Top 10 Chuck Lorre Quotes at QuotationFun

Displaying Top 10 Chuck Lorre quotes

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YOU MUST READ THIS VANITY CARD! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S SACRED, YOU MUST READ THIS VANITY CARD!! Well, actually, you really don't have to. I just wanted to start the card off with some excitement. To tell you the truth, now I feel a little guilty. After all, aren't we misled enough in this life without having to be duped into reading a Chuck Lorre Productions Vanity Card? Isn't our attention vitally needed at home, at the job, with our children, husbands, wives, parents, and friends? Shouldn't we be using this precious time to call our hermaphroditic, cross-addicted cousin and talk him into giving himself up to the authorities? Wouldn't it be better for all of us if these golden, never-to-come-again moments were used to sneak into work after everyone has gone and take that stupid nanny-cam out of the ladies room? Well, we might as well face it, that's not going to happen now. And all because of two completely duplicitous sentences: YOU MUST READ THIS VANITY CARD! FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S SACRED, YOU MUST READ THIS VANITY CARD!! What was I thinking? I'm so ashamed.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 58 - 1st Aired: 9 May 2000 http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=58

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

CENSORED: 255 As always, the offending material is available to be read if you know where to look. I think you'll find that the card, while mildly amusing, is nowhere near as entertaining as the raging paranoia of our network censors. P.S. For selfish reasons I would ask that you wait to read the censored card until after The Big Bang Theory. Censored: 255 In film and television there exists a rule that all phone numbers spoken in dialogue or seen on the screen begin with the fake prefix 555. The reason for this rule is that somewhere along the line idiots began calling the phone numbers used on TV shows and movies. This resulted in production companies and networks being sued by the unhappy people who were harassed by the prank calls from the aforementioned idiots. All of which means that whether you're trying to enjoy a humble sitcom or a hundred million dollar action movie, every phone number will begin with the hateful, illusion-wrecking prefix, 555. In tonight's episode of Two and a Half Men we tried to get around this dilemma. The phone number Charlie rattles off in the first scene is actually one number short of a real number. Then, later in the scene, he discusses a memory trick which involves replacing numbers with letters in order to remember them. If you check your phone, you'll see the letters we used, OXOFEMPAL, or 696-336-725, is again one number short of being an actual working number, and JKLPUZO is the broadcast acceptable 555-7896. A lot of work, not to mention endless negotiations with our CBS censor, was necessary to come up with these numbers. So, to all the idiots out there, let me just say, 555-382-5968.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 255 - 1st Aired: 21 September 2009

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

An open letter of apology Dear me, Over the years, I have resented you for not being athletic enough, brave enough, funny enough, smart enough, talented enough, handsome enough, rich enough, admired enough, educated enough, New York enough, out-going enough, quiet enough, old enough, young enough, loving enough and loved enough. I have demanded perfection from you and have found you wanting. The result of this obsession with perfection has been to make you terrified of failure and ridicule, angry at any and all obstacles, and finally, incapable of enjoying the bounty that was not only around you, but within you as well. Well, all that's about to change. From now on, I'm going to make every effort to love and accept you as you are. But since bad habits die hard, I'll start with something easy. From now on, you're old enough. Affectionately, Me

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 45 - 1st Aired: 23 Nov 1999 http://www.chucklorre.com/index-dg.php?p=45

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

Cards with Imagery - Boris Charminsky Miracle Hair Grower

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 268 - 1st Aired: 23 November 2009 http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=268

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

HOT, FILTHY SEX! Okay, the truth is I have nothing to back up that first sentence in the way of content. I just thought that since this is a sweeps episode, and traditionally sweeps episodes are supposed to be extremely provocative and highly promotable in order to achieve higher than usual ratings, I'd do my part by writing a vanity card that really grabs your attention (I've also noticed that when the card is broadcast you can only read the first three or four words, so this should raise a few eyebrows). Another tried-and-true element of sweeps episodes is what's called stunt casting. This means that inordinate amounts of money are spent to cast big stars as special guests on the show. Once again, the hoped for result is to pump up the ratings during the specified sweeps period. With that in mind, I'm pleased to announce that JULIA ROBERTS, BRUCE WILLIS, and TOM HANKS were not available for this episode of D & G.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 92 - 1st Aired: 20 Nov 2001

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

CENSORED: 236 Starting 2009 with a bang! CENSORED As always, you know where to look. Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 236 - 1st Aired: Did Not Air Mom and Dad are fighting again. I used to think they didn't get along 'cause I wasn't good enough. For years and years I tried to be better, hoping that would make them happy and love each other. But even though I became the most popular kid in my class, they still fight - now more than ever. God, if you're listening, please make Mom and Dad be nice to each other. I'm too little to make a difference, but you're God, you can do anything - even help Dad sell off his chain of movie theaters for ten cents on the dollar. Or Showtime. Doesn't matter as long as it's worth forty-nine million dollars and makes Mom stop crying.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 236 - 1st Aired: 12 January 2009

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

Audio http://www.chucklorre.com/index.php?p=271

Go to Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 271 - 1st Aired: 14 December 2009

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

I recently discovered that the writers of Two and a Half Men had used their free time to compile a 'bucket list.' Here it is, unabridged: Have sex with a bucket. Draw a face on a bucket and have sex with it. Fill a bucket with popcorn, drill a hole in it and go to the movies with your best gal. Fill a bucket with popcorn, drill a hole in it and go to the movies by yourself. Fill a bucket with water, line the edge with paper, then take a dump in it. Put a bucket on your head and go skydiving. Have sex with two women while holding a bucket. Fill a bucket with apple sauce and pretend you're having sex with an extraterrestrial woman. Join the circus, dress up like a clown, fill a bucket with confetti and throw it at the audience, surprising and delighting them in the process. I'm trying to cut down on their free time.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 298 - 1st Aired: 11 October 2010

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

I love Dharma & Greg. I love the fictional characters who populate it, and I love the very real characters involved in the making of it. This was never just a television show for me. This was an opportunity to learn, to grow, and to heal. I am forever grateful.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number107 - 1st Aired: 30 Apr 2002

Humor, Politics, Patriotism, Author

Mornings are the worst. The mind seems undefended, easy prey for both memories and imagination. What happened. What should've happened. What might happen someday. Your fault, my fault, no one's fault. The only way to relieve the torment is to get up, empty the bladder, drink the coffee, read the paper, run the treadmill, perform the animal sacrifice, paint the chicken blood on the groin and call upon the demonic spirits to bring you back. Nights are bad too. Once again, exhaustion makes the mind vulnerable to obsessing over woulda, shoulda, coulda. The only thing to do is sit alone and eat the chicken which was senselessly murdered in the morning.

Chuck Lorre Productions - The Official Vanity Card Archives - Number 314 - 1st Aired: 18 November 2010

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