Displaying Top 10 Tim Minchin quotes

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The Good Book: Life is like an ocean voyage and our bodies are the ships And without a moral compass we would all be cast adrift So to keep us on our bearings, the Lord gave us a gift And like most gifts you get, it was a book I only read one book, but it's a good book, don't you know I act the way I act because the Good Book tells me so If I wanna know how to be good, it's to the Good Book that I go 'Cos the Good Book is a book and it is good and it's a book I know the Good Book's good because the Good Book says it's good I know the Good Book knows it's good because a really good book would You wouldn't cook without a cookbook and I think it's understood You can't be good without a Good Book 'cos it's good and it's a book And it is good for cookin' I tried to read some other books, but I soon gave up on that The paragraphs ain't numbered and they complicate the facts I can't read Harry Potter 'cos they're worshipping false gods and that And Dumbledore's a poofter and that's bad, 'cos it's not good Morality is written there in simple white and black I feel sorry for you heathens, got to think about all that Good is good and evil's bad and goats are good and pigs are crap You'll find which one is which in the Good Book, 'cos it's good And it's a book, and it's a book I had a cat, she gave birth to a litter The kittens were adorable and they made my family laugh But as they grew they started misbehavin' So I drowned the little fuckers in the bath When the creatures in your care start being menaces The answers can be found right there in Genesis! Chapter 6, Verse 5-7! [ Lyrics from: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tim_minchin/the_good_book.html ] Swing your partner by the hand Have a baby if you can But if the voices your head Say to sacrifice your kid To satiate your loving God's Fetish for dead baby blood It's simple faith, the Book demands So raise that knife up in your hand! Before the Good Book made us good, there was no good way to know If a thing was good or not that good or kind of touch and go So God decided he'd give writing allegoric prose a go And so he wrote a book and it was generally well-received The Telegraph said, "This God is reminiscent of the Norse." The Times said, "Kind of turgid, but I liked the bit with horses." The Mail said, "Lots of massacres, a violent tour de force." If you only read one book this year, then this one is a book And it is good, and it's a book! Swing your daughter by the hand But if she gets raped by a man And refuses then to marry him Stone her to death! If you just close your eyes and block your ears To the accumulated knowledge of the last two thousand years Then morally, guess what? You're off the hook And thank Christ you only have to read one book Just because the book's contents Were written generations hence By hairy desert-dwelling gents Squatting in their dusty tents Just because what Heaven said Was said before they'd leavened bread Just 'cos Jesus couldn't read Doesn't mean that we should need When manipulating human genes To alleviate pain and fight disease When deciding whether it's wrong or right To help the dyin' let go of life Or stop a pregnancy when it's Just a tiny blastocyst There's no reason why we should take a look At any other book But the Good Book 'Cause it's good And it's a book And it's a book And it's quite good! Good is good and evil's bad And kids get killed when God gets mad And you'd better take a good look At the Good Book More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tim_minchin/#share

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/t/tim_minchin/#share


Atheism, Education, Religion
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I am a hack pianist - a 'more you practise, the better you get' kind of guy.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Minchin


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I can have a dark side If you want me to I can have a dark side I can develop my brooding potential If pain's what you want in a man Pain I can do I can have a dark side, too I can have a dark side... Hey! I called my girlfriend up on the phone I said, "Hey g-girlfriend what's g-going wrong?" She said, "I'm breaking it off with you I feel as if the m-m-magic has gone." I said, "Hey baby, what you talking about? I thought that everything was just fine." She said, "That's exactly the point I just get so annoyed how you're so happy all the time I need somebody deeper than you Someone with a little third-dimension." I said, Well, I can have a dark side If you want me to I can have a dark side I can develop my brooding potential If pain's what you want in a man Pain I can do I can have a dark side, too I can have a dark side... I wrote a letter to Mr Sony I said, "Hey S-sony what's g-going down? I've got a record and I reckon it's wicked And I th-think you should s-spread it around." He said, "Hey Tim, I quite like your work He said, "It's clever and quirky But I promise you this: You could be clever as Voltaire But it won't get you nowhere If you wanna sell discs Clever never made no one rich It doesn't appeal to the teenage market The teenage market!" I said, I can have a dark side If you want me to I can have a dark side I can reveal my tortured internals If pain's what you want in an act Pain I can do I can have a dark side, too I can have a dark side, too Jeremy has spoken at last Daddy never came to my ball games Where were you daddy? Daddy never came to my ball games He never loved me Daddy never came to my ball games - Daddy never came! Daddy never came to my ball games - Daddy never came! Daddy never came to my ball games Daddy never CAME! I, I can have a dark side If you want me to If you want me to Yeah I, I can have a dark side If you want me to I can have a dark side, too I, I can have a dark side If you want me to If you want me to Yeah I, I can have a dark side If you want me to Rock!


