Top 10 George Carlin Quotes at QuotationFun

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You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Atheism, Humor, Patriotism

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Here's another question I've been pondering - What is all this shit about Angels? Have you heard this? 3 out of 4 people believe in Angels. Are you FUCKING STUPID? Has everybody lost their mind? You know what I think it is? I think it's a massive, collective, psychotic chemical flashback for all the drugs smoked, swallowed, shot, and absorbed rectally by all Americans from 1960 to 1990. 30 years of street drugs will get you some fucking Angels my friend!

"You Are All Diseased".

Atheism, Patriotism, Drugs

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I noticed that of all the prayers I used to offer to god, and all the prayers that I now offer to Joe Pesci, are being answer at about the same 50% rate. Half the time I get what I want. Half the time I don't. Same as god 50/50. Same as the four leaf clover, the horse shoe, the rabbit's foot, and the wishing well. Same as the mojo man. Same as the voodoo lady who tells your fortune by squeezing the goat's testicles. It's all the same; 50/50. So just pick your superstitions, sit back, make a wish and enjoy yourself. And for those of you that look to the Bible for it's literary qualities and moral lessons; I got a couple other stories I might like to recommend for you. You might enjoy The Three Little Pigs. That's a good one. It has a nice happy ending. Then there's Little Red Riding Hood. Although it does have that one x-rated part where the Big-Bad-Wolf actually eats the grandmother. Which I didn't care for, by the way. And finally, I've always drawn a great deal of moral comfort from Humpty Dumpty. The part I liked best: ...and all the king's horses, and all the king's men couldn't put Humpty together again. That's because there is no Humpty Dumpty, and there is no god. None. Not one. Never was. No god.

"You Are All Diseased".

Atheism, Religion, Patriotism

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What about Goblins, huh? Doesn't anybody belive in Goblins? You never hear about this. Except on Halloween and then it's all negative shit. And what about Zombies? You never hear from Zombies! That's the trouble with Zombies, they're unreliable! I say if you're going to go for the Angel bullshit you might as well go for the Zombie package as well.

"You Are All Diseased".

Atheism, Religion, Patriotism

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I finally accepted Jesus. not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

Brain Droppings.

Atheism, Humor, Patriotism

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In the 'bullshit department' a businessman can't hold a candle to a clergyman.

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Religion is sort of like a lift in your shoes. If it makes you feel better, fine. Just don't ask me to wear your shoes.

Atheism, Religion, Patriotism

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You see, eventually your music will help put an end to war and poverty, it will align the planets and bring them into universal harmony, allowing meaningful contact with all forms of life.

Rufus in Bill 'n' Teds Excellent Adventure

Atheism, Music, Politics, Patriotism

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Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of 'em are stupider than that.

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The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? Death! What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating ... and you finish off as a orgasm.

Atheism, Death, Patriotism

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