favourite food is. "Lancashire hotpot." Do you want to know why? "Lancashire hotpot" you in the name of the law! ... (aside) Oh, "Irish Stew"! Stephen Fry: I wouldn't suck it!

Food, Madness, Legal

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But perhaps, somewhere, you might be inspired to add one small, tender, caring cherry of hope. I wonder. While you decide, I will entreat for the very finalest of last, last times, this entreaty of m'colleague, Britain's very own melody man, as I say to him, please, please, oh please Mr. Music.

Fry and Lawrie.

Music

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Stephen Fry: If you try and kill them, you're put in prison: if you try and talk to them, you vomit. There's only one thing worse than an estate agent but at least that can be safely lanced, drained and surgically dressed. Estate agents. Love them or loathe them, you'd be mad not to loathe them.

Fry and Lawrie.

Age, Love, Madness

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Hugh Laurie: A good wife, or a good business partner? Stephen Fry: Is there a difference, Peter? Hugh Laurie: I hope so, John.

Fry and Lawrie.

Business

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