Love
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Treading that line between mocking yourself and wanting to be an iconic figure. Mocking the ridiculousness and completely unrealistic dream of being an iconic figure.

Lenny Ann Low - 8 November 2007 - "Rock'n'roll Nerd" - The Age.


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I'm a good musician for a comedian and I'm a good comedian for a musician but if I had to do any of them in isolation I dunno.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tim_Minchin


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I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock Don't you know you wanna rock it with me If you came expecting a burlesque show With girls in nipple tassels and a flying trapeze I'm sorry but I'm going to have to disappoint you You should have read your program more carefully If you came expecting liturgical dancing With new interpretations of the story of Moses I'm sorry but I'm think you will be disappointed You've made an error during the booking process But if you came to see... me! I'm really happy that you achieved your intention Cos it's all very well to live in the moment But planning is important is you want to achieve your goals And maybe have some savings when you're old I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock I worked very hard for my rock n roll hair I get it chemically straightened and I style it for hours I worked very hard for a rock n roll face I've got the kooky contact lenses and the girly mascara But there is something deeper inside Something that the mask I wear won't hide I paid lots of money for this big piano And the fancy, fancy lights to make me look like Michael Jackson I paid lots of money for this bohemian coat And the fact I don't wear shoes is just an affectation But there is something deeper inside Something that this costume won't hide Something from a distance you won't see Something fundamentally me I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock Fucking rock, fucking, goddamn rock, goddamn, motherfucking rock, fucking Don't you know you wanna rock it with me I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock Don't you know you wanna rock it with me I am so fucking rock I am so goddamn rock I am so motherfucking rock Don't you know you wanna rock it with me Rock it with me! Rock it with me!


Family, Money
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So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO And when the Lord comes down with his shimmering chariot of salvation Your gonna be the first to know So if God was there from the very beginning He invented men and women Then He also invented wanking Then He said wanking was sinning So now if I'm feeling randy I'm not allowed a hand shandy But having sex with my family That is just fucking great It's all there in Ezekiel 8 Just before he opens up His big pearly gates And says that it's a sin To take it up the date Even if it's great Even with your mate So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at the greener grass And when the Lord comes down with his shiny rod of judgement He's gonna kick my heathen ass So if you Cover the bodies of your women Everybody is grinnin' Because black is so slimmin' Though it's not great for swimmin' But it gives you an erection With the increased sexual tension What with the UV protection That is second to none You'll find it all in the Koran Just next to the bit that justifies guns And says that it's a sin To take it up the bum Even if it's fun Even with permission from your mum So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a shot at eternity And when the Lord comes down and I haven't done my penance He's gonna disembowel me You say that If I Stumbled on a watch I'd assume it had a watchmaker That a muffin presupposes a baker So we must agree sooner or later That this proves there's a creator So if I put my foot in a stinker You'd assume the existence of a sphincter Thus you don't need to be a great thinker To conclude that God's a bum Which negates the words of Genesis 1 Which makes him out to be so much fun Until Adam succumbed To temptation And then his only son Got nailed to a gum Or the Middle Eastern equivalent Which suggest that God's omniscience Is nullified by his ambivalence Unless it turns out that he's impotent And if God can't get a boner I guess that explains the plethora Of huge erections in His honour Cos we all know a steeple is just a subconscious, compensatory manifestation of a huge, stiff penis And still He tell us that it's heinous To stick a penis up your anus Even if you're famous Even if you're good at... tennis So you're gonna live in paradise With a ten-foot cock and a few hundred virgins So you're gonna sacrifice your life For a ride on a UFO And when the Lord comes down with his big, stiff, slimy rod of judgement I'm gonna be the first to go He's gonna send me down below He's gonna whip me like a ho D'ya really think so? I'm gonna be the first to go.


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